Non-Existent Relationship
DH and SS's (19) relationship is basically non existent at this point. (They are long distance but had always been close during the visitation years).
Since Christmas, DH has spoken to him exactly once at which point he asked the kid if he had realized how long it had been since they had spoken. Every communication or attempt at communication comes from DH. The kid laughed it off and for probably the first time ever DH's tone was not as nice or understanding or empathetic or jokey or etc. He straight up told the kid it wasn't funny.
They established that the kid is welcome to call DH whenever his school/work schedule allows and since DH doesn't ever know the SS's work schedule he doesn't want to call willy nilly and possibly get him in trouble at work. (They had always had weekly calls/Facetimes).
The kid agreed he would do better. It's been 5 weeks since that call. NOTHING. And honestly this is the first time EVER (I've been with the man since this kid was 5ish) my DH has "dropped the rope" - I think that's the term. He hasn't texted, no call attempts, nothing. He hasn't made any mention, snide or otherwise about the kid. It's weird, because there has been no falling out. So nothing to point to and I know a lot of you will say that kids at this age are branching out and living their own lives and that is all good and well, but that is NOT this kid.
This kid goes to work, goes to school and then is in his room on Discord ALL DAMN DAY/NIGHT and has no REAL friends. He is not a party kid (other than with mommy dearest and family).
I'm just venting I guess, because DH worked so hard all these years to make sure he had a relationship with these kids despite the long distance and it seems he is throw-away-able. It's heartbreaking to watch in real time. We know there has been ongoing PA all these years and we'd hoped to have neutralized it.
At the same time, reading all the stories here and knowing where this kid comes from with 85% of his upbringing being with the shallow end of the DNA pool, I take relief in the fact that DH is not being taken to the bank and used as an ATM / Walking Wallet. The kid was already showing those tendancies Senior year of High School.
Dodged bullet, but not really.
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I get that DH doesn't want to
I get that DH doesn't want to interrupt SS' school or work, but putting all communication on SS is asking for a non-existent relationship. DH can text SS every once in a while, asking how SS has been or what's new, and see if he gets a response. It won't get SS in trouble since he can respond to a text when he is free. If SS doesn't respond, then DH can drop rope.
How was the relationship when SS was a minor? Did DH do all the communicating or did SS reach out unprompted? I have learned through long distance and my SS11 spending 85% of his life with BM, he often never thinks about calling us, celebrating our birthdays, etc. because it was never encouraged by BM, in fact it is discouraged, and DH has always been responsible to maintain the relationship with SS (BM and the courts agree). If SS has never had to be responsible for his relationship with DH, he may not think to reach out because he never had to before; DH was just always there and DH took on 100% of the responsibility to keep the relationship going.
You make a good point.
You make a good point.
DH has been 99.9% the one to initiate even before he aged out. .After their discussion 5 weeks ago the kid agreed and said he was going to do better.(aka anything at all would be an improvement). He's had a job for well over a year and they would talk stil once a week, on his day off, lately he doesn't even bother to let DH know when that day is. It kind of feels like out of sight out of mind.
Don't hold your breath on
Don't hold your breath on the "doing better" part. That is highly unlikely to happen.
My Skid is definately an out of sight out of mind communicator. He is nothing but crickets for extended periods when he will finally respond to a reach out. That is with us and he likes us. He has not contacted the SpermClan in years.
I pretty much do not give him a choice. I bug the shit out of him to call his mom or at least send us a "proof of life" text message.
The only person he responds to promptly is his Deema. When my mom calls, he answers. No one likes pissing off Deema. She is the core of the Rags clan and all of the GKs consider Deema's house to be home. Even at 79 & 5'2" she is a force of nature. Even as kids they would happily go help Deema with yard work and chores while we could not get them to do chores at home without a battle.
The magic... of Deema keeps the kids in touch. As for parents... meh.