Struggling with separating anger toward BM and SS
You all have been a plethora of knowledge and I appreciate your words.
I can handle brutal honesty, so I'm asking for a little help for DH and myself.
How do you separate your anger/frustration caused by BM from your SK when they have been brain washed and parrot such awful things as if fact.
Logically we know its not the kids fault, but emotionally when something is said so nonchalant and is so vile It is hard to stomach taking the high road, ignoring and not having diarrhea of the mouth at all the ills of the BM.
Sometimes little stuff slips and the defensiveness and tears flow from the kid quick like.
The last two visits it seems like I can feel my DH starting to disengage a bit from the one SK that is vocal in the belief at the bad mouthing BM does.
I can feel myself gravitating toward the other SK as well as far as wanting to do nice things or spend time vs.with the other.
It seems like all the sacrifice and hard work all these years has been for nothing with the one kid. The other has more of their own brain and can think for themself vs. this one that can be led by the nose by BM to believe the sky is purple with pink polka dots.
I'm probably not articulating this very well. We are very good to both kids but definatley starting to feel like work with the one.
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Disengagement is your friend
The kiddo who is brainwashed, well, they are probably a "lost cause". You do you and its ok to show your likes for the "friendlier one".
Ive got SD21, who I cannot stand, and SD14 whom I love dearly. SD21 is filthy, lazy, crazy, narc. SD14 is kind and sweet.
BM is Toxic to both of them but in different ways.
I just spent some $$$ on SD14. Will I spend that on Sd21? Heck to the no. Im almost to the point of "no presents for you!"
I think its natural to want to move away from someone spewing horrible things, even when you know where its coming from.
For me, Feral Forger Sd21 is too far gone and too much has happened that is unforgiveable. We are civil at best.
The lost cause is exactly
The lost cause is exactly what I fear. While I can easily disengage (being an introvert it is kinda my super power) I don't know how to help DH manage his self. He can't disengage like me and I feel so bad for him. Being long distance there are large gaps in visits to begin with. DH does all the calling. I've often thought maybe "drop the rope" with the calls and see how long the kid takes to "miss" dad and call him. But that seems like playing games with the kid.
REwriting history
I read some other comments. Toxic troll BM loves to rewrite history and tells Munchkin SD14 that DH is "jealous, angry and abusive". I am consistently letting her know the truth of things.
Just last night we had a long convo about her mother. She even acknowledges her mother is a high level of crazy. And lies.
We even discussed facebook. And how totally inappropriate and crazy her posts are...just ick. She is icked out by her own mother...
What are the kids saying or
What are the kids saying or doing to you?
It isn't anything directed at
It isn't anything directed at me, more so to DH. BM tells them DH did her wrong in so many different ways. 99% of which she is not telling the truth. Adult content that no child should have to hear or discuss with a parent about the other parent.
If they were adults it would maybe be worth correcting the stories but would involve flipping the script and them hearing how horrible she was during the marriage. Dont they say people project what they have done onto others?? DH has not done that and in turn looks like the the bad guy, at least to one kid.
I'm in a similar situation.
I'm in a similar situation. One skid told all who would listen that DH and I are constantly telling him how much we "hate" BM. The reality is that her name is rarely mentioned in our home. In her mind though, we say all kinds of things about her and she can't resist telling SS. SS also regularly tells DH he is "lying" after he tells DH something BM said about DH and DH tells him it's not true.
This skid was going up counseling (BM demanded it because she assumed the counselor would tell DH he was a terrible person) and the counselor was helping him to see that what BM was telling him was maybe not 100% accurate, but BM stopped taking him after a couple months when It became clear that the counselor wasn't going to recommend that DH not be allowed to see SS.
SS is now a teen and in high school. He has told DH that he is now "old enough" for BM to tell him these things. This has made it impossible for me not to resent him, even though he has been brainwashed by BM for nearly 10 years. He brings BM's drama into my house all the time. I basically avoid him for the most part. I've told DH that I'm not his biggest fan. I think DH is a little soured on his as well.
I have often thought about
I have often thought about counseling, I fear it is too late now. I can tell since Summer my DH has soured as well. I don't get why the BMs think this is a good tactic. They are screwing up a human being.
Honestly, you can't separate
Honestly, you can't separate it, really, at least not until the kid comes back at an older age and acknowledges they were brainwashed and lied to - if they ever do. Until then, just keep your distance. At a certain age, it's their responsibility to be civil human beings no matter what their mother says to them - I can forgive a manipulated 7-year-old, but have a harder time when they are 16 or 17.
I was very angry at my SS during the time he was alienated from DH, and even though he's back, he's never owned any of his behavior or apologized for any of it. So I just keep my distance.
I do not think it is possible
I do not think it is possible either. We went through this situation too. BM number 2 had the skids and her friends convinced we were the most evil of people. If we went out in public BM and her friends would turn their back on DH and I. I have never had anyone else anywhere ever do this. BM 1 and her family and friends are all perfectly civil .
At one point I told skid at the time aged 12 that what her mother said just simply was not true. The reply I don't know what to believe.
This skid is now 24 and while still loyal to her mother appears to be able to see what her mother was doing. Perhaps the skid will come around in time.
I have always been a firm
I have always been a firm believer of telling the truth. Yes that also includes step kids at any age they are.
"dh did her wrong'---is a laungage I dont understand,,,IF you mean BM is telling the kids bold faced lies, then IF they are telling you the lies, you should correct. Example;
Mommy told us that YOU took daddy away from us. ---Your response should not be just your jaw falling to the floor, you tell them that is not true and dh should be there to tell them what really took place.
MOMMY told us she is broke and it is so hard to be a single mom paying for everything, why dont you help her? Answer: That is not true. Do you remember that once in awhile mommy and I go to court?--Well, a long time ago,the Judge also ask ME (dad) to pay your mom 500 a month for each of you. She gets that every month from me. That is to help feed you when you with your mom, clothing, toys, dance class--what ever YOU want.
OK? Your mommy is silly.:)
Whats your middle name?? Mommy said it's HO, is that true?
Just be honest---
Remember this, you would not put up with lies IF you were a mother. The schools do not put up with poor behavior AND will call the parents if being untruthful is ongoing AND problematic. Adult can be fired from jobs too.
see where I am going---?? Dont ignore it.
(((HUGS))))
I def follow your logic. It
I def follow your logic. It is in the divorce paperwork neither parents shall speak ill of the other. She obviously doesn't follow that, so does DH then just say Eff it and pull off the gloves? " No daddy didn't cheat but mommy sure as $hit did, etc"? That seems gross to talk to kids about either way.
Disengage from SS
Let DH handle SS. He the parent.
Look up disengagement. Don't do anything for SS,
I am pulling back
but am wanting to help DH deal with his frustration.
For me, it helped to
For me, it helped to reclassify my anger as being for the situation rather than any one person. In my step dynamic, no one is blameless.
It also helped to detach a bit and acknowledge that while it sucks, it's part of my H's journey, not mine. I didn't sleep with low class crazy, I didn't have more kids than I could afford, and I'm not the one who chose the path of least resistance.
I get to choose who I allow in my circle, and I stopped suffering for my DH's mistakes long ago.
Wow
thank you...this really hit home for me.
"I'm not the one who chose the path of least resistance.
I get to choose who I allow in my circle, and I stopped suffering for my DH's mistakes long ago."
When kids are telling lies,
When kids are telling lies, should you not correct?
It is not like dh would be calling her flat chested boy body asshole. I believe that is what court means by not speaking ILL of someone.
Mommy said you cheated.... dh-that is not true.