So, I've had several epiphanies in the last few days I think it's mostly sleep deprivation and frequent spans of waiting that has lead to my sudden brain blasts. Two nights ago I decided I was no longer going to be anxious. I have been beating myself up about things that I could have never controlled and will never control. Specifically, that I have no real warm fuzzy feelings towards SS4 and feeling guilty that BS2 is my whole world. I finally told my husband that even though I will never actively treat SS and BS differently I don't have the same feelings towards them. We've been together almost four years and I never said anything because I was worried that he would freak out but GUESS WHAT!!! HE TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD! It was an awesome, liberating experience to finally be able to admit to both DH and myself that I have mixed feelings about SS4. Some days I like him as a four year that's at my house all the time and some days I want to sell him to the circus. And honestly this realization has improved SS and my relationship as well because I don't have linger feelings of doubt or guilt. My new mantra is "It is what it is, I am a chair and chairs just don't care". I've also start meditating and deciding that it's time to start focusing on myself. It may sound strange but I bought three articles of clothing in one month and am going to go shopping for another one or two in a few days! I still have shirts from MIDDLE SCHOOL that I've been wearing(I'm 22 almost 23, they still fit just fine but they're so frayed DH tells me I look like a hobo). I grew up with not much money and personal appearance was always rather low on my priority list but since moving to our new state I've decided that I want to be pretty. I want to look in the mirror and think 'Damn! I look good!' instead of pulling on my baggy shirts to confirm to myself that I still really do have a waist. FINALLY our lives are getting to the point that we have extra money that doesn't need to go to bills or the boys, the last two years have been absolutely hell-ish for us. BS was born with two congential defects so he's had two major inpatient surgeries (the last one we're still paying off), SS4 had a minor surgery for his ears, a custody battle that BM basically started just to make us spend several thousand dollars that we didn't have, TWO job losses for DH, a 'friend' of DH's move in with us with her AWFUL kid and her HORRIBLE dog, DH and I getting married, and a DH that just can't figure out how fiances work has made for a very, VERY stressful two years. DH and I are both working full time, my boss LOVES giving out OT (5 hours last paycheck and more coming this paycheck) and DH loves his job! Also, we figured out or schedules so that we don't have to pay for babysitters or daycare!

I wish I could bottle this joy up and give it to everyone on this site because you all really have gotten me through some tough, tough times. I appreciate each and every one of your stories and advice!!