I agree with new traditions! And/or introducing them to your own family traditions that are important to you. My skids also like doing gingerbread houses and it doesn't step on any toes or old memories because their mom doesn't do it. And you don't have to decide this all by yourself! Ask your DH what traditions are important to him! What does he want to continue or start! Ask him to be in charge of a holiday meal or activity! You don't need to take all the responsibility on yourself.

I also DO make my DH responsible. I don't do his kids laundry or cook for them because his kids are critical of food and picky eaters. Plus I refuse to do laundry for teens because they are old enough to do it for themselves and should be taught. If he wants to coddle and enable, I let him make that choice but I won't contribute to it. I have found disengagement to be completely awesome, though it did take practice. I don't have a great sense of satisfaction in parenting other people's kids, but some people do get satisfaction from that kind of caretaking. There's nothing wrong with that! But if this is a dynamic that makes you feel bad constantly and like you don't measure up, consider writing out things you do for your DH and his kids. To the right of that put down if it makes you feel good, neutral, or bad. And if you can try and let go of the activities that you feel judged for and focus on adding more of the ones that feel good so you can have the satisfaction of caretaking withiut the sense of inadequacy. Or don't! It's just a thought.

1-dad-4-kids had a good idea about the new traditions.

I wanted to address holiday stress which might be a part of your problem.  Between the kids' expectations, hallowed traditions and all the ads on tv, we sometimes put too many "should dos" on ourselves.  I was almost in tears one Christmas when I was working full time, going to night school, decorating, making crafts, planning a Christmas celebration for 20+ people, sending cards, shopping for gifts, wrapping, and having house guests including my small GD who cried a lot.    I gave it a lot of thought afterwards and realized how absurd it was to put all this on myself and cut back more each year.

The holidays are still tough here in stepland and probably always be but I can control how much of my energy I expend and make sure its on what matters to me.  Hoping for a sane, happy holiday for you and us all.

Out of your home.  She or her junk has no place in YOUR home 

To you. Yes, holidays in our stepworlds are tough. Tougher when we are treated as less than and the family we "stepped up" for doesnt appreciate us, and works against us. Your posts tell a tale of disappointment and discouragement. And backstabbing.

(more hugs)

OP, you don't want to disengage and make your husband do things. Why? Yes, mine does everything in regard to his son and always did, even when he was younger.  I only have done what I volunteer to do.  He also dealt entirely with BM, I never said anything to her other than "hello" on a handful of occasions.  I say that only because you "doubt" that anyone has a husband who deals with his kids.

Suggesting you make him be responsible for his kids is not husband-bashing. Decide what you are willing to do and let the rest be undone if he won't.  Or keep doing as you are, make no changes, and be unhappy. Your choice. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Is this how regular moms feel? 

I say this gently: No. I love doing for my family, because they are mine. I don't "do" for skid because he's not mine. DH does for skid. It's simple as that. BM has no place in my home nor does she make rules for my home. I echo Tog's question: Why don't you want to disengage and make your husband do what he should be doing?

Of course you feel like he has a other family and you're just sort of living on top of it. He didn't clear the space for you when BM left. We all know that men suffer from inertia. If you want to get rid of her stuff continue to box it up and send it with the skids. If you want new traditions then shortly after Thanksgiving start decorating the house exactly how you want it. If you don't want to deal with them at all then visit your family for the holidays. 

When BPs remarry they need to clear a space for the step parent in their life. If they don't then the step parent is never going to really assimilate into the family. They're always going to be the other, or an appendage. Not having a place for them in the family makes step parents feel like they are background characters in their own lives. To a degree you can take control of this but it's not something that fixes itself on its own and it can be very lonely waiting for it to resolve.

I've had plenty of Christmas blues over the years and the first few years of steplife sucked rocks. 

When DH was still a Disney Dad, BioHo commandeered Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. For a couple of years, I let DH mope about it. After a lengthy and patient discussion (biting my tongue to be that way), we went shopping for OUR Christmas stuff (my gift to him). That included a small tree in the boys' rooms. DH didn't have much money, but we found inexpensive gifts for the boys which they loved. And knowing 'Ho wouldn't let them come over for 5 minutes, we celebrated the weekend before Christmas. *diablo*

We started new traditions. The tree in the boys' room was decorated by DH and the SSs while I baked cookies. The tree in the living room was a family affair. Every year, I buy silly gifts for everyone (including DH) and everyone has so much fun acting like a bunch of 10 year olds! Both SDs tell me every year how much they look forward to that. In the beginning, it was (for me) artificial and going through the motions because I wanted DH to be happy. A decade later, I actually look forward to it.

Let your DH address the stuff at BM's. Can/will the skids and your DH help decorate the tree? If not, do what you can and forego the rest. You shouldn't have to do all of the work. A new tradition could be putting together a gingerbread house or decorating cookies. Driving around to see lights followed by hot cocoa. 

And you are NOT coming up short. They're unappreciative poopie heads. Do nothing and they poop rings around themselves. {{{HUGS}}}

BM has "stuff" at your house and has sh!t to say about it? There is only one fix for that and it's getting rid of all her stuff. Seriously. Get rid of it. Send it with skids, or bag it up and put it in the garage or porch and tell her to come get it. Done. Any resistance to doing that is bullsh!t. Whether by your DH, skids, BM, or even (for whatever reason) yourself.

If you don't want anyone to husband-bash, then bash your boundaries or lack of. This is YOUR house. You are the woman of that house. If you are treating your stepkids with kindness and respect, and their needs are met, and you aren't stopping your DH from seeing them and exercising his custodial rights, that's IT. Any holiday festivities you engage in for their benefit are a gift from you. You know if you are trying or not.

One thing i have been guilty of in the past is doing things i don't want to do, or accepting things i don't want to deal with, then being resentful of it afterward. I am done with that and so should you be. If you don't get any joy or appreciation out of something, don't do it! You seriously don't have to. Your resentment will be gone, no matter what anyone else's reaction. You didn't raise these kids and you didn't create your DH and BM's dysfunction, therefore you have no control over either of those situations. But, aside from the custody schedule (please tell me they have a CO), you can control your home. 

1.  Yeah.. get rid of ALL her things.  Nothing that she can lay claim on should be in your home (except for the kids on their father's visitation time..lol).

2.  It's fine to carry on some traditions that may have been family style..like watching a certain movie.. drinking cocoa the morning of Christmas.. allowing a kid to open one present Christmas Eve.. drive aroung and look at the lights. (my 92 yo dad just informed us that when you see a baby Jesus in a creche.. you are supposed to do a shot.. who knew).

3.  HOWEVER... you are not obligated to cookie cutter copy the same Christmas experience that they have had their whole lives including the specific tinsel and tree topper.  You should and should be encouraged to blend in YOUR own traditions and preferences.  And.. if some of the original ornamentary is missing? It's at your mom's you can ask her to put it up.  If BM denies.. then you simply say.. well.. it's not here as far as I can see... nothing can be done about it.  

4.  Reminder that decorations are just THINGS.. it's the spirit of the season.. that is important.  Maintaining rigid standards that exclude you from the enjoyment.. while simultaneously putting all the responsibility on your shoulders if it doesn't go as they remembered?  WRONG.

5.  Fathers can be caregivers to their kids.  Fathers can decorate.. shop... join in all the prep work for the season.  Unless he has some overly demanding job that prevents him from being part of making the holidays special for his kids.  He does not get a pass.. he doesn't get to make it your fault when it doesn't work out.

6.  I have a rule in my home.. if you don't want to do it... you don't get to complain about how the other person does it.  both the kids (age ability) and the husband should be participating in all of this.  Shoot.. even as super young kids we made garlands out of construction paper for the tree.. strung popcorn on thread when we were older.. made ornaments... shopped.. helped mom bake etc..  Everyone just sitting back and watching you bust your tail only to complaine? NOPE.. that is not acceptable.

7.  Remember.. if you are going to get a load of crap no matter what.. take the lazy way out.  If you complain when I don't do it perfectly.. I may not do it again... I will get crap either way.. but if I don't do it.. at least I haven't wasted my time and effort.