They’re grown
When I first took up with a divorced man, with three children, my brother tried to warn me. He told me the ex-wife would always be a problem, that she would find a way to throw a wrench in every holiday plan, that she'd drop the kids off unexpectedly when she knew we were going out of town, that she would do whatever she could cause as many problems as possible in our house. I hoped he was wrong.
Now, almost 10 years in, I know he was so SO right. Every one of his predictions came true. She has caused problems for almost every major holiday.
The youngest just turned 18. A couple of weeks ago, DH reached out to his ex, and asked her what her Christmas plans were, so we didn't plan anything that conflicted with whatever she was doing. She basically acted like he was bothering her, said she's not doing anything traditional, and she didn't care who did what or when. Then she suggested he reach out to the kids and ask them what they wanted to do, because "they're all adults now. They've had 18 years of having things dictated to them, and maybe they would like a say." Not exactly accurate. They've had 18 years of being catered to, but whatever.
Hubs texted all three kids and asked them whether they would rather have Christmas dinner and presents at our house on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. None of them responded. So he asked me what I wanted to do and I said let's do Christmas dinner at 3 o'clock on Christmas day. We saw them for their birthdays a couple weeks ago and he mentioned the fact that he had texted all of them and not gotten a response, and they just got really quiet. So he informed them we are having Christmas dinner at 3 o'clock on Christmas day and he would like it if they came. They said they would, and the plan still is for them to be here at 3 o'clock today.
Shortly thereafter, they were apparently talking to their mom. And she called DH trying to get us to reschedule our dinner. Husband said no dice, that he had sought input from her, and she didn't want to give any, and he had sought input from the kids and they ignored him. We've invited other friends and family, who are going to be here at 3 o'clock on Christmas day. So we're having our dinner at 3 o'clock today, with or without them, although he would prefer that it be with them. Then he could hear the kids in the background, asking if they could bring a friend, asking for specific dishes, and he said yes to the additional invitations and no to the additional dishes because we already bought the groceries and had everything scheduled out and if they had a special request, they should've made it when we asked them.
I was proud of him. I didn't even have to nag him into doing the right thing.
But I think we're going to have to have a follow up conversation with the kids, about how things are going to go now that they're adults. When you have actual children in your home, I think the holidays naturally revolve around them. But once you're grown, those days are gone. We are moving into the time of life when we might vacation during the holidays, or have a bunch of friends and family with grown kids come over, and it won't be all about them anymore. I think the oldest and the youngest will be OK with it, but the middle child will not.
I know will never be completely free of his ex, but it is changing a lot now that we're at this stage and age with kids.
- Irene H.'s blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Good luck. Your DH handled
Good luck. Your DH handled that perfectly. Just be aware that nothing you do will be "right." Things change as they become "adults," including the games they play.
Make your plans, enjoy yourselves. These later years are some of the best if you don't get sucked into other people's drama.
As they become adults....
Holidays became easier on me once our 5 became adults. I had our Christmas on a day other than Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, recognizing they had commitments to BM and their own inlaws. It was buffet style with a "show up at any time from 4 o'clock on" timeframe, ie flexible, since it's hard to get their little ones all ready and here at a fixed time. Once they were all here, we'd open presents.
So, the flexibility possible once they were adults benefited me, too.
You have the right idea. TBH,
You have the right idea. TBH, i sort of agree with the ex about not bothering her but going directly to the kids. You can, in fact, be done with her except having to see her at weddings and graduations and the like.
The kids are adults. You can't spend your time trying to schedule your lives around 3 young adults and an ex wife. Talk to the kids, try your best to schedule, and whoever comes comes. I'm actually in the same situation with my youngest just turning 18. I didn't consult their dad at all. I talked to them directly. If the kids can't handle that, you have more problems than Christmas IMO.
Agree
Schedule for a time other than Ch Eve or Ch day, make it buffet, whoever shows up shows up. I give cash gifts so they would show up for that, if nothing else. Lol.
It seemed like once they had kids, they were more glad to come since we had Santa come and they seemed to appreciate us making it festive for their kids.
100% Agree.
100% Agree.
Great in theory…
It's probably a moot point now, but her pattern has been to get bent out of shape if we don't run things by her, and act like we're bugging her if we do run things by her. Kind of a damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don't situation. But they're grown now, so hopefully it's over.
Agree with you ! I was also
Agree with you ! I was also wondering why the DH was asking the ex about x mas plans if the youngest is 18. Especially if the ex has been a problem in the past . My SD is 14 and DH had to stop asking or conversing anything with BM is also loves to ruin our plans when it suits her. My DH talks directly with SD now. Since the kids are adults I think communication should go to them , leave BM out as she stated. Once your DH communicates the plans that should have been it. Dinner is at 3pm see you there or not. iMO
I can't wait until SO's kids
I can't wait until SO's kids are adults. We still have a few more years, but I'm still looking forward to it. They are very much like your skids, non-responsive with last minute decision making. Hope everything works out!
Again
I don't know how you ladies do it. I'm almost 20 years in however Chef's horrendous ferrals PASed out for good 14 years ago and if they ever darkened my doorstep with their cloven hooves again it would be too soon.
never smooth sailing 100%
But it does get better.
Take the troublesome BM out of the picture. The kids can organize their time with you themselves
Sounds like a rough 10 years! Im about 10 years in and the youngest turns 18 in may. Husband and I also were thinking about taking trips and doing fun things over the holidays...no more worries and stress. At least not about THAT.
my brother tried to warn me.
Yes.
I had to deal with a con game breeder who frequently performed her remote manipulations herself or used her kids.
So remote manipulation x 3
And in my case, the dude was so guilt riddled about divorcing/having his kids in 2 households he frequently folded like a cheap plastic table.
So anytime the breeder was tired of her kids she expected them to be dropped off at the house I used to share whenever it was convenient for her. At that time, my house went from my sanctuary to this beastly breeders' 24/7 on demand respite care. She dumped those kids off EVERY weekend; EVERY holiday and more...
For me, several conversations went above this dudes head (he was in denial about the lack of structure cause strain on our relationship and erroneously assumed I'd instantly love his custody chaos as much as he did) so the only solution was to either leave or move to another town (so far away that it required planned in advance scheduling / visitation) with an iron clad court order.
Good thing your husband set some reasonable boundaries and didn't cater to their whims especially now that they're adults.
It's risky...spending much of your youth with a man wondering/hoping he will understand boundaries and the appropriate roles each person should be in especially if he treated his kids as mini spouses while under 18.
some of these maladjusted bio parents pretend they don't get the memo and the bs continues well beyond 18 .... I don't condone violence and would never go that route but (if I was in a bait n switch relationship, spent my entire youth waiting till skids turn 18, and still had to deal with a partner putting me through steph3ll bs) I see why people end up on Snapped.
Same
We're week on/week off with the Skids. The ex used to try to drop them here, even when hubs was gone on a fire, or once when he went on an out of state hunting trip. So...she wouldn't even speak to me, but wanted me to watch the Skids. And to make it worse, she'd randomly come pick them up to take them places w/out anyone telling me anything, so I never knew who was going to be at my house or when. Hubs told her if she wanted to drop the Skids when he wasn't home, she'd have to coordinate with me. To this day, she's never spoken a word to me. So telling her she had to tt me to use me for babysitting put a stop to that BS. Could you imagine leaving your kids w someone you won't talk to? Especially after claiming that person (me) was abusive to your kids? Mother. Of. The. Year.
But hallelujah! It's over now.
You did the “ right thing”
You asked about day< time. You were told nothing. You made your plans. You can't change your plans. They can come or not that's up to them. They can come early , or latter and have left overs. Your dad DH must face the facts about his kids .
People unfortunately think, they can divorce, and everything will work, the way they want it to work. Not understanding there are other people.
With assholes, tell, don't
With assholes, tell, don't ask.
Date, time. That is it. No special request dishes, no demands. Just "are you coming or not". Then when they say the are not comining and show up..... they get a frozen Turkey Hungry Man Dinner. Those who RSVP in the positive and actually show up on time, get fed.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
My IL's rarely have TG or Xmas on the actual day. They cater to their kid's ILs who get every TG day and Xmas day with extremely rare exception. This TG my MIL told her kids that they would be at her house for TG day since DW and I were driving 1000miles to spend TG in SpermLand with my IL clan. Two of my DW's sib's ILs lost their minds. BIL1's Bovine Bride's mom went non linear and the Bovine Bride of course found it necessary to transfer her mommy's pouting bullshit to my MIL's TG celebration. SIL's DH's mom tried the same crap but her son told her to STFU and stop being a PITA. Not a direct quote, but he did shut his batshit crazy mother down appropriately.
My clan gets together when we can, either a few of us, or extremely rarely all of us. This year was the first time the whole clan has done a Holiday together in about 6yrs. Mom and dad are thrilled that everyone made it a priority. Two of their GKs are married and the model is generally that one year they do TG with the ILs and the next year they do Xmas with the ILs. This seems a far better model to me than the .... kids all spend the actual Holiday with their ILs every year.
I am more of a "the festivities start at X time. Be there." End of discussion. Kind of guy.