First off this is the first time I've posted on this site and I'm new at this so please forgive me if I don't have all the abbreviations down yet.

So, here's the Reader's Digest version:

Me and my husband got married a couple of months ago after dating for a year. Yes, it was fast but I fell completely in love with him. He is a good, kind hearted man who can make me laugh no matter what. He has a 4 year old son, pretty much full time. His ex isn't really what you'd call a stable influence in the step-son's life. We recently moved so we are currently figuring out a long distance shared custody with the ex. When we were dating and when we got married I was working full time and most of my money when to supporting us, since DH's money went to child care, expenses, etc. Since we moved we can't afford daycare, so I have found my self a full time care giver for SS. DH works all day and I stay home. At first I though this would be a great idea because maybe this would give SS and I a chance to bond and really get to know each other. DH and I talked about having more children and I was so excited for the chance to add to our family.

I have been watching him for a couple of months and I'm done. I don't want any other children. I'm counting the days till SS is going to see his mom.

He's not terrible, but he's spoiled. I was raised pretty stricked by my parents. Before I got in this relationship I'd always though (of course) how unfair it was, but now…I've thanked my parents for all that they taught me. I've apologized to my step-father for being as hard on him as I was. I have a whole new outlook on my own childhood.

My SS won't eat anything other than chicken nuggets or cheese quesadillas and he will stubbornly refuse anything new. He won't listen to me if we are with his family or his dad. He will listen fairly well to me when it's just the two of us (of course) but the moment dad gets home all bets are off. He will constantly ask for stuff no matter where we go. His mantra is, "I want, I want, I want." He still isn't potty trained yet. He will start crying on the drop of a hat if he doesn't get his way. He colored all over his TV with crayons.

Now, I know that all of these things are completely normal for a 4 year old. That's where parenting comes in. The problem is my DH… he WON'T discipline him for anything. My DH will give him a snack before dinner and then be surprised when SS won't eat or at least try something new. The whole coloring on the TV incident, DH said that he couldn't punish SS because we didn't actually catch him in the act. DH is always going on to our friends and family how he's firm with is son and how he keeps him in line, but to me he's letting his son get away with everything.

At first, DH said that I have as much authority as he does with his son. Well, that didn't end up lasting that long. I wanted SS to say Please, Thank You, May I, and be polite to everyone. Since he was picky with his food I tried to make sure that we didn't give him any snacks or treats before the meal. I felt that there should be consequences for his choices. DH is satisfied with a "I'm sorry." and everything is magically ok and SS gets exactly what he wanted in the first place.

Finally, after multiple fights with DH, I just gave up. I said fine, if you want to raise your son spoiled then that's fine. Tell me what you want me to do with him during the day and I'll do it. I won't try to get him to eat new things. He can have chicken nuggets for every meal (which I know is SO NOT HEALTHY!) if that's what you want. Then he couldn't give me any rules. He prefers the case-by-case basis for every occurrence. Oh and let me tell you, I have never seen him as angry as when SS started throwing a fit and DH looks to me and I literally held up my hands and said, "I'm letting you handle it. Do what ever you think is best." DH then said, "Well, I still want you opinion, even if I don't agree with it. We're a team!" Like hell we're a team! Your son back talks or ignores me and I look to you for back up and you give in to your son. I discipline him and you say I'm being to hard on him. I back off and let you handle a situation in the way you feel is appropriate and I'm not being apart of this family. So basically I ended up damned if I do and damned if I don't. I realized after reading some on this site that I'm starting to distance

My previous job, I was working with dogs. I was training, socializing, and monitoring play groups. I learned what it meant to be a calm assertive leader. When it comes to this 4 year old though I'm going insane! Children (like dogs-sorry if that offends anyone) need to understand the consequences for their actions. That way there is no confusion and no misunderstanding on anyones part, including mine! I've worked with dogs for so long that most of my analogies are going to be dog related, so I hope that's ok. If the rules are changed every day then how can a child learn what is appropriate or not. He will always feel picked on because he gets away with everything when Dad's here, but I'm the mean evil step-mom who makes him say please and thank you or pick up his toys at his grandparents house or have him try and go potty because he'll get too excited and pee/poop his pants or say he can't stay at his cousins house because this aunt and uncle have to work the next day (DH will foist the question on to the uncle and aunt so that he isn't the one to tell SS no). I'm the one who has to be the bad guy.

I can't handle my SS but DH is still talking about "our baby" and "wait till you have one of your own".

Nope. Not going to happen. DH constant corrections of my (step)parenting style has already shot any tiny amount of confidence I had for raising a child. I'm just hoping we can make it through raising SS and that's it. Raising children is too hard mentally, physically, and emotionally. I recognize that I'm ONLY the step-mom, but I can't imagine raising another child on top of this balancing act.