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I don't know what to do.

jdlusk's picture

Submitted by jdlusk on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 12:56pm

I am not sure that I'm cut out for the life I consiciously stepped into with my current husband and his daughter.  Background, we have been together for four years and married for only four months.  He is a recovering alcoholic and struggled with the disease for two long years of which I helped him to seek treatment.  He neglected his daughter during that time and now he's "making up for what he lost out on".  He has two grown daugthers with one being what he refers too as "high functionining autism".  She is 22 years old and doesn't do anything.  She lives with her mother during the week and with us on a varied schedule of Friday to Tuesday or Friday to Monday.  During her visit she lives like a queen by having everything catered to her.  I feel like a slave in my own home and if she doesn't agree with something that I do or say, he sides with her and I become the evil person and am asked to "take it for the team".  He won't tell his daughters that he's married as he wants her to be the unofficial officiant to a pretend ceremony so that she can be a part of this special event.  I thought a marriage celebration was supposed to be about two people - me and him..not his daughter.  He constantly refers to "we" in terms of daily activities or anything outside the norm but the "we" that he speaks of is him and her and never me.  I'm the only one that has to go to work as he's retired, yet I'm the one that does the majority of the household chores.  I think I have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life and not sure what to do.  

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 1:04pm

I would tell him that he can forget about her being the "flower girl" at his pretend wedding.. but maybe she can carry the pen for him when he goes to sign the divorce papers????

honestly.. the situation that you have doesn't seem livable.  I would not want to live with an adult daughter with no real disability.. plus he is really freshly sober.. 

Do not feel an obligation to stay with him just because you "fixed him.  In many ways.. addicts still behave like addicts.. even after they are sober.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 1:18pm

I don't say this often but I do think you made a mistake.

I would refuse to play servant in my own home and I certainly wouldn't be willing to hide my marriage. 

You are 100% correct in thinking that your marriage is only about the 2 of you and the fact that he inserts his daughter, Autistic or not, is just gross. I say that having a 19 yr old mid functioning Autistic SS that lives with us full time (BM hasn't been in his life for most of his life). 

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 1:35pm

Do yourself the favor and divorce this man and never look back. Not only did you live with an alcoholic who is now recovered, but now you are dealing with the dysfunction of him catering to his daughter and doesn’t have the decency to tell her that you are both married? You’re basically his live in maid who does all the chores, pays the bills, and keeps his bed warm at night. He has no respect for you and you are definitely not a priority.

Bless yourself with the gift of a divorce. Wishing you all the best.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 1:42pm

(((HUGS)))))

Its is OK to say, you know what..I have made a mistake and move on. As in file for divorce and 'move on' in your life.

It appears that you have woken up from the slumber of addiction (your dhs) and THIS , all of this is what you see very clearly as not healthy. All addiction is tragic.. it never ends and it never stops.....it will suck the living day lights out of those around it. HIS addiction became your addiction and your problem.

 Own it, tell him its YOU not him....leave with what you came with and be done with it.

Also:

Is it fair to assume because of dh's disabled adult daughter, that he is and will continue to pay cs? You said she is living with BM and doesn't do anything. I'll take it as she doesn't work a part time job? IF dh doesnt pay adult cs,  that is very suprising. DH and bm should be using all county resources to make sd independent so she can live by herself OR in group home with others just like she is. 

Nevertheless,,,,it IS ok to say you made a mistake an move on.

 

Be happy OP...I wish you the very best.

 

 

 

 

jdlusk's picture

Submitted by jdlusk on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 2:25pm

Thanks for the advice.  Yes, his daughter doesn't have a job and refuses to search for one.  She becomes very emotional when the subject is brought up and he coddles her after.  She does have a mental disability but not to the point that she can't assume some form of work, even if it's just helping out at home - even making her bed turns into an argument and huge fight.  He's financially very stable and paid child support until she graduated from school..I am as well, so the money portion of our life is fine.  The problem I have is when I'm away each day for work they both sleep in and play during the day.. yet if I make any suggestion that I need help with home chores he tells me I don't understand how her disbility works and becomes very angry that I want it done.  He turns everything into me being too demanding.  She wasn't part of the dynamic of our relationship before and now that he's sober she plays this huge role of which I'm required to conform.  I think it's wonderful that he wants to be a good father but don't feel that she should always be number one.  

 

Daisymazy2's picture

Submitted by Daisymazy2 on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 2:23pm

My youngest son, age 21, has high functioning autism.  We don't live in a fantsy world.  We experience real life.  I would never pretend anything  to him.  The real world doesn't work that way.  He also has one of those J-O-B-S and he works 40 plus hours a week.  It doesn't pay much but we are working on that.   I have done my best to help him succeed in this world.  My biggest fear has will not be prepared to live by himself when I am no longer here. I am not planning on dying anytime soon but it is more than likely that he will out live me.

You don't need to go through the "pretend" wedding.  If YOU feel you have made a mistake, then you need to find out what you can do to fix it.  Do you need to leave this relationship, Do you need to speak up or do you need counseling?  It is up to you to determine what are willing to tolerate.  

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 2:41pm

Get in the car when he goes to his AA meeting. While he is at AA walk down the hall and attend an Alanon meeting.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 4:03pm

I was going to suggest this as well. Have you thought about co-dependency as an issue? The dynamic in your relationship has shifted since DH became sober, especially since you were the driving force behind his sobriety. This is an issue above and beyond the one with his daughter - which is untenable.

If you are the only one in the household with an outside job, you should be doing the least amount of "household" chores. The situation is unfair.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 4:37pm

Get him to pay for a maid, lawncare, and any other household help since he won't do it or make her do any.  

If it was me I'd let it slip that we already got married.  Then when she gets upset put him on the spot about why he would lie to her.  Throw him under the bus.  Do not own any of this deception.  Put it all on him.  

After all this, if he balks at any of it, you know this will never work out and call that lawyer.  Where you going to be in a year from now?  Still spinning your wheels with this dysfunction or on your way to a better place on your terms??????

sickofstephell's picture

Submitted by sickofstephell on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 5:44pm

Sounds horrid. After four years together, why did you marry him four months ago?!?!?!?!

jdlusk's picture

Submitted by jdlusk on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 6:01pm

I think I took a stupid pill.  In all reality he had returned from being treated for alcoholism and was doing great.  As soon as we said our I Do's she decided to begin staying with us and now I feel like I'm loosing my identity and ability to cope.  Maybe there is some co-dependency issues on my part and as such I am considering counseling for it.  When we got married the promise was to announce it to them the next weekend but four months later that's yet to happen. 

Another problem is that I don't like drama at home as part of my occupation deals with mitigating employee/employer drama..so if my attempts to push back on anything results in a heated converation or fight I tend to give in or conform.  Example:  She doesn't like to hear people eat loud food such as chips..We had a meal over the weekend that had chips with it.  I made the mistake of eating one and she started complaining of which he told me to stop eating them.  My response was that we all would have to stop if it was a problem, which she grabbed a handful and proceeded to start munching and he told her that was ok.   IMO..the correct response would have been to ask her to dismiss herself from the kitchen if she had a problem with it or all of us to remove the cruntchy items from our plates - not just he and I.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Tue, 10/15/2019 - 7:34pm

What the hell? He told you to stop freaking eating?! 

It's ok you made a mistake and got married. It's not ok to stay even though you realize it. 

Sheesh. Stop eating. Hell no.