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Divorce Dilema

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:43am

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and he's still legally married to BM. He's finally taking steps to get a divorce and the BM is digging in her heals. She is going to make this divorce difficult, only because she doesn't want to see anyone happy, especially me and her ex. I'm very frustrated and I'm allowing her actions to upset me. I'm feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I don't like having to deal with her bullshit and have consider leaving my relationship if things don't get rolling. We want to get married but I'm not sure the divorce will happen and we can't afford a lawyer. She uses their two young kids as leverage as well. And she still wants him to take care of her financially such as getting benefits through his work.

Does anyone have any advice or coping mechanisms that will help me through this or is this just a lost cause for me?

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:46am

Sometimes divorces can drag out for years and years. There is really nothing you can do until a settlement is reached or he gives up and gives her what she wants. The only thing you can do is to start saving for a lawyer. He needs to get a 2nd job if that is what it takes... Good luck!!

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:56am

Mine certianly would have. Thankfully my parents pitched in and I was able to get a amazing lawyer (I paid them back 1 year later with tax returns). But it cost about 6K in all and took about 2 years.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:55am

when you say your BF is "taking steps to get a divorce" what do you mean by that when you say that he can't afford a lawyer?

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:02am

They had both originally agreed to go the inexpensive route but now that he wants her to do her part, she's giving excuses.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:01am

How long were they married? Did she work? Have they accumulated anything in the marriage worth fighting over?

It doesn't always have to be the knock down, drag out fight she may want him to believe it is.

He should look around and see it there are any organizations that can help him with some legal advice. Do you guys belong to a church?

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:08am

They were together for ten years and broke up almost four years ago. They don't have any assets so theoretically it should be an easy divorce. He doesn't have anyone to talk to about this but me. We don't belong to a church.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:15am

She does't work either. She can't keep a job. She's now going to school taking a three year business course. This is the fourth time she's done to school in ten years and hasn't fully completed any of these courses. She always drops out or starts another program.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:41am

She doesn't have the mental capacity to plan something so clever. However, they've been married for over ten years.

I guess we'll have to get a lawyer. :?

Rowsickmom's picture

Submitted by Rowsickmom on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:08am

My DH was still married to his ex-wife when we met, but had been separated three years.
I was on him and him about getting a divorce. Neither of them had the money to file, so it just never got done (I don't understand people). Finally he was able to borrow the money from his work and pay them back so he could get divorced. Boy was she pissed and she took like two weeks to sign the papers. She's just an a**hole and thought she had control over him, until I came along. She would threaten that she would keep his daughter away from him, but I knew she wouldn't b/c SD is a handful and ex-wife couldn't handle her all by herself. So I won, well DH and I won. We have recently gotten married and are expecting a baby. Things are mediocre with ex. The point is don't give up and keep telling him that she can't and won't do anything even if she threatens.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:13am

This sounds very similar to our situation. BM is very much the same, she still wants to be the main woman in DH life, even though she ended the relationship. She just can't accept that he's happier with me. Maybe we need to look into borrowing money, somehow. It's good to know that we can make all the arrangements and just have her sign the papers. I know she'll never do anything to help with this. I don't understand why she is the way she is, she has a boyfriend and they've been together for several years.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:45am

Maybe it's the simple fact that she doesn't want to spend the money either. I mean I guess she could argue that your BF is "draggin his feet" since he hasn't run out to get a lawyer and get the ball rolling.

As much as I couldn't wait to be divorced from my cheating ExH, if I wasn't the one to get the lawyer first, and then to continually call, make appointments etc., I'd still be married, because my ExH wouldn't have been bothered. I'm sure he wanted the divorce, I mean HE was the one who had a girlfriend, he was just lazy and didn't want to be bothered with the whole thing.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 10:11am

Totally true. My BF in theory wants the divorce while I'm the one doing the research, printing off documents, etc.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 12:06pm

Bingo! It's just a crappy pill to swallow... I mean really? Who the heck wants to waste time sitting in a lawyer's office, reading stupid legal jargon that makes about as much sense as a BM on crack? And who wants to fork their hard earned money over by the thousands to a lawyer to draw up some documents and file crap with the courts?

I can tell you, I really don't ever want to go through that again. It was a big headache and when I think about the check I had to write I want to vomit. I could have bought A LOT of shoes and purses with that money! Sad

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 12:07pm

Amen!!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 9:20am

Is he doing anything financially for her now? Does he see the kids?

He should not fall for any threats from her.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 10:09am

So, they already have some sort of arrangement. He should probably consult with a lawyer and see what his options are.

What does he think his chances are of her signing once she is actually served? Exactly what would she contest? I take it he's not fighting for custody or anything out of the ordinary?

He has had 4 years to save for this, ya know. As much as I hate giving lawyers money, if he wants it done, he might just have to bite the bullet. Perhaps him having a lawyer will give her incentive to just sign and be done with it. It will show that he is serious.

kellyrae1's picture

Submitted by kellyrae1 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 10:13am

They have a verbal agreement about support and he wants shared custody, she's mentioned she should have full custody because the kids live with her. I'm not convinced that she'll sign anything, he's giving her the benefit of the doubt. I think this will get ugly. I'm not sure I have the energy for that.