Am I crazy?
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years and we have a solid relationship. He has two kids aged 6 and 9 and I get along with them for the most part.
His ex wife however, has been a source of frustration for most of our relationship. She comes to all the family functions (his family invites her)and is very opinionated. Since the beginning, she's acted like she's still his wife and will eat off his plate in front of me and follows him around. She's pointed out that he used to do for her what he now does for me. I finally called her on this after the family annual picnic. I was so angry just by having her there that it ruined my time with my bf and his family. My bf told her to stop coming to the family events and she went off on him. Telling him he's turning into a real jerk since he started dating me and really make him feel guilty. She said the kids wouldn't be able to go with us if she didn't go.
I deplore this woman and feel it's gotten so bad that I won't be able to go to thanksgiving dinner this Sunday b/c she'll be there. What should I do?
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Not crazy at all. Many of us
Not crazy at all. Many of us have fought (and won) these battles with our DH and family. Once upon a time it was appropriate for her to be there. Then they got divorced, and it really wasn't, but it kept happening because that's how it'd been. Usually it isn't until a new gf enters the scene that problems start. It's simple. DH should tell his family that you are important to him and he does not want BM there. If they refuse then both you and DH should boycott these events.
I'm afraid his kids and
I'm afraid his kids and family will resent me, is there anyway from preventing this?
Yup I agree w PP, his family
Yup I agree w PP, his family has to choose if they want Her to come or your DH, cuz if she goes he shouldn't go...and maybe then they'll get the message! This woman is stil clinging to their Past relationship and needs to Move the F ON! What's wrong w this family of his!?!?
His brother's ex also comes
His brother's ex also comes to all the family gatherings and has for years. I was told in the beginning that this is the way his family is and I have to accept it. My BF finally saw the damage this is doing to us and now agrees with me that she shouldn't be there.
Ell in that case your BF
Ell in that case your BF needs to tell hus family that his EX being there makes HIM uncomfortable...he shouldn't mention you, it should be coming from Him. And explain it to them that Nothing lasts Forever and just because "that's how its always been" doesn't meen it needs to continue. As for the kids not being able to come if She doesn't...that's what CO is for! She doesn't get to decide that
That's just crazy!! It's
That's just crazy!! It's called DIVORCE, that's what happens when you get a divorce. If she wants to visit the family and stay close she needs to do that when you are not around. It's disrespectful to you and i'm glad that your BF is agreeing with you.
Good for his family. That
Good for his family. That doesn't mean YOU and DH have to go along with it. That one big family thing can work, but only when all the adults behave like adults. Your BM eating off DH plate is no different than lifting her leg to mark her territory. She couldn't behave, so she loses invite privileges. Will skids resent you? Maybe, but if it wasn't for this it'd be for something else later.
Agree with above poster, if
Agree with above poster, if his family will not stop inviting her to 'joint' events, then you and BF should not go either. If your BF doesn't agree with this, then you need to realize this is what you will be facing for your entire life. yes, there are instances where you will all have to be together, but not just at any ordinary family event, and holiday, but marriages, graduations, etc, are obvious. Is his brother remarried or have a GF, how does she feel about ex being at all family functions. This woman is hanging on to past relationship and perhaps hoping to run off any GF's her ex gets. Anyone in their right mind would not want to keep hanging out with ex-inlaws, she would just send the children with her ex and have her own life. If your BF won't boycott these events, you need to rethink your future and decide if this is what you want.
I'm very glad to see that
I'm very glad to see that wanting boundaries is a "normal" feeling. BM see's this as me being insecure and I was asking myself if she was right.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to help me with this. I very much appreciate it.
BM is the one who is
BM is the one who is insecure. A secure person doesn't act the way she does.
I agree with you and I know
I agree with you and I know his family likes BM and they do socialize outside of family events. When BM freaked out about staying away from family functions, he asked her what she thought she was losing. She told him she didn't believe he wanted this, that this was because of my insecurities and reminded him of all the times she's been there for him. She also brought up the girl he dated before me, Lisa, and that Lisa had to put up with her being there as well. And that this was the deal they made when they separated. She lit into him about me and then threatened to not let the kids attend without her. She kept saying that she hadn't done anything wrong and that she apologized for her past bad behaviour so all should be forgiven. He tried to tell her that it has nothing to do with the tension between her and I but she kept repeating the deal they made when they initially separated, single and keeping the peace for the kids. Also, this woman couldn't keep her word if her life depended on it. She is always late, never follows through with anything she says and doesn't give DH the credit he deserves.
My in laws have the same
My in laws have the same issue, the love the "ex" even though she was never a wife or even a real gf. When my fil's mother was in the hospital, my mil called bm to take sd to go visit her. She invited bm to the funeral (bm barely spent any time with the deceased) and bm bailed on the funeral last minute because; she was "too tired". My in laws invite her to everything. Luckily bm doesn't always show.... Still irritating though... Good luck!