You are here

DH the lawyer

Kerrid04's picture

Submitted by Kerrid04 on Sun, 09/04/2011 - 3:26am

Well for you have seen some of my past post nothing much has changed if anything at all SD says she takes back what she said " that she hates me" but she wouldn't apologize just that she takes it back for some reason I don't believe a word she says maybe b/c at 7 years old i think i have caught her lying about more things than I have my whole 25 years of life. Anyways every time she had done something lately DH will sit there and try to give her a reason of why she did it for example BD 2 &1/2 was hurt the other day and SD 7 was caught laughing at her (she actually does it a lot) and DH will be like was something funny on TV, were you laughing b/c you thought she was joking and just go on and on until she just kind of nods her head to a reason. It just seems to me instead of sitting there giving her reason why she could do it and it was OK why doesn't her care that she doesn't have compassion for others.Also on Friday she gets out of school and runs up to me and says I made daddy a labor day card! and opens it to show me what she colored him and jumps in the car and says here daddy I made this for you. I am not going to lie being the primary caretaker for her and our household it hurt my feeling but didn't say anything. So we get home and I go about doing laundry and thinking about how she acts towards me and DH asks whats wrong. I explained how she doesn't treat me like I am even a part of her family let alone life and it is hurting my feeling that when he gets home from work its Daddy will you watch this with me and Daddy will you eat dinner with me (regardless of the fact we all eat dinner together every night) just DH and myself are often a little slow getting to the table since we are getting the kids food ready. She even goes as far as to wait til I go into the bathroom to tell him she loves him so she doesn't have to tell me also since when she told me she hated me DH made such a big deal about her being mean to me she has now adjusted the way she does things so she either doesn't have to ask me or has to be reminded to ask or tell me she loves me and after all that I rather just be left out. I tried to explain to him that you cant force her into expressing fake feelings for me or even getting mad at her for it but I cant sit here and pretend it doesn't rip my heart out much longer. I have done so much trying to get her to love me and nothing she just seems to get meanie and meanie to me and BD. sorry I know this skips all over the place but its very late and I guess like the site says I am just venting and hoping I am not the only one and at the same time hope nobody else is living my hell.

Comments

stepmama2one's picture

Submitted by stepmama2one on Sun, 09/04/2011 - 6:17am

OH MY GOD I FREAKIN HATE THIS!!! My husband will do this to SD all the time. It drives me nuts because then when its over he will say, "Well she wont do it again and she learned a lesson," then of course I will say," NO she didnt you stupid jackass!! She doesnt even know what she did because you just gave her excuses and she wont ever learn not to be bad because all you just taught her was to lie and to say any bullshit thing that pops into her head!!!""

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Sun, 09/04/2011 - 9:50am

my dh does this as well-not as much anymore but still does it from time to time when he can no longer maintain the denial. SS is 13 so we've been doing this for a long time and ladies it does get better-in that dh does it less and less over the years. The last time he did it was a couple of months ago. SS was going to stay with my inlaws (permanently) and packed his bag of clothes. He brought it out and left it in the kitchen and went about his business. Curious soul that I am, I opened it up and looked in there. I found like 8 or 9 items belonging to my ds. In fact there were just as many things of my ds's as there were of ss's. Half of my ds's wardrobe was in there practically.

So dh and ss walk back in the room and I address dh, "did you tell ss he could take these things of ds's or did he just do it on his own"-he was like, "no". SS started YELLING at me and told me he essentially had every right to take my ds's things because they were all size smalls and ds wears mediums. My dh jumps in and says "it doesnt give you the right to just take other people's things"-then ss starts going on about how stupid THIS is (which I am THIS)blah, blah, and then bil gets here and picks him up-dh walks out with him.

After he leaves dh comes back in and says, "He just got confused from the time you told him that ds had some clothes that were small and he could have them". I just looked at him with my mouth hanging open. Finally I said, "Really? You believe that? (I know not very subtle)-I never told ss anything about ANY clothes I had told dh a few weeks prior that my ds had outgrown some clothes that ss could have and I would go thru them and give them to him. Also there were maybe two items that were size smalls-the rest were all mediums. He got them all out of the laundry-as in they just came from the dryer. So evidently ss is aware that ds wears them hence the need for them to be laundered. There were also a couple of brand new items in there that he got from their room.

Dh finally says, "Your right. He knew exactly what he was doing" but he said it sarcastically like I was always accusing innocent ss of things. Sigh. Now 2 months later, dh does accept that ss tried to make off with half of ds's wardrobe. In the moment, though, he just very much wants to find excuses for his behaviors.

Please dont let your feelings get hurt. This little girl will never love you in the same way she loves her daddy. That's ok-she should have a special bond with her biological parent-it is not a reflection on you or your stepparenting abilities. She is not doing anything wrong expressing her love for her daddy. That is why it is good to disengage at least a bit. I dont know if you have bio children of your own-but when you do you will see it's just a different sort of relationship. You can love your sd and she CAN love you-but it still will not be a mother/daughter bond-which again is ok-the two of you can have a special unique sort of relationship. But dont try to make it replicate the parent/child bond or you will end up feeling hurt and disappointed and she will likely end up being confused and resentful.