Should I have my kids disengage?
I've noticed on the weeks when SO has his kids, mine are stressed, easily angered, and pretty unpleasant. There is a 7 year difference between his kids and my youngest and 10 year difference with my oldest (his kids are 13 months apart so easier to just lump them as the same age for this).
My kids have both babysat for SO, I refuse to let my youngest do it for all but a quick errand as SO's kids will not listen to him and he doesn't really know how to handle younger kids he's never babysat before and SO did it the first time without my knowledge for 2 hours. My oldest babysits for others all the time and she's great with kids even his. The problem is SO yells at my kids or gets pissy when my kids bring to his attention his breaking rules, breaking toys, hurting each other, getting into or making a mess of my kids things etc especially if they interrupt him playing his video game (I swear I'm changing my wi-fi password when his kids are here). This is causing my kids a lot of stress and negativity towards SO. Well because of this I want to have my kids disengage from his kids, no more responsibility for watching them except my oldest if he pays her, no telling on them to him for their bad behavior or rule breaking and no more telling his kids to stop doing something they shouldn't unless someone will get seriously hurt or they are messing with my kids stuff, from now on they can just tell me what the problem is and not tell his kids to stop or don't or tell him anything and let me handle telling SO, or getting his kids to stop doing something. I won't have my kids things ruined or my house in turmoil, but SO jumps all over my kids for "being bullies to my kids" or "tattling on my kids" and other stupidity.
What do you think and how should I go about doing this?
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Absolutely let them
Absolutely let them disengage, and if the skids are stressing them, give them a "safe word" to let you know, trays what they are doing. My bs13 was given this, and he can now do it with a look. At that point, I know ss8 is overwhelming him and I let him disaappear, and try to ferret SS away from him. SO has learned this to, because SS would drive bs13 crazy. To anger. Like standing outside his door and begging etc.
It has worked for the most part. Bs doesn't get near as agitated, and will actually engage SS on his own, since he's not forced, or expected and since he knows he can back off without repercussions, (as being mean, or ignoring SS, or refusing to play)
It took nearly 3 years for this to start taking effect, and many other issues had to ne dealt with too.
I would NEVER put the responsibility of watching smaller children on my bs. If happened, casually, and it caused nothing but problems. He didn't have authority, and don't have experience dealing with younger siblings. SO was easy to put bs in that position, but he didn't think of the consequences. I actually had to explain it to SO, but he gets it now. He thinks before saying anything like hey, keep an eye on him for me. He ASKS instead of expects, and it has improved the relstionship between my bs and SO also. SO will still ask me, if I mind keeping an eye SS, so he can run to the store, even if it something he's getting for dinner etc. He NOW realizes that ultimately its his child and his responsibility, when at first, he didn't even consider it.
I think it will help you guys to. There older kids should be allowed the option, and given some respect as to whether they are comfortable with it.