sitting home alone

Sitting at DH's parent's house alone. I have nothing to do and nowhere to be. It makes me lonely and sad. It makes me miss my husband even more. So so so very much I could go to the store or something, but it's just a different location for the same feeling of emptiness. Nothing feels right.

BM's SIL has been texting me on and off all day today...I don't really know what to call them anymore. SD isn't technically my SD anymore, I guess. I have no rights to her and her mother doesn't like me. The feeling is definitely mutual there. Poor kid, her life is going to suck.

Anyways, the SIL has been texting me telling me all about the antics that the kid's mom is up to now with her brother's and their daughter. She's been telling me about the horrible living environment all of the kids live in. That she gives them moldy cups to drink out of because she hasn't done dishes in weeks. About what the kid's mom and grandma say about my family. That they should just ignore us all. That the kid doesn't need any of us. It makes me mad and it makes me sad. There is nothing I can do to stop it.

Part of me doesn't want to hear any of this. I don't want to hear about problems that I have no way of fixing. To hear about the horrible life my husband's daughter is going to have to lead. But, part of me doesn't want to loose that connection. The kid is one more link to my husband and I miss him so freaking much. I'm torn. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I miss my husband.

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I went to one counselor

I went to one counselor twice. I didn't like her. She was more concerned with making sure she got paid then anything else. My doctor gave me a list of more counselor's but it looks like none of them take my insurance. I found a support group, but they only meet once a month and their next meeting isn't until Nov 9th.

Do you have a friend you

Do you have a friend you could call to talk or maybe just hang out with, get out of the house?

I agree with DPWB that you should let SIL know that you have enough on your plate right now and that you don't really want to have to process what is going on with BM, SD etc. after all none of that nonsense is your problem.

How about doing some baby stuff? I know you miss your husband and it is such a blessing that you will have this child that will be a piece of him and you.

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, as long as you come here, you're not alone. Someone's always here to listen. ((((Hugs)))))

Out of my "circle" I'm the

Out of my "circle" I'm the only one that doesn't work on Friday's. They don't get the same flexibility as I do in my job, so even if I were to call them, I wouldn't be able to talk to them.

I figured someone would respond to this blog and it would give me something to "do". I appreciate the ladies here very very much.

It's hard for me to do baby stuff. It's hard to do anything most of the time. I have my moments when it's less 'real' and I can function more normally. I ordered the crib and some other stuff online during one of those times. Today is not one of those moments though...

I just did a quick peek at

I just did a quick peek at your previous blogs. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better just that I'm so, so sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences go out to you and your SD.

Ya, nothing to say, just

Ya, nothing to say, just support here!

I'm so sorry for what you're

I'm so sorry for what you're having to deal with & the things you're having to feel. If BM is saying those things about you & your family, she's clearly not human. She has no heart. She has no class. She has no tact.

Your SD may not legally be your SD, but how she feels you in her heart says far more than the law can say. Her feelings for you will outweigh anything her mother has to say about you.

I try to imagine what you must be feeling, but I have never experienced the loss of a husband, muchless under your circumstances. What I imagine, I'm certain, doesn't touch where you are. My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers.

May God bring you peace & comfort, & may you feel your hand in His as He walks beside you to see you through.

Just finished a book. All

Just finished a book. All the other books here are about psychological thrillers, murder and death and all that. I know myself well enough to know that I definitely can't handle that right now.

Started another personal blog away from this site. It does help. Being able to write in it at work or anywhere does help. Sometimes. Sometimes it just doesn't go away.

I'm very sorry for your loss,

I'm very sorry for your loss, I wish I could find the words to make you feel better, my prayers are with you
(((((Hugs)))))

Will try that. Was thinking

Will try that.

Was thinking about taking the dog for a walk. It's raining though. DH and I used to walk dog in the rain...jumping in puddles and trying to soak each other as much as possible along the way. Everything is a reminder.

I'm so sorry (((HUGS))) I

I'm so sorry (((HUGS)))

I agree with everyone else, tell SIL that you have enough on your plate right now. Suggest to her that she take this up w/ your IL's so they can document BM's behavior & try to get some visitation with SD.

We are always here for you.

Oh sweetie. Just cry. Let it

Oh sweetie. Just cry. Let it out and cry if you can.
This helps me when life is cruel. I crochet. I started a rug and kept on going until it was rather large. It wasn't for anyone, just something to do.

Everything is a reminder. It is only a few weeks since your world crashed. Even whrn my ex walked out I saw everything as a reminder of the life I had that he killed. Just accept it as a fact. Every stupid thing reminds you.

But in time, you won't think about him all the time. 5 minutes will go by and then you will feel guilty for not remembering him. It may not happen for a long time or it might happen sooner. Just tell your SIL that right now you need good news and not the misery your baby's half sister will be living in.

I wish I could offer more or a shoulder to cry on.

The journal for SD is a good

The journal for SD is a good idea. Not something i thought of before.

The games are also a good idea. Thank you.

I think writing is a great

I think writing is a great idea, but I'd like to suggest that you start a journal for your baby as well. While feelings are incredibly raw now, when you've had some time to heal a little you should right about your husband. Write down the things that made you fall in love with him, what endearing traits he had, and what he was like in general. Wishes for what you hope your child will inherit from etc... any little thing about their daddy will mean the world to him or her when they are older.

I so wish I lived close by, I'd come sit with you and let you vent or just chit chat. Hugs to you.

The letters to SD is a good

The letters to SD is a good idea. When I miss DH's kids I write letters & I keep them in a binder. I may give them to them one day, & I may never. BM has turned worlds upside down for them, & for us. There is a lot of anger & confusion. There are a lot of one-sided conversations they hear everyday. When I get so angry & feel so hurt, I write about what I feel & why. I write about missing them & loving them, & I write about things that worry me for them.

I have a friend who grew up without her dad. He just walked away when she was 2. I've talked with her about my concerns for DH's kids. She said growing up without her dad she felt so alone all the time. She felt unimportant & small. She was the one who suggested writing the letters, so that one day if the kids came to me with questions, I could give them my letters & they would know that they were never forgotten or shoved out of our thoughts.

Your SD may be comforted by your thoughts one day. You have been a big part of her life. You have been a big part of her father's life, & you likely know things about him...special things about him that only you could share with her. One day, she will want to know those things. To hear her mother speak ill of you, especially at a time like this, is likely a burden on her. She'll need happy thoughts of her dad. She suffered the loss of a parent, & you have suffered the loss of your husband. The two of you are mourning a drastic loss. You may be the one person who can help your SD cope through this. Clearly, BM lacks the ability to do so.

I first want to say that I am

I first want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Before I met my DH, I was engaged to a guy that had a genetic fatal illness. I always knew he would die before me, but nothing ever prepares you for the death of someone you love so much. We were together for two years and he finally lost his battle with the disease and he died at the age of 26. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I've been there and that anytime you wanna talk, you can always PM me. For a while, everything will remind you of him but ever so slowly it will get better-I promise. Really, if you ever wanna talk or get something off your chest or ask me any questions, please feel free too.

In the meantime, I think the journal that Happy Search suggested is a good idea. It might even help you relieve some of the grief you have been feeling. I found that it was theraputic for me to write a letter to my fiance' telling him how I was feeling, just so I could get it off of my chest.

(((((HUGS)))))

I first want to say that I am

(((((HUGS)))))

Hang in there, lady. We're

Hang in there, lady. We're here for you. Taking the time to grieve and feel it all is important, but so is the distraction.

How about suggesting to the

How about suggesting to the ILs that they sue for GrandParents visitation and you peg on to their time? Or sue directly for visitation for your child to spend time with the BigHalfSibs.

I believe that your ILs should be successful in getting GrandParents visitation and you may be successful in getting visitation for your child with the older half sibs.

Hopefully my guy "fix it" suggestion is not too insensitive.

My heart breaks for you. I could not immagine what you are going through. The closest corollary I have is the loss of my younger brother when I was 8 (he was 10mos) But I have had a very long time to deal with it.

Hang in there.

Best regards,

Lastchance - Some therapists

Lastchance - Some therapists will take a reduced rate, if they don't take your insurance. You may want to try calling some of the offices on the list and just asking if they take a sliding scale.

Also, you can ask your doctor for an out-of-network referral. Your co-pay may be more, but you could at least see someone.

And finally, I hope that you are holding up. Exercise, reading, journaling - all of those are really good suggestions. Keeping your mind busy enough so that you don't have time to think. Maybe once you get to the meeting on November 9th, you can even ask some people at the group for therapist recommendations.

Best wishes to you... Stay strong...

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