Need some advice...
Ok. So, I'm so nervous about this. SD13 (we have her FT) got invited to a friend's sleepover this weekend and I told her she could go before I knew the name of the friend (stuipd..).
So, when she gets off the phone with her friend, I ask who it is. She says 'M'. Immediately, I start freaking out on the inside..
I check the sex offender registry in our area pretty frequently (OCD or something, I don't know?).. Anyway.. 'M' has an uncle on this list. Dude also has a kid that's around the same age who will be there. I am freaking the eff out right now.. STILL! DH and I talked to her last night and told her what was up. We let her know that she could still go, but not to EVER be alone, lock the bathroom door, keep her phone in her pocket at ALL TIMES, etc.. I also showed her the pic of this guy so she'd know what he looks like if he shows up and to call me if he did, and that if she ever felt the least bit uncomfortable.. even at 3 in the morning.. CALL ME!!
I really don't want her to go at all. DH doesn't really either, but we don't want to punish SD or 'M' by not letting her go.. it's not her fault her uncle gets off on 14 year olds. Am I being over-protective?
- lexaprotakemeaway's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
The thing is.. M's uncle has
The thing is.. M's uncle has a facebook.. which is where I found some of the info.. and he has pics of him with his kids, and M and her sister as well. That's what scares me the most, I think?
And, I don't know the family. I wasn't raised where we live, and SD was 7 when I came into the picture, so I missed a lot. MIL was taking care of most everything to do with her school, etc.. until she was about 11 (but that's another story for another time).
I won't leave her without going in to meet the parents, see the house, etc.. And I told DH that I still reserve the right to come get her early if I still don't feel OK with it by that point.
Also told her she is expected to answer her phone and texts within 5 mins.. otherwise I'm coming to get her.
i don't think u can be
i don't think u can be overprotective in such a serious subject. i hope the parent of m do not allow the uncle to be there knowing there young girls there. maybe talk to them about it
The thing is.. I don't know
The thing is.. I don't know the family at all. This whole parenting thing is weird to me sometimes anyway because I don't have any kids of my own.
And I can't even go by what was going on when I was that age, because I wasn't a typical 13 year old. My dad had me under lock & key until I went to college. I wasn't even allowed to have friends over, let alone go to their houses. I'm just totally at a loss!
This would be my suggestion.
This would be my suggestion. Danger lurks everywhere in our lives, but why place her in a situation knowing she would be that close?
If you do let her go, I would talk with M's parents first & be certain they are aware of your fears. Be sure they know that she is to be no where near this man.
Thanks guys, I think I will
Thanks guys, I think I will actually mention it to M's mom. If they get pissed, it's their problem!
I told SD that any of her
I told SD that any of her friends are welcome to come over anytime. I'd much rather them be at my house than someone elses. I hate not knowing what's going on.
This one's a birthday sleepover though, and there are several other kids going. I almost told SD that she couldn't go, but that M could come sleepover next weekend. I just hate not letting her go when I know several of her other friends are going.
I'm hoping that when I drop her off and meet M's mom I'll feel a little better about it all. But.. like I said.. I told SD that if I still had the heebee jeebee's about it, she's coming home early. Like it or not. I could never live with myself if something happened to her!
I don't like sleepovers. My
I don't like sleepovers. My BS13 has gone to 5 sleepovers in his lifetime. 3 of the 5 I knew the parents well. The 4th & 5th were birthday parties and I drove him there, met the mom etc..I am very paranoid and do not like not knowing what's going on with my boy. I personally would not your daughter go to that home. I agree with the OP that said you should have the sleepover at YOUR house instead. As a treat, you can take them to breakfast at IHOP the next morning.
I feel the same way. I'm
I feel the same way. I'm definitely going to mention my worries to M's mom and see how that goes. I think I will probably end up going to pick her up early, better safe than sorry.
It was a 14 year old
It was a 14 year old girl...
Offense: - CRIMES FROM OTHER STATES/TERRITORIES/COUNTRIES
Age of Victim: 14
Remarks: MOVE IN OFFENDER FROM OKLAHOMA, ORIGINAL CONVICTION FOR RAPE 1ST DEGREE, LEWD MOLESTATION
1st degree rape convictions
1st degree rape convictions are often very difficult to secure. Do not let your child near this house if that man is allowed there.
That's the one that scares me
That's the one that scares me
. And not only for my SD.. for all the other girls that will be there. I showed SD his picture and told her what he was convicted of, and that if he showed up to call because I'm coming to get her.
AND.. I told her that if I find out he was there and that she didn't call.. she will have NO social life for a VERY long time. And she will have to clean the cat litter box for a VERY long time.
From what I can find online,
From what I can find online, his reception date was in 6/2002 (I think that's the initial date he was jailed on the conviction).. which would have put him at 23 then. He was born in '79.
I know.. it's such a
I know.. it's such a sensitive subject. But also personal to me, as I was molested by my grandfather for years. And I didn't make it up.
This guy's initial sentence was 15 years. He was convicted of 1st degree rape & lewd molestation.
I'd have a long talk w/my
I'd have a long talk w/my child about my concerns then I'd have a talk with the friend's parents as confused68 said. Make sure this is not some high school teenage boy antic the uncle has been accused of 20-odd years ago. If the parents cannot give you a satisfactory explanation or you still feel your child is unsafe, then the child should not be going.
My other question is do you tell the other parents?
I have no idea whether to
I have no idea whether to tell the other parents.. I mean, it's not M's dad or anyone who lives in her house, so I don't want to get rumers started. It's a really small town and I'm pretty sure most people know about it. We will probably end up letting her go, but I'm still unsure about the spending the night thing. Unless something changes that makes me feel comfortable with it after I talk to M's mom, SD will be coming home by 8pm.
I would call her parents and
I would call her parents and say, "Hi M's Mom, I am calling concerning the sleepover. I am aware that M's Uncle is listed as a sex offender and SD really wants to stay over but I would like to make sure that he will not be attending the party before I allow my SD to spend the night". That is a completely reasonable request. That's what parents do, or should be doing.
My guess is that he may not even be allowed to be around children, and in that case, if her parents aren't total idiots...I would think they would not be allowing him at the party. Even if they know the details of his crime and are not concerned for their own children, they shouldn't be putting the uncle at risk of going against his parole by being around kids.
I would do as you have done and have a long talk with SD about what he did, and that he shouldn't be there and if he shows up to call you immediately.
If her parents get mad, which would be ridiculous...and tell you he will be there, then I would reconsider letting her go. At that point I would let other parents know. If they assure you he won't be there, I wouldn't call any other parents.
Unfortunately there are sex offenders and creeps everywhere in life, and teaching her good skills to stay safe and know good boundaries and what's right/wrong will help her much more than just trying to shelter her.
Good job on being involved parents who are pro-active with their kids!
Thank you so much, this is
Thank you so much, this is kinda what I was hoping to hear. Like I said.. I don't have kids of my own, but I do try to be a good SM to SD. I just sometimes don't know where the fears and concerns from my own experiences cross the line when it comes to raising her. The friends she has been hanging out with lately are kind of, for lack of a better word, trashy. I don't want her hanging out with them, but I don't want to just come right out and tell her she can't be friends with them. As long as they are coming to my house, I don't mind her hanging out with them. But when she goes to their house, I have no idea what's going on and it scares the shit out of me. SD is pretty naive for a 13 year old, and I don't want these girls getting her into situations she's uncomfortable with. I've talked to her about not doing anything she doesn't feel ok with, and I think she gets it, but peer pressure is such a strong force.
Ugh.. this is rambling now. I'm just worried about her.
I don't have my own kids yet
I don't have my own kids yet either but that's what I would do if I were you.
When I was a kid, my parents let our house be the "hang out house" for that very reason. They almost never said no to friends spending the night or coming over so they knew we were safe in their house. They would rent movies, buy snacks, plan things so all the kids would WANT to be at our house. If my parents didn't trust certain friends of ours or their parents, they would make the rule that we were only allowed to hang out at our house with those friends, not theirs. If you notice your SD getting into any trouble with her questionable friends, rather than try and end the friendship (which won't happen anyway), just have them hang out at your place.
That's exactly what I'm
That's exactly what I'm thinking. This will be the last time SD goes to M's house.. ever. M and all the rest of SD's friends are more than welcome at our house anytime. I even made her a hang out spot in our basement/garage. There's a couch, some chairs, pool table, etc.. Of course, I do drop in unannounced, lol.. and the door always has to be open. We've had several talks about sex and all, and I think she would feel pretty comfortable coming to me to ask anything. I think we have a pretty good relationship, so far... I know that will probably change over the next few years, but I've always tried to be very open and realistic about things.