Have been MIA for a while. Just havent had a lot of time this past year so far to blog like I used to. Anyway, kind of jumping off of Morning Mia's blog..saying I am marking one year since I have been blocked on SD on social media. Ironically, she did so on the brink of Mothers Day too and went off ( the last time a single word in general has been personally exchanged between us) practically in the same stretch of conversation AFTER she was gushing about things she allegedly "admires" about me, and wants to "have" her SM and its not fair that she cant....ONLY to turn around in  a flash and disrespect me almost like she didnt really mean all those praises she was singing. Then wonders why I cant see her much else as just a big fat Phony..and why her cutting me off is something that I am celebrating more than Moms Day TBH.

Speaking of phony, I am of mind to just block social media for a day or two altogether..not just related to being triggered on Moms day with all the over the top gushing which might also very well be fake. This morning, already came across one humble bragging about how one classmate of mine remarried a woman all waxing poetic about how she is like the perfect Uber stepmom to his young kids and has always shown then unconditional love , how what a perfectly good sport she is about co parenting with an also problematic Baby Mama/ Ex Wife, how she always puts the stepkids first, dropping every at any time at the drop of a hat whenever they need her and putting her own self and feelings aside all the time just to be there for them and make life easier for them..blah blah blah.. Coinciding with a post made by the new wife repeating the same sentimient...going on like a mini novel practically over it. 

I dont say this meaning to come off as resentful or bitter..and not meaning to shit on the parades of anyone ( like Rags) who have enjoyed sucess stories in Stepparenthood. I think thats great and all, but even ones who found that Unicorn have to acknowledge that this is the exception more often that then norm, which from here, I have learned is also more of the reality. 

So, in that aspect, I am just pointing out that reality and not intentially dumping on others just because being a SM didnt work out as as mostly rainbows and sunshine like these facebook posts spew, so I am just feeling insecure because I feel like i fell short and to be found as severly lacking becaus im a selfish POS.

Yeah, well, there a time when I tried to be this Stepford SM and wife type, prioritizing SD;s needs, trying to please and cater to her over my own feelings and comfort...and look where it got me?  Ive been driven to the point  where I feel more like I over extended myself which turned out to be a waste of time. Why did I bend over backwards to also make life easier and more comfortable for someone, only for her to turn on me as an adult spewing at me that I never accepted her so she wishes for me to pretend she doesnt even exist, after all my well intentioned efforts never even happened. Ask me how thats all worked out for me and how rewarding thats supposed to be. 

Granted my old classmates kids are young boys around 9 and got remarried when they were about 5, per Super New Wife's post and his. When i catch myself feeling even the slightest bit guilty because I am not like this woman..I tell myself that I know that boys arent necessarily easier for Stepmothers, but from here it seems like on average, issues with blending seem more prevelant between SM and SD's, which is not news to me. 

Secondly, I have asked myself once more, if things between SD and I would have turned out differently if I had arrived on the scene when she was a young child instead of being on the cusp of turning 13.  I have heard accounts from MIL that SD typically had especially constant trust and anger issues amongst other emotional and behavior challenges in regards to managing it, which still stands at 30. I know little kids and teens lash out irriationally...I can vouch for myself, but SD's turned out to be next level. I say that since it followed her into adulthood, whereas most logical people learn to regulate all that shit by the time they reach her age at least.  Knowing all this, I remind myslef that it most likely have not been so different even I had been introduced in her life is she were 5 years old give or take. I see that now , fast forward to the present, where the outcome would still be the same no matter how hard I tried to "fix" things for her...some things are so broken that they are beyond repair and beyond my capabilities or control. 

I saw for myself in the early years, which is coming out to me now as described before about how she must not have appreciated a damn thing to throw in my face how I never even tried with her, how I am denying her love and kindness which she deserves. Its clear to me even more now that I could have given her all the love and everything good this world has to over..and it would never be live up to her satisfaction. I akin in to running on a treadmill..or any repetitive activity where you just keep pushing but just never get anywhere. Just running in circles. 

And lastly, i have to remind myself, as i have many times, that on Fakebook ( ive called it that for a reason) most of the time, people are just sharing the highlights, all the feel good, rainbow and unicorn stories and nothing about what goes on behind the curtain.  We all know not to take it so seriously as to compare ourselves and our lives to those posts, which are just presenting the positive stuff to the world, so its kind of an illusion as people just like front and stunt on there all the time as we all are aware of. 

So , summing the point of this whole blog, is that even though I felt slightly like a failed SM and a person for a minute or two when i see these declarations , like i shoudl feel guilty..but brushed it off and went on with my day better than I would have years ago when I would have been dwelling on those feelings way too much. ..and being far too hard on myself. In turn, I am feeling less inadequate for being childree, disengaged SM even in the thick of Mothers Day weekend and all that entails,,as in feeling less hurt about my SD not going out of my way to give any recognizition, which has also been inconsistent if not mostly absent, for years before she tried to suck up to me then ghost me in a matter of minutes. Actually, I feel its a cause of celebration in and of itself to be ignored by someone like her anyway at this point, so it feels more like a victory for me whereas it used to be feel like a major loss. 

So if I am not on tomorrow, have a happy Mothers Day to all...including the fellow Pet Moms like yours truly!  and dont let the stephell drama if you have any, get you down.