Want to disengage, feeling guilty... advice needed.
I want to disengage from my step kids, they are 10, 8 and 6. The problem is my DH is a loving husband and gives me a lot of freedom, always supports me... we are a family. I don't have problems with him giving in to the kids etc. The problem is we have 1 son together and another on the way. His kids from the first marriage are extremely loving to my son and they have no issues with me... IT IS ME WHO HAS ISSUES WITH THEM.
Their behavior is what I can't stand and I feel guilty for feeling this way because DH is so loving and it doesn't feel right me "ignoring" his kids now that he is having a hard time. We are trying to deal with the kids BUT sometimes I feel hopeless and trapped.
The kids are disrespectful at times, loud, fight all day, one is a bully to the other, screaming, clingy to both myself and overwhelming with their dad, dependent as hell. You actually have to help them SEE sometimes because they are so lazy to look for things that are in front of them. Whining, ungrateful, not focused and feel entitled, lack basic manners (one can't even bring himself to say sorry to people), can't handle their emotions always stomping, hitting etc,.. I mean the list just goes on and on..
MY PROBLEM is that I am training my son to be the opposite and when they are here, they UNDO a lot of the work and I feel helpless in my own house. I want them OUT. I plan on homeschooling him for the first 5 years and really focused on his needs, now when they come here, the environment is chaotic for the few hours for dinner on weekdays and weekends and my son absorbs a lot of this crap. They train him to say bad words when you allow them to play together (not curse words) and it drives me CRAZY. And 3 months ago, my son broke his leg because his brother got up in his space and instead of paying attention to what he was doing, got behind him on a slide, didnt see his leg was not straight out and broke it... and his response "IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I AM A KID"..... yes I was right there and the moment I noticed, I started shouting for him to my son go but I am pregnant and was not as fast and 3 secs later, my son is at the bottom crying... SO GUILTY
It's not that they don't know but refuse to do it, it is because they are not being trained PROPERLY and I don't feel it's my responsbility to take on 3 kids who are already molded. I am 28 years old (DH is 15 years older) and I don't want this kind of burden when they have a healthy mother and father, both parents have Masters, good people, so not dealing with uneducated or trash here, mother is even a teacher. I work and have my own business and love my life when they are not here.
My dislike for them makes me think I am bring bad karma on myself and kids and the guilt of not loving them is killing me and I feel I am not treating DH fairly. What if it was me and my kids were like this? I mean I don't know how they will turn out but because of what I see, I am so DETERMINED to be a good parent and instill the right values, but these kids are causing a lot of anxiety, isolation on my end. I lock myself in my room so as to AVOID them in my own house.
When I first met them, I was loving and affectionate, over time, I have withdrawn.. I don't even say hello when they enter the car or home and my behavior has changed their behavior as well, they no longer do it, because they are afraid I will not reciporcate. DH says it kills him inside that his family interacts like that now and tries desperately to get us to be loving, but I can't let up.
What if I disengage now, how will this affect my future with the kids??? I don't want to have a hateful relationship at ALL.... and if I do this, it will be triggered by me not them. BUT on the flip side, if I don't... I HATE MY LIFE dealing with them.
HELP!!!!
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Yup, for the past 2 years I
Yup, for the past 2 years I have been communicating this to him,. Most likely he had guilty daddy syndrome. But now he is trying to be firm because it is that critical. The problem is I am over it and that is what is bothering me. He is now actively trying and I have developed anxiety issues, just hearing they are coming, gets me really tense and anxious, problems I have not had before.
I work from home full time,
I work from home full time, my job allows it since i had my son and I have a side business that is not full-time but bring in some extra cash. I do have help for the house but not a babysitter for my son. I take care of him and all his routines and activities.
True, but this is beyond out of control. We sometimes get scolded at restaurants and other public places because of how loud it is and out of control, kids are under the table, can't sit down, time out doesn't work and this is just for 2 hours when we have dinner with them. For the past year, we no longer go out because kids have not demonstrated at our own table they can behave properly and as a step parent, I try everytime, eat with your mouth close, sit down, ask for permission to leave, but then they leave and come back 2 days later acting the same way. It's ongoing to give an example.
No, I have not BUT I have thought about it. I am not opposed.
No, I am expecting him to control 3 minor kids with the help of his ex. I have a lot on my plate with raising my own son and unborn child and still maintainig my independence (my business, work and family). The kids' behavior I feel should be a responsibility of their parents. For example, I don't whine about "TIME" when he has to attend to the kids' needs. All his vacation time is surrounding the kids, its never just us which I completely understand but with those behaviors I am not comfortable in my own home. I feel I am extremely generous as well as i have been dealing with this for 3 years and things are not getting better and now that my son is here, I feel more protective to do something about it but that means giving them more time, which actually takes away from my kids. For example, when my son broke his leg it was because I was trying to break something up between the other two.
We live together, no need for
We live together, no need for CS. He is a good provider. Spends time with his family, even cooks dinner every night. We have a good support family system and financially sound so homeschooling is very possible I am thinking and so far has been very productive. I like the progress I see in my son - learning 2 languages effortlessly and learning basic manners
that is for now.
However, its his kids from the previous marriage that I can't get a handle of and well he wants to move closer to them which means MORE TIME spent. And I am thinking under the current circumstances how will I cope.
Thanks so much, it was a really hard period for me to see my son like that.
Your husband is not doing
Your husband is not doing right by his kids - he is probably like most non custodial dads, he feels guilty and this leads him to be overly lenient with bad behaviour thinking that this is being "kind" to his kids, when it is anything but. Kids need boundaries, and he is not giving them to them.
Try explaining to him that he is not giving his kids the tools they will need to become successful, responsible, sociable and likeable adults. It is not too late for him to start doing this, but it will be if he leaves it any longer.
I would suggest you get one of the many good books on parenting such as the "Supernanny" range, and read it together. If your husband is unwilling to do this, then and only then would I suggest you disengage. It would be better if you two could implement strategies together to try and tackle the SKIDs behaviour.
I just sent him an email. I
I just sent him an email. I 100% agree that we need to work together and he needs to know exactly how this is affecting me. We have tried many different things but the progress is minimal and reverted because they do not live with us. So I am hopeless on what else can work. He refuses to co-parent with BM because any communication with her means an set of problems I have worked very hard at curbing. But to tell you the truth, I am so exhausted that I have suggested it, that he meets with her and they come up with common rules for the kids. He is reluctant because she TRIES to get involved in our lives in very unhealthy ways.
Thank you so much for your suggestion. Seems more rational than just disengaging.
Now you got my head spinning
Now you got my head spinning with ideas LOL. Maybe a short term solution is that he plans what he doing with the kids instead of having them come here for dinner twice a week. Can't help the weekends but it would reduce the stress so much. I really dislike them here on the weekdays, extremely chaotic and leaves my house in a mess after it was spotless when they arrived. They use things and just drops it right there, point blank on the floor.. so irritating. Do not offer to help or clean up after themselves, got to tell them 5-6 times just so they can pick up their towels from the bathroom because I refuse to do it anymore.
No I am not saying they are
No I am not saying they are not welcome either, I was just saying that instead of us always being crammed into being together for dinner and a mess maybe he should plan different activities. Maybe being indoors so much triggers them to get wired and then all hell breaks lose. Maybe we could try some activity before that could wind them down it would help and reduce stress. We asked the mother yesterday to stop giving them sweets and candy right before we pick them up. She does that religiously, loads them up with candy. Youngest had to get his tooth extracted because of a cavity that had it been a permanent tooth, would have required a root canal.
Wow. Lots going on here.
Wow. Lots going on here. First up, if you don't even speak to the kids when they get in the car or enter your home, why do you sit at the table and harp at them on chewing food? They can't be invisible one minute and suddenly seen. You can't expect them to respect you if the only time you acknowledge them is when they are misbehaving...they'll see you as nothing more than the nag who happened to sit down at the same table they did.
If you're going to discipline and try to 'teach' these kids, you have to be consistent with them. You either interact with the kids, or you don't.
Why are you picking up the skids messes? Why is Dh expecting his kids to make messes and for the messes to remain until they leave and you clean it all up? I'm going to assume BM's home is ran where she cleans up after the kids and kids have never been expected to take any responsibility for their messes. It's very hard for kids to go from one expected environment to a different one as it is, but if no one in the second house has any expectations of self responsibilities (picking up after themselves, not running and screaming in house ect) on the children either, how is kid ever going to learn and accept that responsibilities and behavior guidelines are not optional in your home.
Where you need to disengage is doing things for these kids that kid doesn't want to do, dad expects you to do and so far you willingly accept as 'your duty'. The kids should be picking up after themselves as the weekend goes back (ex: put stuff away before next something is gotten out, clean up bath towels before leaving bathroom). If that's not happening and dad is expecting them to, then DH gets to do it when all by himself when they do leave. You're not the d*mn maid service. Being these are not habits and poor behavior you desire your little one to learn and follow (being a lazy little pig with no expectations), it seems that the stepping up must be done by Dad during the visit and not wait until they leave.
So sit that hubby of yours down before the next weekend visit and set house rules. Rule #1 on that list for me would be Dad spends time with his children at park (or wherever doing whatever), parent to children time. Whether it's at the park running off energy , going to a movie the 4 of them (a movie because kids will have no choice but sit still and shut up and is good practice place to do so)...whatever it is, Dad spends some quality father/kid time. Call it Daddy Duty Morning (or afternoon). And yes, you can start sending your little one on these too as soon as dad has done the 'duty' enough times he has his kids under control. Until Dad has that harmony outing thing going on, keep your child at home with you and child/you do something or just spent quiet enjoyable time together.
Next up on rule list, everything kids don't currently do that they should be (picking up, acting civilized). You know these kids don't run and scream in the classroom at school. They can control themselves they just haven't been made too in their homes. After setting rules DH/you decide what consequences which violation will result in. It's not too late to turn these kids around. Especially the 6 and 8yr old. The tougher job will be the 10yr old. You're Dh is young 40 something, he's not a young new papa that hasn't quite figured life out yet...he's got no excuse for not parenting his children and he has no business to continue creating more if he isn't going to parent/teach/ and guide the ones he already has. Everything you posted in your OP I saw as a DH/father parenting issue. Not bad children that no to be banned from home. I don't think you need to disengage from the children , so to say, it's your husband and all you do for him and instead of him that needs to change.
Your point about not speaking
Your point about not speaking to them was not really a conscious effort on my part, what happened is that the majority of the time, when they entered the car, it was screaming, pushing etc. When they enter into the house, it was screaming, walking into the room, slamming the doors because they got in trouble while being picked up from their moms... basically chaos the moment they open ANY DOOR to our house. This is essentially why this happened and it was so frequent that it became the norm even now when nothing happens. BUT you are right, I need to make an effort to bring that back.. I am the adult and have to remember they are kids and it's up to me to always ensure that affection is there, not coldness. Thank you for pointing that out, I never really thought about why this was happening and how to change it. Now that I have zeroed in on the source, it should be EASIER.