Pregnant, alone, and BM wants to visit?!
So I'm pregnant, and have to be very careful because I'm old, and I've lost a baby before. And SO had to leave on an extended trip out of the country.
SO told SS16 to keep an eye on things with me for him, hoping SS would show more responsibility than he has been lately. (SS lives less than half a mile from here with BM.)
Today, SS was supposed to come shovel the snow. He took all day to tell me whether he was coming, finally said yes, and then hadn't showed an hour and a half later as dark was falling.
I told him to forget it, I'll make some other arrangement. So he texts me "oh, I'll do it tomorrow, and BM wants to come with me and visit with you because of SO." I text back that that's out of the question and he should make sure she doesn't try to come here, and I'll take care of the snow. (There has been less hostility lately but there is a long history of crap, and I am here alone and pregnant. No way is she coming here. And if he can't bother to come when he said, I don't need him to do the snow.)
Several texts go back and forth, the gist of which is "oh, I told her not to but what can I do, woe is me?"
I called SO, out of the country, who called BM and told her stay away or I'll call the police.
SO just emailed me that SS wants to come and get some ID that he still has here in the house tomorrow. He says just call the cops if there is a problem, and he doesn't think BM will try to come around here.
This is the email I just wrote to SS. (BTW, the DYFS thing - he got in a fight at school, didn't tell anyone at school, so when he showed up beat up the next day, they thought his mother did it and called DYFS.)
Harsh, but I have to have my priorities very clear...
SS,
If you are planning to come over here, please let me know ahead of time when you are going to come so that I can plan my day.
What I need right now is for things to be smooth and predictable. This afternoon you said you would be here and then you didn't show up before dark. So I am sitting around here waiting for you to show up and you don't show up. That is not pleasant, it is stressful. And it is very important that I not be under stress right now.
Then you tell me that BM wants to come up here with you. Of course that's just out of the question. And honestly if you have a problem with her you need to go to SO about it - you should know at this point that you shouldn't be telling me. I can't stand in for him, and I can't get involved. Again, I can't have that kind of stress.
The bottom line is that if it's not possible for you to make sure that whatever drama you have doesn't spill over onto me, then it is not good for me to associate with you at this time. I'm not trying to be harsh. That is simply the way it is. You are going to have to handle your business without any assistance from me right now.
I was very disappointed to hear that you got in a fight, and then you handled it in such a way as to get DYFS called on your mother. It doesn't seem like too much to ask that you stay out of trouble right now, when your father is in the middle of something very difficult. At the very least you could handle things so that you don't get further attention from the authorities. What did you think would happen if you walked into school with your face screwed up and no explanation? Now you're going to have to deal with the consequences of that. And again, I can't at this time be available to get involved with an issue like that. And your father isn't here.
You really need to start understanding that most of the time, what you need to do is keep quiet and do the right thing, no matter whether you like it and no matter how you feel about it. You keep having trouble because you think if you don't like something, that you have to react and cause an issue. You get annoyed and aggressive and get in people's faces or mock them - whether your mother, the kid you fought with, your teacher who wants accents to be correct, whatever it is. If you don't like what they do, you're not able to deal with it without a problem.
In the adult world, you do what you have to do, whether or not you like it. Unpleasantness is part of life for everyone - nobody gets away with all privilege and no work. You don't cause a blowup every time you feel unpleasant.
Until you learn that, you're going to keep having problems and you're not going to become an adult.
I'm still disappointed in your choices.
LG65
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So why does BM want to come
So why does BM want to come over? I'm a little confused... Are you on good terms with her?
So why does BM want to come
So why does BM want to come over? I'm a little confused... Are you on good terms with her?
Nope, not on good terms at
Nope, not on good terms at all. I don't know why she wants to come over. We literally don't speak the same language - although my Spanish is getting better than her English is!
Apparently they got the message because they didn't show up and I haven't heard anything from SS either. It's too bad SS can't figure out how to stay in touch with me without riling up his mother, but if he can't then I guess I won't see him either. Not much I can do about it.
L
Idk your bm history but she
Idk your bm history but she was probably trying to be nice since SO is gone. Maybe just check to see if you needed anything. I know my bm and I never talk. But each pregnancy she has shown some niceness. There's just somehing about pregnancies that bring out the good in even bad women. Just sayin'. Of course I don't blame you at all for not wanting her over. I agree with you there! How awkward and weird, even if she was trying to be sincere and nice. Although I completely agree with you I just wanted to say that maybe she had no motive, so I wouldn't worry anymore about it. Also, I'd have dh tell ss to stay away unless he is going to help. He sounds more of nuisance!
She doesn't know I'm pregnant
She doesn't know I'm pregnant and we don't want her to find out. She found out we were trying and freaked out all over SO, and I suddenly got anonymous emails making nasty accusations against him and saying I should leave him (I ignored them). He has had two temporary restraining orders against her because she's a nut. Part of the problem is that she acts perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden she goes totally psycho. She has a repeated history of being emotionally volatile and that's the last thing I need right now. She's pissed off that SO left and she has to take care of SS, and she's struggling to make ends meet, while I have a good job and a nice place to live. Even if her intentions towards me were to start out positive, it's sure to only end badly - it always has in the past.
I don't know what's actually happened with them over the past several days. The last snowstorm was last Friday, and last night it snowed another foot. SS hasn't even emailed to see if I'm ok. Could be because he's pissed about the email I wrote him, could be because he's just irresponsible, or it could be because he got carted off by DYFS. I'm going to ask SO later if he's heard anything.
Luckily I have some very good neighbors keeping an eye on me, with a young son who is able to do the digging out.
Funny how you never know who will be there when you truly do need support. I'm lucky in a lot of ways.
L
Ok, I'm not trying to be a
Ok, I'm not trying to be a brat, just being honest here with some questions...
You said: "So I am sitting around here waiting for you to show up and you don't show up. That is not pleasant, it is stressful. And it is very important that I not be under stress right now."
If SS and BM have no idea you're pregnant and you sent SS that email about how you musn't be stressed by him or BM, need his help to shovel, etc. I would think that you were a bit of a loon.
And why do you need to be informed of exactly when SS will come and shovel? Leave the shovel outside and he can do it when he gets to it. You make is sound like you spent the whole day waiting, staring at the door wondering if SS would show up or not.
Sorry, I might be a little ticked off if I were SS and BM, you're basically telling SS that you can not be associating with him right now because he might stress you, but you expect him to come and shovel for you and "check in" on you? You can't have it both ways.
SS knows. BM does not know.
SS knows. BM does not know. She knows we were trying. She probably assumes that it didn't work, since SO left. She probably figures he wouldn't leave me alone if I were.
SS knows his mother is volatile and SS is 16.5 years old. He does not tell her everything. Yes, it's always possible he may have told her by now. I'd put the odds at about 80/20 that he hasn't told her. Because if his father finds out he told her, his father will be furious. And SS respects his father more than his mother. And SS knows his mother would go crazy, and SS doesn't want that.
SS would tell BM he wants to visit because he was custodial with us from age 10 to age 16 and I was his primary parental figure for all that time (he saw BM approximately once a month or less and no overnights), and we have a pool table in the basement. And because I might need some lifting done or something. BM would normally not care since it means she wouldn't have to feed or supervise him. Why the sudden interest in coming along with him to talk to me, I have no idea. She never cared before as long as we took him and she had her weekends free.
And yes, I did wait around all day not knowing whether he was coming or not and he did not show up or call by dark. I don't see how I'm being unreasonable by having an issue with that. It's plain old rude to say you'll help out and then not show and not call.
SO will probably not be back until next fall. Probably after the baby is born. So I will be alone for my entire pregnancy and deliver without him. That's not quite the same as a husband who "travels a lot" but comes back in between trips. If there's something around here that needs to be done and I'm not able to do it, I'm going to need help. I can't just wait until SO gets back from his next trip. He won't be back for a long time.
If SS is not available, then I have other options and I've been using those. Since SS is family and lives a half mile down the road and is of a reasonable age, his *father* *requested* that while he had to take this extended trip, his son check in and look after his woman, out of respect for his father.
Having raised the child and made him my #1 priority for six years it makes me sad that he can't even email, even if he can't visit without riling up his mother.
And to be clear, I never told SS I didn't want *him* to come around. However if he's not able to come up here without her giving him a hard time, then the best thing is for him not to come. That's unfortunate, and it's not his fault. I don't hold that against SS at all. But he could still keep in touch. And it seems he isn't interested.
I guess it's wrong to expect anything of a skid at any point, although we give them the world. Silly me.
L