Latest regarding divorce
Yesterday when Husband could not get into the business account he got suspicious. (I had to change the PW last week and forgot to tell him) when he panicked he went to my closet and found my stuff gone. He called last night and I admitted everything. Of course my excuses seemed trivial to him. He could not believe that I could leave such a WONDERFUL man like him over a few little lies about his "crazy' daughter. #1 your daughter may be crazy but she is not your basic harmless nut job. This woman is EVIL and toxic and you, my man, are a puppet to her. #2 Lack of trust in a marriage is a serious problem. No matter how many times I had to bring back the subject to his lying about hiring her and blaming his operations officer, his reply?,,,, "Well then go ahead a file the papers!" He truly DOES NOT believe that those lies are a big deal! It is all ME,, my fault, I simply don't want to be married. I have issues, I cant this or that....My fault, MY FAULT blah blah as usual! There was a point in the conversation that I believed him. I thought...yes it now does seem trivial after waiting for 4 months to do anything about it! I was not leaving mad afterall...I was leaving demoralized and disheartened and there was no getting through to him... He is perfect. He said, I will call her right now and tell her I never want to see her again, she is on her own... Well how does this fix everything? She will dump him and it will be on MY conscience forever! NO I said, that wont fix this. Then he goes on to blame HER! "She ruined my marriage!" No, I said, SHE did not ruin your marriage YOU did that! He said how WE decided the new owners would handle it, I said No WE did not decide that, and I went on to tell him how little I thought of him for passing the buck to the owners for a problem HE should have handled and again he goes into his victim mode with "well then lets just end this thing" So that is where we are. I know he was up until 2. Probably talking with anyone who will listen. That is his MO, he will call to talk to whoever will give him the feedback he wants to hear. Anyway, that is the latest. He is up now and at his desk and seems totally fine. Maybe the calm before the storm. Sure wish he found out on a Monday when his mind will be occupied with work but there I go again...always worrying about HIM!
- looloo's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This argument is an example
This argument is an example of why you need to follow through with leaving. Nothing is going to change. He is never going to take responsibility for his actions and the harm it causes to you and your marriage. He's just going to gaslight and manipulate you into staying.
It will NEVER be his fault
Accept it. I’m not saying accept that as the truth, accept that as HIS truth. After all, this is the whole reason why you’re throwing in the towel. But the most important thing to remember is it doesn’t matter what he thinks. It’s not your job to make him see the errors of his ways. Whether he sees them down the track or not is his own personal journey from here on out. You’re putting yourself as your own priority now. Time to take care of you.
At least it's all out in the open!!
Of course in his mind he's right...that does not make him right but it's SOP for people like this. And he'll use everything in his arsenal...calling people, trying to rally his troops...don't let it throw ya. Your leaving means he's lost his biggest supporter so now he needs validation. And don't be surprised if he finds a new supporter. Some poor soul who will feel sorry for him and just want to fix it all.
He's already using everything he's got against you. He'll minimize and trivialize, try to negotiate, make empty promises, argue, lie, deny, twist it all around, manipulate and gaslight.
You can't win an argument with someone like this. He will not have an epiphany or life changing light bulb moment.
We all live based on our perceptions of things. But as we both realized the men we were supposed to be sharing a life with have a very one sided, warped perception of everything. And they want us to fall in line with their view. They cannot see anything beyond achieving their own goals, getting what they need. For them being in control of us and our reality is vital to them but it destroys us emotionally.
No matter what he tells anyone else, no matter what he thinks or tries to do....you know you needed out. So what if it took 4 months??? So what that you didn't storm out when all that happened??? He doesn't have to get it, no one else has to understand. You know how you have felt, you know what being married to him has done to you.
He knows you've left, let all contact be thru the lawyer. Don't take his calls, don't text back and forth. Cut him off. Text him once with your lawyers name and number, tell him all contact will be thru attorneys from now on and then block him and SD both.
Leaving is so hard. Its takes time to get out. Once we do tho we have to let go too. Let him and SD go, cut them off, and focus on you!!
I'm so glad you got away. Get
I'm so glad you got away. Get ready because this will turn ugly. Just use your lawyers if it does. We're behind you!
Please contact your banker so
Please contact your banker so that s/he is aware that any movement of funds is suspicious and that s/he needs to let you know.
What, if anything, does this
What, if anything, does this do to your business sale? Do you have an escrow or something set up to direct your share of the proceeds to your personal account?
upsetting development
I watched what little my granny cam picked up. It doesn't always give me good audio but amazingly, I got enough. My son-in-law threw me under the bus today! I overheard him telling H that he agreed with him that what happened wasn't a big deal but urged him to acknowledge and apologize anyway. So is that what he thinks? How big does a lie have to be before it qualifies? I can not believe how much he minimized my problem. They both said that the "gaslighting" is H telling me this wasnt a big deal! That is NOT the gaslighting that he used on me! He called me a conspiracy theorist and he blamed our operations officer for the idea to hire is SD!! Then he called me crazy! He accused me of another man! THAT is GASLIGHTING my dear son-in-law! Now what do I say to my daughter who is firmly in my camp? Do I tell her what a turncoat her husband is? Do I tell her he condones lying if it justifies the man's needs? I am very disappointed in him. I don't know how I will face him again.
Yea...just apologize...tell them what they want to hear and then lets put it behind us! Thanks dude!
Well that explains loads
Well that explains loads about why your son in law adored your H so much. Completely up to you how far you want to take it but I'd say for now keep your eyes on the target: wrapping up all the loose threads of your life with H and giving them a firm snip. Is it important for you to tell your daughter what a turncoat her husband is? How would it affect you/her to let her know how you obtained that information? Possible fallout of nannycam spying? How familiar is your daughter with terms like gaslighting and narcissism for her to even understand where you're coming from? If you unload everything on her about the turncoat she could end up resenting you for destroying her marriage unlike if she reached that discovery about her husband on her own. The truth will out itself in time. You can always be polite on the surface to your snake-in-the-grass son in law and just leave it at that. I know you're definitely capable - SD has given you plenty of practise...
I wouldn't tell my daughter
I wouldn't tell my daughter as I don't think it will change anything and they will probably hunker down on their narrative of the situation. I would however insure that anything I left to my daughter were set up in a way he would never be able to access were she to pass away (bc I'm petty). If my daughter were to ask me why I would tell her the truth.
message to your daughter...ideas
maybe a message like, 'I had to leave the marraige due to circumstances that put our marriage in a place where it could not be repaired.' I don't know....just an idea that doesn't get bogged down in details for everyone else to interpret or have opinions about. I would refrain from mentioning anyones names.
You do not need to explain anything to anyone other than your lawyer and your therapist where your discussions will remain confidential.
Hugs
I'm so confused, is it your
I'm so confused, is it your husband or your son-in-law you are breaking up with? I think I read this all wrong but I can't put it together.
Blocked and served
Today is the day I finally blocked him and he will be served today! He did his usual triangulation with SD34. Now she is mad at,,,you guessed it,...ME! I am the bad guy! Not him for creating this whole mess! And isnt he my prince in shining armour as he texts me today "I chose YOU over her" What/??? You chose me/?? You mean you chose your wife? To do what exactly? Wipe the spittal from you chin when you get old and slobbery? Thanks a heap! Wow, arent I lucky? You chose me over your brat beast daughter who treats you like dirt and uses you for money! Like he is doing me a favor! I almost hurled! What kind of an idiot writes that! It is such the perfect triangulation! He is SOOO important and I should be so grateful, he chose me! Wow...
match.com
It just goes to show ya, a guy can not be that broken up about his wife he is already has a match.com profile. I think he was served his papers today and off he went to look for a recent photo. Oh well....good luck to the next poor soul who shows interest!