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So be it.

loveandfitness's picture

Submitted by loveandfitness on Mon, 07/10/2017 - 5:13pm

So maybe I'm the evil step mother. So be it.
I'm sorry, there's just no way that I will ever feel the same way for SS that I do for our own children. I've never liked him. He's awful. He wears my patience thin and sends my anxiety to sky high levels. I don't appreciate thieves, liars, bullies or people who stare at me. He happens to fit the bill for all those things most days.
He's only a child you say. Yes. But not mine, and apparently above my rules. I treat him the same way I'd treat anyone else's child. I'm polite andI leave the discipline to DH because heaven forbid I treat him the same way I treat my children because when I do apparently I'm being too hard on him.
Perhaps he's not as bad when he's at home. Who knows. I really do hope this is the case, otherwise I can see his future behind bars.

What I do know is that now that he is gone it's like the air is lighter. My husband even admitted that as much as he loves him, it's stressful to have him here for such long periods of time, especially since he continues to be brainwashed by BM. Doubt he'll remember that during the next long visit.
But now,
The atmosphere is calm, I don't have to have constant eyes on children, and I can get work done.

This awful person is feeling peaceful.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 07/10/2017 - 5:23pm

I don't think what you are feeling is totally unnatural. I guess my best advice to help you get through things is to try to have some empathy for the situation that the SS is going through as well. It's not easy being made to flip back and forth.. possibly with adults trying to put down your other parent and household. Also at 12 not having fully formed "adult mentality and judgement".. so it's awkward for him too.

So, while I truly understand the relative chaos that occurs with a 2nd child in the home, hopefully trying to see his perspective a little bit might make it easier to bear at times. Of course you should also try to keep your younger child safe as well... but realize that with siblings. things.will.happen.

I have at least two scars I can identify readily that occurred at the hands of my brother. I can think of countless times we were horrible to each other. I also remember an older kid hurting me when I was probably being too annoying to them.

The fact that the older child is not your bio makes it understandably harder to take your child's side 100% and to resent him. Maybe your DH needs to be pulled into the supervision and the chores that take you out of the kid's orbit can wait until he comes home.. or better yet, he can also do those chores:)

Anyway, I also can definitely understand how having your home "back" feels.. I felt that at times myself.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Mon, 07/10/2017 - 5:30pm

I don't think any of us are required to love our steps the same way we love our BIO's. If the child is a disruption in the home, then there will obviously be feelings of resentment and frustration. I hate the BM plays a hand in his behavior. She is supposed to be the adult. That's horrible. And something MANY of us here deal with. I don't think this makes you a bad person. It makes you very normal. Children that behave poorly tend to cause problems, even in nuclear families. Don't be so hard on yourself.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Mon, 07/10/2017 - 6:11pm

All children are different whether they are your bio children, skids, children from an intact marriage with loving parents, or unfortunately children who have been utterly abandoned by both parents.

Some children with NOTHING going for them grow up to be wonderful human beings in spite of all their trials and tribulations. Some with EVERYTHING going for them grow up to be worthless. Sometimes it's nature. Sometimes it's nurture.

But by the age of 12 a child's basic inner core (not necessarily outer actions) has been formed. If your SS is just a person that you cannot even like - well that's what it is. Since he's still a child you do need to try to work with him - but that does not mean that you allow him to commit atrocities against others. But don't beat yourself up if you realize that he really is just not likeable.