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Son sexually abused/molested by older step brother

Lovemynugget's picture

**IT'S A LONG ONE! But could use some feedback**

To start, my 7yr old son lives with his Dad during the week, and with me on the weekends (we have swapped a couple times prior due to jobs, my schooling, etc.). Since our breakup~7yrs ago, we have been civil, friendly, fair with split custody, sharing medical and daycare bills, etc. We even went to funtown with him, his wife and her kids. All of this with absolutely NO legal involvement.

His wife of 3 years has two boys, 11 and 6 who stay with there father half the week, and with her half. My son grew to love both boys and they got along great when they were together.

At the end of summer 2019, the 11yr old was coming to live with his mom, my ex and my son. They started school together and everything seemed fine. My son was always so happy to see me come Friday, and we would have great weekends. His behavior was pretty normal except he started not wanting to be on a floor or room of the house alone (at night time). He has also woken up in the middle of the night a few times, once with a nightmare, which he never used to do.

I never worried about a thing up until Oct. 12th this year. His SM pulled me aside at a soccer game to mention an odd incident. Her Son and my son have 2 diff bedrooms but my son's room has 2 beds for when his younger sb comes to stay.

One night she said the boys wanted to wear their footie Pjs and watch a movie in my son's room, which she thought was sweet. Later on she noticed the door was closed and when she went to check in, they were both in the same bed, under the blankets and my son's pjs were unzipped with entire bottom half of his body hanging out and no underwear on. When she asked why he was half naked he said they come unzipped from rolling around in his sleep too much.

She suggested I have a talk with my son about body privacy and she would do the same with her son. She then proceeded to tell me that her son was molested by another kid near his age when he was 5 and needed couseling. (I found out later that the other boy had made him put his genitals in his mouth--witnessed by a neighbor).

That weekend I tried to figure out how to start a convo with my son about it...but I didn't have to initiate anything, he spilled the beans on his own while in the car with my husband (his SD) and I. So. We we're driving back from my grams and he was making typical boy butt and poop jokes.

Then he said:
This one time, SB came into my room and just sat on my bed when I was sleeping.
Me: He just sat on your bed?
A: Yeah. Well he sat on top of me...butt naked!!
Me: (trying to keep it light hearted) What? Really? Why would he do that?!
A: I don't know! And awkwardly laughed.
Me: Well what did you do??
A: I just kept snoozin'! He told me the next day that he did it and then he said 'well next time I do it I won't tell you.'

I asked him if he has ever touched him in a weird way and he said yes. And I asked like your private parts and he said "Yes, sometimes he does when I'm sleeping. And I know hes doing it but im like stuck in a dream and don't wake up all the way."

He also mentioned that SB has been bullying him on the bus, calling him names, punched him in the arm and won't share toys at home. He was very confused and sad that they weren't close like they use to be. I didn't ask anymore questions, didn't want to pry, but my husband and I geatly praised him for being brave and telling us, and that what SB did was wrong and he himself did not do anything bad at all. He followed that with a smirk of relief and said "I love you guys".

*I obviously had to tell his SM and Dad. SM was heartbroken and said she would get ahold of SB counselor. His Dad, whom I though would be on the same page as me, reacted AWFULLY. He was more upset that my son told Me and not Him than the report itself and that he probably just made it up to get attention from me because he doesn't see me that much. He then said things like "Chill out, stop WebMDing this (child abuse victims becoming offenders), I'll handle it."

His dad then proceeded to pretty much INTERROGATE both kids TOGETHER! They both admitted to the bullying on the bus but no weird bedtime stuff. His dad messaged me later that night and said he handled it, he threatened SB that he would break his hands if he touched our son like that and that we can all just move on now.

I went that entire week barely eating or sleeping. I couldn't even focus at work. When I saw him that next weekend I decided to Carefully bring it up one more time (in which I was EXPECTING him to now Deny it because his Dad intimidated him and he doesn't want to get his sb in trouble especially after his Dad threatened him).

That next weekend, I asked why he didn't tell his Dad what he told me, and sure enough he started back pedaling. "Oh yeah. I think that was just a dream. Yeah, mom.  I accidentally forgot that it was a dream and I thought it was real." I told him he could always talk to me and tell the truth and that I had believed him when he disclosed it. I left it at that.

The past few weeks I have been stressing about what to do. I was not OK with how my ex "handled things" and just swept it all under the rug. Did he even believe his son? For a second? He had told me I was overreacting and made me feel crazy.

It was then I realized that I needed do get him out of that house. So with potential plans of having him with me and hubs, we chatted about moving bedrooms around and even took a tour of a GORGEOUS, state of the art, progressive school in our town. Compared to his current school up in the sticks that's less than average.

Having ZERO clue what to do next, I called the Child Abuse hotline and explained my story. They said I could either a. Propose that he stay with me during the week without outside involvement, b. Call a lawyer for weekly custody without having to mention the abuse (less messy) or c. Report the abuse to law enforcement.

I chose a. and told my ex I wanted to switch our days with him, if not I may have to get others involved. He adamantly said absolutely not, that we don't even know what happened, that he doesn't need to be uprooted because I want to see him more often (which for some reason this is what he thought the main reasoning was....smh) and that I would change/ruin his life.

I was nice at first but then let it all go, asking rhetorical questions and basically trying to make him realize how much of a heartless asshole he was. He said he didn't want to argue and that we will 'have to plan a sit down with all of us--including the KIDS and get to the bottom of it once and for all.'

I ended it with telling him I am NOT asking my son about this anymore and that I know what I heard that day. The embarrassment, confusion and TRUTH in his voice when he disclosed it and the look of relief on his face after we showed our support for him.

***CONCLUSION***

After mulling it over again and again, and reading stories on this website, I have decided to fight the fight, make it ugly and file a report. I'm going to call local CPS tomorrow and go from there.

I know people are going to be angry. My ex's mother sent me a friend request on FB and I know it's in regards to me wanting to take my son. My gut is telling me this is RIGHT. Save my baby no matter what.

>>MY BIGGEST FEAR IS THAT THEY DROP THE CASE DUE TO MY SON'S NORMAL/UNAFFECTED BEHAVIOR OR HE WILL BE SCARED AND DENY IT AGAIN. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN SAY TO HIM TO ENSURE HE TELLS THE TRUTH??<<

Thank you for reading. Thoughts, opinions and advice are welcome.

 

Comments

Lovemynugget's picture

Side note: All convos with SM and Dad were via messenger and I have printed screen shots of everything.

Indigo's picture

Protect your son. My SGS-14 now, was convicted of sexual assault at age 11.  Other children were hurt because adults refused to believe that it wasn't just "kids being kids." Cousins, neighbors, friends of the family .... some of the child-victim's were taken from their parents & placed in foster care for a time.. Failure to protect & negligence charges against the parents were discussed.

Call. Protect your son.  PM me --- I'm on the periphery of this situation but it's a nightmare.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Make a police report. They will involve CPS. 11 is old enough to know that kind of behavior is wrong. It is sad he was molested when he was 5 and his mother knows he should have had therapy and never had it - but that makes him very like to molest another child.

Quit asking your son any details - let a professional do it from now on. Best case scenario is you don't want to run the risk of influencing what your son will say - although the damage has probably already been done by your ex.  If it was me, I wouldn't let my son stay at his Dad's until there has been an investigation. If there is no court order,  you have as much right to him as your ex. It will get messy, but you can probably keep him from visiting for awhile. You need to step up and protect your son since it doesn't appear that your ex is going to do it.

 

susanm's picture

Father's reaction is a classic.  He is embarassed because he feels he failed to protect his child and tried to take care of it himself by doing the toughguy routine then minimize the initial problem so that he can say it is resolved.  Your local police and CPS have dealt with that thousands of times.  So are the previous victim who did not recieve treatment and goes on to offend themselves and the child who retracts their statement in the face of parental pressure.  Good luck to you in resolving this and protecting your child.  You have some unpleasant days ahead of you but there is no avoiding them.  There are a few members here with personal experience and they will undoubtedly be very helpful to you.  You should also find the board in general a very supportive place.

Lollybobs's picture

No question in my mind - I would go with your option c) and report this to law enforcement asap. So what if 'people get angry'? Your son is 7 years old; he is too young to protect himself and needs the adults in his life to do exactly that, not sweep it under the carpet and pretend it's not happening.

I would be raising merry hell if that were my son and he certainly wouldn't be going anywhere near his father's house again. What a disgraceful excuse for a parent that man is.

justmakingthebest's picture

100% you are doing the right thing. Make the police and CPS report. I would also take that report and attempt to get an order of protections for your son from his stepbrother. 

Fight to protect your son. Either stepbrother goes to live with his dad full time and only comes to the house when your son is gone, or he lives with you full time and only visits his dad when the stepbrother is at his dads. One way or another, BS and stepbrother aren't in the same house anymore.

tog redux's picture

In my area they have a "Child Advocacy Center" where CPS and law enforcement work together to investigate claims of child sexual abuse, in a way that minimizes the stress and trauma for the child as much as possible.  I don't know if they exist everywhere, but it's worth looking at. 

But if not, yes, CPS is the right thing to do.  You also have the right to keep your son and file an emergency petition for custody based on your concern that they are not keeping him safe. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

If you report it, your son will most likely be questioned by a professional who is trained to speak with young victims of abuse. So even if your son is now denying it because dear old dad scared him, the professional can usually help them feel safe enough to talk, or at least get an impression of how they are responding to the questions.

It is unfortunate that your ex is not taking a more cautious, caring approach to all this. Once you report the abuse, it is very likely that the recommendation will be to remove DS from his father's home, pending a full investigation, and only see his father when the step-brothers are not present. At a minimum, adults will have to be present for supervision if the step-brothers are there, and no sleepovers will be allowed.

Regardless of how the investigation proceeds, you are doing your son a favor by beginning a paper trail.

I went through something similar this past summer. Feel free to PM me any time.

Harry's picture

Professional help.  Starting with someone with an MD after there name.  Not a community help center. 
let the professional guide you through the process.

yes report it to CPS and the police,  stop all contract between the boys.  The older kid is sick and will never stop untill  he has years of help.  This is very serious anf should be treated as such.  Not as boys are going to be boys 

Lovemynugget's picture

Thanks so much guys. I was beginning to think I was overreacting somehow!!

I proposed to my ex that we get set up with a counselor or professional in this field and let them assess him, see what he says because we don't know what the he'll we are doing and hes a kid and its so much more complex.

My ex refused going somewhere and demanded we all have a sit down together with the boys. He wants to 'hear our son talk to me about it because he told his Dad that he had lied to me with the initial story'.

I am SEEING RED. He is just scaring him more and more. I am petrified he won't disclose again. To me, his dad, professionals. 

***What happens if I call today. Do they knock on his dads door and take my son into custody? Can he come stay with me?? Do they start interviewing him same day??

I want to know what to expect. I cannot handle this anymore. I know DAMN WELL my son told me the truth. I am upset with myself for not calling immediately, before his Dad ruined it. Sad

notsurehowtodeal's picture

CPS is not going to immediately remove your son from his Dad's. You are probably going to have to fight to get him out of the home. You should call the police or CPS now and get the process started. You should also contact a lawyer and immediately go to court and try and get an emergency, temporary order to get your son out of the house.

I know you are upset with yourself for not doing more when you first found out - but you can start now. It is obvious your ex will not be behaving in your son's best interest, so you need to start fighting for your son now.

Lovemynugget's picture

Just to summarize-- I filed a temp PFA on behalf of my son against his step brother, so he has been staying with me and will until a court hearing on the 6th.

In the meantime, he has an interview with trained professionals at the Child Advocacy Center on Tues the 3rd. I am nervous because his Dad has talked to him again and told him I'm 'scared that his sb is really "bothering" him.'

My son, again, said it was all a dream and I shouldn't worry.

We will see how everything unfolds. Thank you all for your input. <3