FML
I tried to talk to DH about how he plans on handling this weekend with the SKIDS and if they start to get out of control. He totally shut me down. He wants zero input from me. Not only that, but apparently I am not even to be included in the planning. How dare I even ask.
I tried to talk to him about how I feel completely disabled by his belief that I am "too stern." Apparently he has nothing to say to that, because he just walked out of the room.
I asked him if it were possible for me to say ANYTHING to his kids without him feeling like I was being "too stern" -- he said, "well, you could use a nicer tone."
Really buddy? REALLY? I said:
"Ok, so I am sitting there trying to mind my own business, but I have to listen to you 'ask' your kids to 'pretty please' stop doing whatever it is that he is doing. Do your kids listen? Nope. They keep doing it. Then I have to listen to you 'ask' them about 10 more times. Seriously, have you actually LISTENED to the way you parent your children? Do they even listen to you? NO! They don't."
So then I say to them, in my "too stern" voice (seriously, just stern - not assholey, not bitchy - imagine like a drill sergeant), "Stop. Now."
And you know what happens? They stop. THEY F*CKING STOP!
BUT I AM THE PROBLEM??????? OMG!!!!!
Ladies, he even admits that I treat his children the exact same way that I treat MY child. I even have the same expectations for them as I have for my own son.
What more could he possibly want? Even after how HORRIBLE they have behaved and how HORRIBLE he has treated me in regards to his kids, yes, I STILL treat them the exact same way that I treat my own. I don't love them in the slightest, but I do NOT treat them any differently than I treat my own. I have the same expectations and I convey those expectations in the very same manner to them as I do to my own kid.
Clearly, what it boils down to is that he completely and utterly rejects the type of mother that I am. At least, this is how I feel. Seriously, how else am I supposed to take it?
Am I stern with my kid? Yes, I am. And now as a result, my boy at 16 has never intentionally hurt another person in his life, has never stolen anything, is not using drugs, is not cruel to animals, does not treat other people like shit, respects other people's property, and people actually enjoy being around him. He has a very caring and loving personality. Is he a perfect kid? Hell no. But the kid has a core moral code -- something that the skids don't have. The skids are like wild animals.
At one time he said, when I asked him what my role in their life is supposed to be, "You can be their friend."
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?
I said, "No thanks. They have enough friends. Including you, their mother and all of the other adults in their life. Everyone is their friend and no one is fucking parenting them. I have no desire to be their 'friend." Besides, I've see how they treat their friends -- I refuse to be treated like that by anyone, your kids included."
So the skids are coming this weekend and I have no voice.
Ladies, he seriously wonders why I refuse to participate in ANYTHING that has to do with them. Why I don't do shit for them while they are here.
SERIOUSLY????
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Comments
your last comment is exactly
your last comment is exactly right. don't have a damn thing to do with them. he doesn't want you to have a role, so don't have a role. you don't cook for them, clean up after them, nothing. nothing at all. he can either take what you have to offer or get nothing from you at all. he does NOT get to dictate how you interact with his kids. i'd like to send sd19 to him. she thinks it's ok to treat me like shit and yet is still convinced that i owe her a mother. why? well, because i'm with her dad! don't you know that automatically means i owe her something? but her... well, she doesn't owe me anything but a bad attitude, apparently.
Yup. I was willing to go back
Yup. I was willing to go back to trying to do/be something to them. Now that we are finally in our own home.
Nope. Fuck 'em all.
He gets f*cking NOTHING from me. NOTHING.
The only think left that I could disengage from is letting him talk to me about them.
That changes from this point forward. Walk out of a room when I'm trying to talk to you? Ok. I hope he likes that precedent because that's exactly what I'm going to do to him every single time he tries talking about his spawn.
*Pfffffffft*
::exits room::
Might be a good weekend to be
Might be a good weekend to be VERY busy away from home }:)
When we lived with the
When we lived with the in-laws, I would leave. However, we are now in our own home. This is the first weekend since we moved into it and will have both of the kids at the same time. I really don't want to leave all weekend. I feel that the skids need to KNOW, without a doubt, that this is MY house and that they can't run me out of it. I'm worried that if I leave, that I will just be setting a precedent that they can act really, really, really bad and I will leave. F*ck that. This is MY house.
You know?
I get the "it's your tone"
I get the "it's your tone" comments...and I used to say "yes, but it's effective"...but I've been disenagaged for a while now, and I no longer even speak to my ss. I know some may find this wrong, but the arguements have stopped
I completely and totally
I completely and totally disengaged before we moved into our own home. I've been holding out hope that if we were out of the prying eyes and intrusive/undermining behavior of the in-laws, that we could actually try to do something about this shit ass situation we are in.
Apparently my mothering style is so distasteful to him, that it doesn't matter what house we are, he still doesn't want me involved with his kids. That is, unless I can kiss their asses and pretend like they are angels that do no wrong.
I am not capable of that.
I still submit that, regardless of how "horrible" of a parent I may be, I am still the only adult in those children's lives that actually gives a f*ck about how they turn out.
I guess I've got to learn how to not give a f*ck. Right?
"If his children are rude to
"If his children are rude to you, you have every right to correct their behavior in your own home, of course, and he should have your back. "
You would think. Except, well, I asked him specifically about whether he would "allow" me to stand up for myself. He told me, get this: "Only if you can do it in a nice way."
Ugg. Are you f*cking kidding me?
I said, "Oh yeah, that's right, because in the REAL WORLD, when they treat people like shit -- those people are always going to look at your children and think that they are so fucking special that they will always just be 'asked,' in a very polite and kind way, to pretty please don't do that again."
Wake up and get your head out of your ass.
I went on with, "In the real world, those kids are going to get chewed up and spit out, because YOU didn't bother to parent them and teach them that they have ZERO right to walk through life treating other people any way they want."
They are twins, 10, boy and
They are twins, 10, boy and girl.
I think he doesn't like that
I think he doesn't like that his kids listen to you and ignore him, but since he isn't going to change, he wants you to change. I have this problem when it comes to my mother and my niece (my parents have weekend custody). She doesn't listen to either of my parents. She is wild, rude, obnoxious and snotty to them. She listens to me. In fact, she LOVES me. My mother hates it and gets pissed off at me every single time I discipline her even if it is something that my mother yells at her to stop doing. Why? Because it is embarassing for my mother to know that the kid is capable of behaving and that she doesn't have the respect it takes to make her do it.
This is an interesting
This is an interesting theory. At any other time I might be willing to explore that. As it is, right now I am not going to take the time to cater to his crazy ass. Nor to his crazy ass kids either. They can all kiss my ass and die trying to do it too.
I'm back to disengaging. 100% totally and completely disengaged.
Fuck 'em all.
Oh, no reason to explore. I
Oh, no reason to explore. I don't care what his reasons are, he is a douche. His "feelings" should not control his "behavior". I am only able to recognize it with my mother because my niece doesn't come to MY home. In my house I don't care who gets pissed when I discipline. I yell at everyone's kids in my house. Probably why the SILs don't come here!
^ Yup.
^ Yup.
"When your daughter and son
"When your daughter and son are polite to me I will be polite back. If they treat me like crap I will reciprocate the privilege. I pay for this house as much as you do. I expect ALL children in this house to be well behaved. If my son is out of line, we jump on him. If you do not like this approach WTH did you marry me for? And why did we buy a house so I can be treated like crap? No, I WILL be disciplining your children as much as I would discipline my own or even visitors children. My house, I pay for it. If you don't like it, take your kids to your parents for the weekend."
"Your DH poor parenting has
"Your DH poor parenting has turned into something he's defending, for pete's sake! He needs some serious how-to-be-a-parent counseling, to be sure, but as long as you're telling him (rightly)that his kids are brats, he will defend them and 'protect' them."
Exactly. He sure is defending it!
We were going to family therapy for about a year and a half, but we could no longer afford to go. It's probably time we call her up again.
Like you, the therapist always backed me up too. The biggest problem is that I shouldn't be the one disciplining his kids -- he is supposed to be the one doing it. HE is supposed to be the one parenting his children.
My DH tried using the "it's
My DH tried using the "it's your tone" thing...whatever. That's a load of crap. They all use that excuse. It's just their scapegoat for their crappy parenting.
A parent or stepparent is NOT a friend to their child/children. They are not on our level in any way, shape, or form.
Parent them and tell themm off as needed. If DH doesn't like it...tell him to leave the house with them. YOUR HOUSE...YOUR RULES...too!