How do you handle the 'ex'
Really glad I found this site. Its great to hear about others experiences and to speak to people who are in similar positions to myself. No one in my circle of friends is doing the step parent thing so sometimes I feel like I'm flying blind. Fair warning, I'm gonna rant because I'm probably a little over excited that I found a place to vent.
Anyway, I'm wondering how people deal with the ex. Just to paint the picture, my partner was with her ex for about 10 years, from what she told me, their relationship wasn't great, especially in the last few years and he was only around 1 week out of 4 (due to work). He ended up cheating on her via tinder, which was the final straw for them.
Now, when me and her first got together they were still in the process of splitting assets, selling their home etc, but he had moved away to a different city and was not around.
He made the process as difficult as possible, especially after he found out about me. I could go into specifics, but in a nutshell, it was a challenging time for me and my partner. It brought us closer but at times also tore us apart.
Now that the majority of the relationship break down has been dealt with, and her mind is less preoccupied with all that drama, she's shifted a lot of focus towards her daughter having a good relationship with her dad.
Now I see that as a good thing, I want sd to have a good relationship with her dad, but my partner has different expectations about how much the BD will be a part of our lives (by our i mean me and my SO).
The BD calls SD on her mother's phone via FaceTime, which is fine. Of course I expect him to speak with her on a regular basis. My issue in this scenario is that because it's all on speaker phone I can hear the entire conversation, and SD will often just come stand or sit next to me while she's speaking to him, which is just awkward.
I don't know if it would be different if he hadn't been a dick or cheated on my partner, but I definitely feel resentment towards him and I don't like having to listen to him in my own home for 30 minutes with nowhere to escape.
This however is not my main concern, the topic of being together in the same room at events recently came up. Things like graduation sporting events etc. Now my partners expectation is that at these events we sit together with her ex, as one family unit, because it will be important to the child...... I'm not ok with that. Am I in the wrong?
I think maybe my partner is trying to emulate the 'happy family' environment that she had, but that's not her reality. Last time I checked, she had split up with BD, and I know that can be a tough pill to swallow for a kid (I went through it twice) but it's the hand she was dealt.
What really hurts is that my partner went so far as to say that if we go to one of these events and I chose not to sit with them I don't have to, but she would be disappointed in me. Wtf. Haha I'll just go sit up the back by myself.
It's hard enough trying to be a step dad, always feeling like 2nd best to BD, not getting the same kind of unconditional love or respect from the child. I don't want to feel like a third wheel during these special moments in SDs life, i care about her, and want to treat her like my own, these moments in her life will mean a lot to me too. I feel like a lot of that will be lost for me if we go about it the way my partner wants to.
Am I being selfish? Unreasonable?
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Comments
Yes it is painful. And yes it
Yes it is painful. And yes it can make you feel like the 3rd wheel. But i guess i just suck it up myself. Think well she is sd mother and it means something to sd to have bm there for certain things. See everyone getting along. As much as BM shits me she always going to be around. Somehow in sd life. But then again so am I in DH life so I dont let it bother me.
It is what it is. Like you dont have to be best friends with BD. But if you can be civil at a school function or something it helps everyone involved.
As long as your wife not pushing the boundaries like having him around for coffee or inviting him to the inlaws or having get together every week. That when you need to start to question things.
As for the phone thing maybe get sd to go in her room talk to BD. Just tell SD and wife I'm sure BD doesnt want us listening to their whole conversations it between SD and BD.
We both always kick my sd out of the room when she talks to BM. One because they usually talk a lot of nonsense two because of our own privacy it not BM or anyone else's business what we doing or talking about in our house.
So take it up stairs.
What am I missing
I guess what I don't understand is, isn't it possible to be civil at school functions etc without having to actually sit together for the whole event? I have no objection to meeting up before and or after the event and behaving amicably in front of the child. I expected that to be something i would need to do when i chose to be with someone that has children.
I Just don't see why we have to sit right next to each other. Not really interested in making small talk with him for an extended period of time. Nor do I see how that really benefits the child.
Yes, it is possible to not
Yes, it is possible to not sit together. And believe it or not, it's not harmful to the children, either. When DH and I go to skid functions like school concerts and sports, we sometimes sit with BM and we sometimes don't. We don't go out of our way to sit together, and we would never think to save seats for BM and her husband, but if on occasion we need to sit with her (like at a school thing where you sit with your kid) it's not a big deal. I do think that it's important for the children that everyone is civil at these events and no one causes a scene, but there's a big difference between being civil and sitting together.
Lucky- Who told you that the
Lucky- Who told you that the ex's must sit beside eachother at events. ?
My SO
My SO did
Yeah, I never engage with the ex anymore.
Stepmom for over 8 years, went to court, had a team of lawyers, the whole 9 yards, etc.
Now 8 years in, I NEVER EVER engage or have any contact with the dreaded ex (bio mom who held my partner hostage in a shitty relationship for years). I only have her ph# in case of a dire emergency.
We thankfully live 100 miles from her, so we don't attend school functions. If we did, I would probably not attend at all and let my partner/their dad go by himself.
I've literally had 3 lawyers (best in LA) and I almost took the LSAT's just to be a family law attorney myself. I'm telling you, just stay away.
Something that might help..
Instead of caring and holding onto so much animosity about the ex and his treatment to your partner, begin to be thankful that his idiotic and poor behavior led the two you together. I know that might be a stretch, but thought it might help some. : )
I know everyone is different
I know everyone is different but if you are (understandably) uncomfortable by hanging out with the ex and having the SD Facetime him in the same room as you, your partner should not try to force you. You said the youngest child is 9. She can easily Facetime him from her own room. It is disruptive to your home to have the ex e-sitting next to you. The daughter will not be harmed by going in another room to speak to her dad privately.
As far as events - there may be a few instances where everyone has to be in the same room together, such as weddings, graduations, funerals, or other things that are fairly small and can't be duplicated. Sporting events - you could sit in different rows. Birthdays and Christmas can be celebrated separately. Even at graduations and weddings, you can sit in different rows or sections. None of these things will harm the child. I've been divorced a long time and the kids understand that their father and i have separate lives now. Honestly even in the beginning the kids didn't talk to their dad every day they were with me and didn't talk to ne every day they were with their dad. Not everyone is ok with this but they knew that after so many days, they would see the other parent. We had 50/50 though. I can see how the facetiming would be necessary if it were only every few weeks or something.
It sounds like your SO has not figured out how to function as a parent in a fully separate way from her ex. It may be because it is early or it may be that she wants a more enmeshed relationship with her ex. It's not ok for her to discount your feelings and say "i'm sitting with him and if you don't like it don't go." That is putting her first family ahead of your new family. Nobody wants to always come last and your feelings are justified.
Reassurance
You and I seem to share similar points of view, and have similar expectations. The comments you've made on both my posts have been great. Really glad I found my way onto these forums, I'm finding this to be very therapeutic.
I've been with SO for almost
I've been with SO for almost 4 years now. We've been through countless “life moments” with the kids. Kindergarten graduation, award dinners, school plays, ect.
What I can tell you is when parents can't sit together it is hard on the kids. I watched the onet in my life try to figure out who they should sit by, who do they go to when the leave stage, who do they listen took, and more.
At the same time at that point it was a mandatory thing to keep things calm. My SO made sure the children felt no negativity from him. They would normally end up sitting with their mom and that's ok..
Now we can sit together and it's nice for the kids but it wasn't always that way.
The thing is I didn't make the decision. It wasn't mine to make. He and his ex are the parents and they need to lead the way. When they couldn't be civil we didn't try. When they were able to act polite in public I did the same.
I may come here and rant about how sh*ty BM is and how much I hate her. I don't go inviting her to our Thanksgiving but if sitting by her means I don't have to watch the kids look from one side of the room to the other with worry I can keep my mouth shut.
YOU'RE upset for your partner and what he did to her. I understand that but graduation isn't the time for that. If she can behave to support her kids then I do think she has every right to expect you too. And you have every right to continue to dislike the man.
You'd have more of my support if your partner was expecting you to have Sunday dinner with the man every week.
As for the calls?
When the kids were younger BM had to call SO's phone. He would put it on speaker and they had to sit in the living room. It was my choice if I stayed or went to our bedroom.
Now that they are older and have their own phone I have no issue telling them to take the call outside. That's being a parent and teaching children about respecting others. It's no different then teaching them not to take a call in the library.
Anyways over all it seems like the issue is YOU resent the man and feel he's invading your home. Your partner has an ex. As long as they share a minor child he will invade your space in some ways. Again not saying invite him over to family dinner but complaining about a child's phone call?
Age of child?
I wonder how old the children are in your relationship and whether the dynamic is a little bit different because they are younger. Not saying that a 9 yr old can or should have to fully understand her parents relationship breakdown, but i think she has some capacity to understand that her parents split up, that there are reasons that happened, and that there is some residual awkwardness that comes with that.
Regarding the phone, I do remove myself from the room when the child receives the phone calls. The issue is that the child walks him around the house (sometime at his request, because he asks her to show him the dog or whatever it may be) and will often bring the phone to wherever I am, whether that be outside or inside the house. This is something that BM has spoken to her about, as she doesnt like listening to the calls either, but she doesn't really enforce it and says she feels mean making the child sit in her room to take the calls.
I also accept that maybe my point of view on all of this is wrong. I've never been in this position before, I'm here to seek advice. If I'm wrong that's fine, if I identify things I need to work on I still count that as a win.
We don't associate with the
We don't associate with the ex at all. We dont sit together, BM is a psycho and the best for our sanity and peace is to make bare minimum contact. You and your SO need to find sone sort of middle ground that works for your situation. Kids will adapt and it becomes a new normal, I think they aren't as fragile as we think. But again, it depends on your situation and that individual child. Best of luck to you.
I see no reason to ever sit with the ex.
My DH used to, "for the kids" who were teenagers. I refused to sit with BM as she is not a person I would ever lower myself to associate with so why would I just because my DH had poor standards in the past? Not my ex, not my problem. Luckily DH realised he was not obligated to do as BM demanded and declined to sit with her thereafter. The first time I went to a big event for one of the skids, BM knew I was going, and she saved a seat (just one!) in between her and the other skid. BM had the other skid approach DH after we had found our own seats a few rows back to tell him they had a seat saved for him, DH said no thanks we are fine where we are. BM was not happy to say the least. She wasn't happy with any boudaries DH set, including stopping her from hugging and kissing him whever she saw him (to try to mark her territory in front of me). She blamed me, I didn't care. It was her choice to cheat on him a million times, she doesn't get to make the rules.
I recommend setting your own boundaries with regard to sitting with the ex. You have the right to refuse and the right to express to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable to all sit together. You are trying to establish a separate family with your partner and her ex is not part of that family. The kids can be sat down and explained to that while both parents are there to support and love the skids, things change with divorce and one of the things is that the parent do things separately, like sitting in different sections.
If your partner tries to manipulate you into complying with her, stand firm. I remember asking my now DH why he was wanting to sit with a person who so openly had no respect for him (BM also cheated nultiple time amongst other things) and why was he with me if he didn't have enough respect to put my feelings before BM's. He thankfully took this on board. In your situation why does your partner want to fake a family unit? The family unit ended. There is no "happy family". I can never understand why people divorce if they are just going to keep acting married. It is very concerning that your partner would choose to sit with her ex, knowing your opposition to the idea, and even go so far as to say she would be disappointed if you didn't sit with them. So she would let you sit alone while she sat wuth her ex! That says a lot. Time for a serious convo about if she is ready to have an actual realtionship with you, keeping in mind that your feelings should come before her ex's, and the skids can be gently introduced into the two separate families.
As for the phone calls I would put my foot down about facetime, the ex shouldn't be privy to the inside of your home. And voice calls should be made from the privacy of the skids room. It's rude to disrupt a common space with loud phone calls. I would as k your skid to please take the call in their room.
This entire situation boils
This entire situation boils down to compatibility.
Is it okay for SD to walk around the house with her dad on speaker phone? For her, yes. For your partner, yes. For you, no. Same goes with sitting with him at events.
What you can do is express to your partner that you don't like these things and won't participate. If SD comes and sits next to you, you can ask her to go elsewhere or you can leave the room. At events, you can choose not to go or sit elsewhere.
What you can't do is force your partner to do something she doesn't want to do. You can talk to her, sharw your feelings about the subject, and explain how you'll react. Ultimately, she'll have to decide if she is okay with that from you, and you'll have to decide if you're okay with the arrangement your partner puts you in.
I personally find it stupid that the kid can't take the call in her room, and I'm pretty indifferent on the sitting together at events. Neither issue, though, would be a dealbreaker for me, and BM cheated on DH and has made his life hell on earth for years. It's just not that big of a fight that I feel the need to win.
However, that doesn't mean it isn't important to you, so you have to weigh your relationship against this and find a solution, up to and including ending your relationship. I'm not saying you SHOULD end it. I'm saying only you know how important this is to you and whether it's worth fighting or leaving over.
I agree that it comes to
I agree that it comes to compatibility. I think a lot of these enmeshed things divorced parents do are not really "for the kids." The parents do them because they want to. Maybe it's because it makes them *feel* like they are going out of their way or sacrificing for the kids. Their new partner doesn't owe their ex anything, though, and is not obligated to cater to them and they should not if it causes them pain on a daily basis.
There are many compromises that would make this situation ok for both the child and the stepparent. Facetime in private, have the parents sit a few rows or spaces apart but not right together, etc. Seriously. I don't shove my ex down my SO's throat and i don't make it so my ex husband's girlfriend has to deal with my ass every day, either. She shouldn't have to. It is possible! To rigidly say "i'm sitting with him no matter what you say." and say it's necessary for the kids is BS and disrespectful to the new partner. It does not bode well for the future of the relationship as it shows the new partner's needs come last.
Just say No
DH doesn't talk to BM for 30 minutes. Five minutes the most. SD FaceTimes BM in her room not all over the house. At school functions . You sit with DH not with BM. They divorce there is no Happy Family. That ended in the divorce,
I think your real problem is DH. He still has a think for BM. If he doesn't then there is no problem when you tell DH the new set of Rules and how you feel he makes its for the kids cr*p you have a problem.
Ok, I am trying to figure out
Ok, I am trying to figure out gender of OP here AND relationship.
'My partner was with her ex for 10years'.
Is OP in a gay relationship, no marriage? OR boyfriend (lucky is a dude) and girlfriend relationship no marriage? OR gay couple married? Or 'business partner'.
Sincerely not trying to be snarky.
Clarity
I am male, SO is female, her ex is male. Me and SO are not married yet.
Also to add, timing is
Also to add, timing is everything. Maybe OP's SO is early in the process and may not be ready to be the partner OP needs. Some people it seems are never ready. I admit it took me a few years to get to where all these issues were ironed out with my kids and ex. If you feel you are beating your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, it may just be a matter of right person, wrong time.
I have considered this
I have definitely considered that timing may be the issue. Perhaps we jumped into this too soon. Her and her children might have needed more time to deal with everything without me coming into the picture and complicating things more. I feel my SO may have entered into some kind of guilt phase in the last few months, which has resulted in her overcompensating at the expense of our relationship.
Thanks for all the comments
I appreciate everyone sharing their advice and experiences. It was good to see that many people share a similar viewpoint to myself, and some don't. That helps me feel validated, but also reminds me that my partner isn't crazy for wanting to proceed in that manner.