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Not sure I can do this

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 4:18am

So, this is the first time I've ever used something like this (forum). I think the reason I'm on here is just to take an opportunity to vent, so sorry if I ramble on. Don't know if anyone will read this, or if anyone will care, but this is my situation. About 3 years ago I met an amazing girl. We have been together for just over a year, having both been in long term relationships prior to getting together. I have no children, but she has two a daughter 9 and son 18. Shes the love of my life! I pretty much fell in love with her straight away, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Now, I was never against having children, but never felt a strong need to. However, I'm more than willing to do my best to be a father figure for my SO's children, and I genuinely care for them also. Where I'm struggling is that me and her grew up very differently, and she is way to relaxed in her parenting style (imo). Right now my partner is in the living room with the 9 year old watching a movie that i find highly innapropriate for a kid her age, so i chose not to be involved. We're not yet at a point where I can really step in and be a figure of authority, but I'm finding it really difficult to sit back and bite my tongue at times. What worries me most is that I don't know if she will ever allow me to take the reigns a bit and actually have a say in the way that the 9 year old is brought up. She lets her get away with murder, refusing to go to bed, ignoring you when you tell her not to do something etc. She has also taught them nothing about boundaries, and they will walk into our room whenever the wish, go through the beside drawers or wake us from our sleep at ungodly hours for no good reason. it just grinds my gears, and I think it could be fixed with a little bit more discipline. Plz don't misunderstand, I'm not talking about hitting the child or anything of that nature, but I feel that the child needs to respect you as their parent and should listen to you. It worries me that I'm feeling this way. Stepping into a child's life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I want to be a father figure but I don't have the luxury of unconditional love like a real father would, and SD is constantly comparing me to her dad. It's all just difficult and awkward. I wish that I met my partner a long time ago, and that we could have brought our own family into this world. I'm doing my best to become part of her family unit, but unless something changes I don't know if it will work. I don't want to hurt her, or her children by walking away, and the longer I hang around the more hurt they will be. Walking away is the last thing I wanna do, but is it what I should do? Not sure if i can cope with this parebting style, and hell, maybe im the one in the wrong. I have the kids best interests at heart, but maybe im the one with the twisted view on parenting. Sigh, i just wish me and my partner were a bit more on the same page about parenting, because at the moment, im forced to sit back and watch these children be brought up in a way that I feel will hinder them in years to come. Rant over

Comments

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 5:33am

This is one of the hardest things about being a stepparent, and something people can’t understand if they’ve never gone through it themselves. The best thing you can do, asides from having candid conversations with your GF about how the dynamics within your home are affecting you, is to disengage from how your GF parents her kids.

You have every right to tell your SD to knock it off if she disrespects you, you never have to tolerate negative behaviour, regardless of what your GF might say about it. But if your GF isn’t going to give you any autonomy to parent her kids, that’s as much as you can do on the parenting front.

The other thing I’d suggest is to draw clear boundaries with your GF about what she can expect from you. You do not have to be a doormat. If she won’t allow you to parent in any way, then she cannot expect you to chauffeur her kids around, make them meals, or do any other tasks a parent would be expected to do. She cannot have it both ways, but it’s up to you to draw these lines in the sand with your GF.

Its not an easy gig being a SP. we’re expected to ‘love them like our own’, while not being allowed to actually parent, and not reap any of the rewards a bio parent would receive either. There are enormous societal pressures on SP’s to behave a certain way. You absolutely do not need to do that.

Decide where your boundaries are, and have candid conversations with your GF. Only you can decide whether this will be the right relationship for you. Hopefully she will be supportive of where you’re coming from, though a lot of BP’s are not. At least not at first. Make sure you’re taking care of you.

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:31am

Seems like an easy solution, the door already has a lock. However, it's one of my partner a 'rule' that the door remain ajar, just in case the little one calls out for her or has a nightmare etc. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:41am

It's time she started letting go. The "little one" is NINE, for goodness sake! That is perfectly old enough to get out of her bed and come and KNOCK on your bedroom door! 

So how do you manage to have sex with your door constantly open? Or doesn't she mind if her kids hear it all?

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:44am

Right on the open door?! 

But then mom lets the "LITTLE one" watch sexual content (that sounds like depraved sexual content even), so I guess the "LITTLE one" knows about that anyway.

 

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:56am

I think she's plenty old enough to be able to cope with the door being shut. Surely if she can get up and come to our bedroom in the early hours of the morning to ask her mother if she can go on to her mother's phone to play tik tok then she can do the same if there is some kind of issue during the night. My parents were big on space and privacy so I guess that rubbed off on me. My SO seems to struggle to understand that SD is not my child, she's only been a part of my life for just over a year, and I'm not super comfortable with her just coming in and out of my room, seeing me in my underwear etc. It feels awkward being around a child of the opposite sex in my underwear. Might be a different story if she was a boy, or if she was mine, but I feel like she needs to learn about boundaries, biological child or not.

As far as sex goes, we shut the door, and then she opens it back up when were finished. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 11:19am

I am dealing with the same thing. My partner seems to think his room and bed need to be available to his kids at all times, and it's wrong to "ban" them from his room. I won't move in with him unless it changes. He also will lock the door to have sex and unlock when we are done. Once the 9-year-old (opposite gender from me) ran right in afterward and saw me completely naked. When the lock didn't "catch" a few times, he has walked in on us having sex. It will be 9-10 pm on a school (and work) night and i will come to sleep over and the kid is in his underwear in the spot where i sleep. I will either just stand there until he's out or outright leave. It really upsets me. I told my boyfriend about my feelings, same as yours, and he sort of changes things for a while but always backslides. And since the kid saw me naked his behavior toward me has been much more disrespectful. Idk how much longer i can stick it out, dating, trying to get things to a point where we can live together. The status quo is intolerable to me and i believe bad for the kid. 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 8:03am

Cut bait now and move on. 

This will not change and you will grow to resent your girlfriend and it will affect the way you feel about her. 

Honestly, have one more very candid, very serious conversation with her. If she does not agree, move on asap. If she does agree, watch her very close to see if she backsides (a lot of people agree, follow terms of agreement for a little while, but move back to their "old ways"). 

Decide what you 100% need (like kid free bedroom and no getting woke up whenever and kids digging through your things). Who.cares if kid is watching something you wouldn't let your kids watch or eat what you wouldn't allow. 

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:37am

Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Not sure about your final statement though. I've never really been fussed about what the kid eats, that's no big deal to me. In saying that some content on tv is just not appropriate for a 9 yr old imo. I don't think she should be exposed to things like dildos, creeps smelling and licking dirty panties, or excessive sexual references and drug references. Maybe I'm being overprotective, maybe not. But that's definitely my stance on it. 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:40am

The eating thing was just an example. But if the content of the movie was THAT bad, your gf is a HORRIFIC parent and that alone would make me leave (sorry, i couldn't have imagined the movie was THAT bad). 

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 11:15am

Wondering if I made it sound worse than it actually was. Just for transparency's sake, the movie was white chicks, but not the theatrical version, the unrated version. If your not familiar with it the differences between the two are highlighted here https://www.commonsensemedia.org/movie-reviews/white-chicks/user-reviews so the movie is a comedy, and the scenes I described are in the interest of 'humour' but comedy or not, I still retain the stance that a child should not be exposed to that at her age. I heard her asking her mother questions about the dildo scene...

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 11:57am

NO WAY A CHILD SHOULD BE EXPOSED TO THAT CONTENT. THAT IS TERRIBLE PARENTING!!! 

And, you agree. What if she gets pregnant and YOUR child is raised like that/exposed to those things at such an early age...? Is that a risk you are willing to take? 

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 9:45am

You are not their father. And when this 9 yr old reminds you of this, agree with her. No I am not your Dad. Develop a detachment from her. If she is in your room at night ask her to leave. " Excuse me, this is my room. Your dad would not like you going theough another mans things. " 

However your gf may be the best thing in the world but she comes with a parenting style that is not consistent with your own. This will only get worse as you all get older. She will morph into a moody teen without boundaries, you will get more intolerant. GF will not give you autonomy as another adult in your home. I would say GF is behaving like a Disney Mum. 

Consider moving out into your own place. There is no law that says you have to move in with your GF. If your relationship is strong enough it will work our. I would tell GF that her daughter obviously doesnt like or respect you. In fact she has more respect for her teacher than you. And you contribute to her lifestyle. So for her daughters sake you are moving out. You are not breaking up but luving in your own space with your expected level of privacy. GF is welcome to spend the night and even bring her children over for dinner ( no overnight with kids). But in your home your rules. 

captjacksprrw's picture

Submitted by captjacksprrw on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 9:52am

In my case, I fought to nearly the end of my sanity and we are doing pretty well (DW and I).  However, to mirror what has been said this behavior pattern will not change.

If you are determined to make a go of it, I'll post my broken record that cost me dearly to learn

  • First you and GF have a long, completely candid and open talk alone.  NO kids interrupting or anywhere in earshot
  • Establish both of your goals, boundaries and expectations and neither of you can sugar coat nor hold back
  • Be able to repeat each other's expectations and boundaries and overcommunicate
  • Accept absolutely no less thanyou two are the adults and they are the kids and these are the roles
  • No, you have no right to take reins or discipline unless you both have an agreement how that will work.  Learn to be at complete peace with this
  • Consider a monthly counseling visit for the two of you
  • If your GF is not willing to meet half way and establish a base line so that the two of you are a unified front then move on and cut all ties.

BTW I say 20 years because in today's snowflake world do not think they move out at 18

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 12:04pm

This is good. DH and I had several long talks about expectations and parenting. We both got to air our opinions and boundaries. We are different and that won't change.

So I disengaged and let him know what I will and will not do. We both backslide now and then and since DH has on occasion agreed with me and followed through on things, but it's rare! Parenting is 100% on him.

I will not allow anyone to distrespect me or my things. If I find that my things are missing (most recently cloth napkins and a bunch of my rubber coasters...wth?) DH replaces.  If I am in charge for some rare reason, no undermining my authority...a huge, huge problem.

Make yourself and your needs clear. If she's a reasonable adult you should be able to talk with her!

Lucky red's picture

Submitted by Lucky red on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 10:29am

Thank you to everyone for putting in their two cents. Especially monkeysee. Your particular comment resonated with me the most. I feel  somewhat reassured after reading through some of these comments. The truth is that I don't want my relationship to end, this girl is so special to me and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I'm just worried that it's in no ones best interest to drag this out if it isn't gonna work, which I feel is especially important because there are children involved. I have tried to talk to my partner and draw a line in the sand, she seems to want to take a 'we will deal will issues as they arise approach' which I don't find useful as I'm trying to work out now whether I can fit into the picture long term. I don't have any friends who are in the same position (taking on someone else's children) so at times I feel defeated and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 12:30pm

 I think often we stepparents who don't have kids either doubt our judgement about the poor parenting we witness, or have our pov dismissed by our partners. Currently there's a lot of societal pressure to be child centric, and we're expected to participate in that. I call b.s.

I raised my teen SD for five years after her BM abandoned her. Because of their opposite schedules, DH only saw his daughter about 1.5 days per week. Still, I can tell you I did a better job parenting than either of the BPs did.

I don't necessarily believe that you have to be a parent in order to have opinions on parenting. If you're a member of a household with kids you're affected by them, and partners should be on the same page. Differences in parenting and financial philosophies are cited as the two most common causes of divorce, so clearly it's a huge issue in relationships. Being in a relationship with someone who's a poor/helicopter parent can be really, really stressful. It causes resentment and misery which ultimately kills the relationship.

Because your relationship is relatively new, you might want to do some couples counseling to hammer out rules and expectations for your shared home. If your gf isn't willing to negotiate and compromise, or doesn't acknowledge that your needs are important too, then you should move out. You are the one making a sacrifice here; she's the one with the baggage. 

Lastly, please protect yourself financially. Financial abuse of stepparents is ridiculously common, but the fact is you have zero financial obligation to those kids. Your gf and the biodad(s) are responsible for supporting their kids, so don't offer yourself up to be used.

Penny19's picture

Submitted by Penny19 on Sat, 02/08/2020 - 4:27pm

I gave up an apartment, money,, freedom after 6 months of dating to move in with a man I fell for who had 3 kids (1 girl, 2 boys). I thought everything was going to be rainbows and unicorns but after the newness wears off, things change.

The kids end up being smart like a fox. They somehow know how to play both ends against the middle. You'll prob get involved in that since there's an ex. I always felt like the outsider. As far as disciplining them even verbally, forget it. I was always the silent martyr.

Since there were 2 boys, I was always wrapped up like a mummy after my shower. That never changed until after they were thrown out of the house. 

Take your life and ffwd 10 years and imagine where things would be. Listen to your gut and not your head. Your head will lie and varnish reality but your gut will always tell the truth.

Just my experience, not advice.  Good luck to you. BTW, we're still together and NOW there are grandchildren I never thought would be part of the deal.