Herpes, SD and resentment: you're never quite cured.
I am joining my husband on the other coast next week to visit his family.
For years, every time we went out there, adult SD had to go too. Inevitably, she'd have a meltdown, end up screaming names at me and my husband would do nothing. So awkward. So many awful memories of those visits. So I stopped going.
In the decade we've been married, SD has had fewer meltdowns, but she was still inconsistent in her treatment of me. So I disengaged. I told him I wouldn't see her, wouldn't have her in my house, and I didn't want to hear about her. For more than a year, this has been working.
He'd still go see his family alone since then -- mostly because of logistics. I have said to him a few times that I think it's weird that SD doesn't go to the other coast with him to see their family now that I don't go. In fact, I just said it again last week. He didn't correct me.
Today I got on his computer to find my flight schedule to join him. There's an email from his brother indicating SD will be out there (apparently before I get there) and they're all getting together for a big family meal. I was quite surprised.
Aside from the fact that he has apparently been lying to me -- or at least holding back the truth -- I wonder why it bugs me so much that she's there. I guess part of it is because I stopped going to avoid her and it feels as if it's left me out of having extended family. Yes, disengagement was my choice, but the choice was to disengage or be treated like crap by SD while everyone watched. I never looked at it as much of a choice -- just as self preservation.
I feel like a fool. I feel as if he knew all along she would be there, she was probably there on his prior visits and he never told me.
I guess I can't really blame him -- I said I didn't want to hear about her. But I also feel as if he didn't tell me because, as usual, it's easiest for him to avoid conflict rather than tell the truth -- nothing has changed. That's still her territory and there's little room in it for me. I thought I'd finally have a carefree trip out there without all the anxiety of any association with SD and now I'm sort of pissed at him all over again that this is how it has to be.
I'm also wondering if his entire family is getting together, what should I say when someone mentions that SD was there. I can't believe it won't come up. How awkward. Another awkward trip to the other coast.
I've always found his family such a bitter pill because it always included SD. We could never spend time with him mom or brothers out there without the ugliness and stress of having to endure SD too, and that would always lead to my husband and me fighting. I thought just this once I'd go out with a clear mind and all those terrible memories wouldn't come up because for the mere 48 hours I get to be there, she won't be there.
But of course, she'll be there right ahead of me. WTF? Can't he ever go out there without her? Why does it bug me so much when I'm not even going to see her? And now I feel that sting of resentment and mistrust that controlled the first eight years of this marriage...always because of SD. Won't I ever really shake it? Goddamn, what a disppointment after I thought I'd conquered it. I guess it's like herpes...you never quite get it out of your system.
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I think if I were in your
I think if I were in your situation, I'd stay home this year too.
You're right in thinking that he's simply following your wishes but really?? He's being a bit childish in my mind by not telling you that SD still goes out to visit. All he needs to say, is that she does still go. No follow up, no explaination, just yes she still goes.
And stop feeling like a fool, he's the one who hasn't said anything.
It's a form of betrayal, isn
It's a form of betrayal, isn't it? Your H knows how you feel about SD, knows that you don't want to see her, but is willing to let you blindly walk into the lion's den. Shame on him. At the very least he owes you the courtesy of letting you know she'll be there.
What an a$$hole.
No, no, no -- I'm sure he has
No, no, no -- I'm sure he has no intention of our paths crossing, after all, if our paths crossed, I'd know he didn't own up to her being out there with him all those times I brought it up. She's apparently going out there and leaving before I get there. So it's not as bad as throwing me in the ring without letting me know she's there...ha, ha...he's just not letting me know she's there, period.
And I know it's stupid of me, but I'm still bugged. I can't quite put my finger on why.
He has a life out there that I always feel belongs to her. I never see his family because I couldn't stand dealing with her and she's always there. She goes with him to see his friends out there -- HIS friends. Like, why would a 30-year-old want to go hang out with her father's old-man friends? It just feels like she's his wife out there. She has pee'd all over the state. I always feel so...I feel like I'm the daughter or just a girlfriend and she's the wife when it comes to his family, his friends out there, his family here -- because SHE'S ALWAYS THERE. To avoid her, I have to avoid a lot.
And it's unbelievable that she AGAIN managed to get off work and be out there with him when we made these plans at the last minute.
I'm never there. How nice my disengagement has worked for her. She still gets her trips with Daddy while I'm sitting at home. Nothing ever changes.
Ugh. I thought I was past all these feelings. I thought I had this in the bag and here I am feeling all this shit again.
I'm going to spend some serious ass money to feel better. I'm sure I need a new everything.
Find yourself a sexy latino
Find yourself a sexy latino tennis instructor and take some lessons while he's gone. *diablo*
You feel this way because you
You feel this way because you never get any time to bond with his family. You feel like a stranger and outcast and literally have to avoid crossing paths with her because she's so high conflict. Has your H addressed this with her? Why can't you guys travel at another time and not let SD know? Its sad that you even have to do this but if you want to spend time with H and his family without her than why not?
If you decide not to go make sure you arrange something fun and enjoy the time to yourself. Don't allow SD so much power over you that you won't be able to enjoy time alone.
Funny...scheduling it and not
Funny...scheduling it and not telling SD was exactly what our therapist said to do years ago. I guess my husband always felt like he should have time with his daughter with their family or maybe he could never out manipulate her. I thought he was a pretty bad liar until now.
For the past several years, I thought he'd been out there alone without her or me. I don't have a reliable dog sitter and my little bit of work kicks up over the summer when he goes, making it harder for me to get away. But mostly, I wanted to avoid the scene of so many uncomfortable run-ins with SD.
At the time the conflicts happened out there, he said he addressed them with her, but really she just defended herself to him and he said little. He never put her in her place, not even once. One night we were driving back to where we were staying and she melted down and started screaming at me. He just kept driving, didn't say a word to her. The next day, after he and I fought about it, he "addressed" it with her. So his ancient mother and I sat in the living room, listening to her bad-mouth me through the paper-thin walls in the next room, acting as if we couldn't hear any of it. It was absolutely the most uncomfortable scene. He should have stopped that car while she was calling me names and, frankly, slapped her face. Repeatedly, when we were out there, she'd ask him to walk alone with her on the beach or go for coffee. So I'd be left in the hotel room, no car, sitting and waiting for them to return. I felt like a fool. This was also where she told everyone how "cute" her dad is as he walked away one night. I've always felt like the third wheel out there.
And it's all coming back to me nice and fresh now. I get that she will be gone by the time I get there. I just feel so...betrayed, I guess, that he's been lying about her being there. This is such a raw nerve. It took so much to get past the resentment of him letting her walk all over me for so long.
so she'd ask him to be alone
so she'd ask him to be alone with her, and he would oblige?????? again and again??????? while you were on holidays????????
No. NO. NO. NO.
Yes, that is what happened.
Yes, that is what happened. No more of that now -- he just goes separately with each of us in his harem now so there's not so much conflict.
Im going to be really
Im going to be really controvertial and suggest you get yourself on Tinder, RSVP, or whatever online dating sites you may have and actually start looking for an affair/lover/new partner. Men do it all the time. Stay with him until you've found someone else,,, without kids... you deserve it. Let him live with the fallout of being left behind.
I find my men at the local
I find my men at the local animal shelter from now on. The last one I adopted has been my best lover yet. True, he has no testicles, but neither does the one I married.