So much more to the story.

My husband and I are in the middle of a run-of-the-mill blowup (from different coasts) about SD31. This is the first since I disengaged two years ago. It happened because, again, my husband so clearly handled everything wrong (lied through his teeth to me and got caught) that I laid down the law: change it or else. Same old, same old.

He did his usual "I'm an awful, people-pleasing failure of a human being..." routine. I did my usual, "I won't go on like this..." routine.

During this long phone call about this most recent issue, he dropped that when I disengaged nearly two years ago, he told SD it was because she "didn't reach out to me after her wedding."

That's true -- after I busted my ass for her wedding and was the perfect invisible SM for her big event, she went right back to sending her snotty subtle slights.

I wondered why I'm just hearing this from him two years later.

And I wondered why he made it about SD not returning an email to me and sending cards to our house only addressed to him. He made it sound so petty. I didn't disengage only because of subtle slights. It happened after a culmination of 15 years of inconsistent "seduce and reject" behavior by SD, outright verbal attacks during which he did nothing, her demands to exclude me, never getting a single apology for any of her bad behavior, her rallying Facebook attacks onto which some of her family mobbed making me uncomfortable around them too...just a host of shit that caused so much conflict between my husband and me that I was done with her and nearly done with him.

This is why I hate that my husband even discussed it with her -- he made it seem as if it was only about fairly petty recent stuff when it's really been about two decades of being SD's scapegoat for her anger issues that have nothing to do with me.

Now I'm imagining his whole family thinks I cut off precious SD because she didn't return an email. I've always been above gutter fighting, but I know she's not. I'm sure she spread that tale far and wide by now. Any wonder they've been so distant. Is there any way to set the record straight? Is there any point?

My aim when I disengaged was to preserve my marriage and dignity. But looking back, I should have dealt with her myself rather than let my stupid husband bungle through a discussion with her about my grievances. Should I have addressed it with her directly?

I know in the long run, none of it matters -- she is who she is and knowing why I really disengaged probably wouldn't have made any difference in her behavior. But I hate looking peevish and petty. I hate that her mistreatment of me is so abstract to him that he boils it down to an unreturned email.

It's kind of hard to believe this thing that has most threatened our marriage is so misunderstood by him. How can that be? I feel misunderstood by everyone in his camp.

disengagement adult SD

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Think about this

Is it a coincidence that his awareness of his daughters bad behaviour started at the same time you disengaged? Methinks not so much.

I think he relaises how badly his daughter has treated you in the past 2 years. Previously he was wearing rose tnted glasses and just needed a wake up call. Now he realises how badly she behaves, recognises it for what it is. His daughter is rude.

Who cares what his family thinks. You say you are above gutter fighting yet you want some form of acceptance from his family. This is unlikely in the forseeable future because all those people were quick to assume based on some radom snot-fest facebook comment/ meme. Just lead your life as a good person. Do not give her ammunition to sabotage you. In the end those who do not live on Facebook will see the real you. If anyone ever asks you what happened you just say "Well, we don't get along. It is sad, I tried. But being a good wife and taking care of DH is my primary job." Then change the subject.

As for your husbands fight technique ... it is petty and silly. My response would be "I am sorry you think you are that person because that is not who I see and married. I love you. I am your wife. What else do you need? Let's not argue anymore and be the better couple we can be." Threatening to leave him and not putting up with this anymore is as silly as his "I am a terrible excuse for a person.." Either leave or change.

Look, for many years one of my sisters undermined me at every turn. She contrived, she lied, she stole little items from me. Even now she posts pictures on FB *unfiltered*. And I want to scream from the rooftops "She is a liar!" But no one will listen. No one really cares. it is nly FB and if she wants to live through FB with her Pass/Agg little jabs that can be taken either way but I know how she is for the past 55 years. OCncentrate on being a good person. Trust me, it pays off in the end.

If anyone ever asks you what

If anyone ever asks you what happened

All excellent advice, but this part is good for ANY kind of relationship that went sour. I've been asked MANY times about my ex BFF who really did me wrong. I simply tell people, "We grew apart." Which is true because I refuse to be in any kind of relationship that become toxic.

The funny thing is...

...I waited five days before I addressed any of this with him. I was so mad, SO MAD, I knew if I talked to him too soon, it would be much uglier than was warranted. So threatening to leave him was after I'd taken it down many notches! Yes, silly and destructive.

What I'm really trying to do is make him see the connection: SD behaved badly, he did nothing to stop it, so I disengaged to avoid her toxicity and stop the conflict between us ----- but after two years of disengagement, we're still fighting about SD...because, in the end, my disengagement gave SD exactly what she wanted. I have inadvertantly rewarded her bad behavior, so the conflict between my husband and me continues.

Now we will try something new. I made a list of my expectations of him. I will still be disengaged from SD, but there will be a new way of handling the issue that caused this latest blowup. I told him frankly that SD probably won't like it, might get mad at him, but SD and he must now suffer the consequences of her anger issues instead of me.

I don't know if this will work. But it's time for disengagement to have consequences for all of us, not just me. I will not be staying home away from his family and friends anymore while she fills the wife role because SHE doesn't know how to be civil. And I told him if there's one more SD outburst, slight or anything in between, I will dish it out tenfold to her, so he should figure out how to handle her or I will. (I don't expect this to happen, thank god, because I will still be disengaged from her. I'm no fighter.)

But you have won

You are still his wife. He has not left you nor you, him. Your reward and prize and ultimate triumph over her is remaining married to him and having a good relationship. So work on that. Not about his lack of support over his daughter. Sometimes the reward isn't a declaration of love made on the jumboscreen at the Superbowl but in recognising he cannot live without you. My stylist is pretty low key and her husband proposed at the end of a mud run. Both were covered head to toe. But as they collapsed over the finish line he got down on one knee in the mud .... the rest is history. Some women want a parade in their name, Others want to hold hands at the back of the parade with the one person they cannot be without this side of the hereafter. Yeah, and SD will hate you forever for doing one thing, loving her father. Which is how you can put it to DH one day. Just not right now

You're right about

You're right about disengagement; It gives the skids exactly what they want--the step out of the way while they play. Better not to physically disengage IMO for that reason.

If you've been open, honest,

If you've been open, honest, and direct with your H about your true reasons for disengaging than your H is aware. Right now he's just playing stupid so to place the BS on you. You've been disengaged for two years don't give anyone the satisfaction of reacting because you think everyone thinks you're petty. What they feel or think is not your concern and to be honest who cares....they are going to think what they want regardless.

So keep your head up and make yourself CLEAR to your H the reasons why you disengaged from SD and make sure he understands it.....that way, when he feels like "addressing" his daughter he has the accurate information and not get it all twisted.

I would not bother to "set

I would not bother to "set the record straight" because that will give your SD the satisfaction of knowing she is in your head. And what the rest of the family thinks of you is not important. My DH's family knows my OSD behaves poorly and they say "that's just the way she is", but she is their family and I am not, so that's a battle not worth waging.

My DH has used the same "feel sorry for me" routine when we argue. I tell him I don't want to hear it; he's a grown man. Your DH has likely reduced your disengagement to you not getting an email because he was too afraid to tell his DD that it was due to years of her poor behavior...he would have to admit to himself that he did nothing about it. It's easier to be in denial than admit to being a chump.

It's so hard to regain respect back when our DH's act this way.

I totally agree with SLamb.

I totally agree with SLamb. These weak men with daughters all act the same. They minimise every thing their DDs do and then they do they same when communicating about us partners/wives to their dds. They dont want to upset their little precious darlings, so they dont actually tell them the full truth,,, because they quote:'are always in the middle' unquote.

He will never change Marblefawn. Reading about your life has made me realise what Im going to be in for if I stay in my relationship. Its like we are partners with the same man. They are the same in so many ways.

Im getting out.

Good idea, beastofburden.

Good idea, beastofburden. Most days I'd rather be single than deal with another year of this BS. It's a shame. He and I are like hand in glove in every other aspect. That's how it's so easy to see that the step dynamic is devastating to an otherwise great relationship.

Maybe after divorce people SHOULD stay single and just date long term. We don't need mothers for kids anymore -- the "step" thing developed back when a man needed someone to raise his kids after their mother's death. Maybe that's antiquated and it really just doesn't work anymore. Sometimes when I read about these situations with steps and halfs and all the complications, I think it would be better if people didn't try to mix families. It's painful and seems to rarely work.

Good luck to you. I bet there's a great man out there who won't put you through this. Or adopt a dog -- for love, that's a sure bet!

I think its crappy that he is

I think its crappy that he is still on Team SD. That is what this is. His loyality is still divided after all these years. That is where you anger lies. IMO.

You are so right. I told him

You are so right. I told him he needs to join my team or the team will be dissolved.

I told him SD's anger issues need to have consequences to her and maybe to him, but there will be no consequences to me for her misplaced anger anymore.

We'll see how well that works out for me...

Thanks for all these comments

Thanks for all these comments -- I needed the morale boost.

I know the answer is to ignore what others think. I'm sure they've all had a load of SD's crap at one point or another so maybe their own difficult interactions with her come to mind when our names are mentioned in the same sentence.

Husband suggested we start again setting aside a weekly hour to discuss the marriage and get back on course. I don't think it will happen if I don't bring it up, but it helped us before so maybe it will help again.

I can't believe I tried so many years to win over SD, took so much shit, ate so much crow, held my tongue so long. Then I finally disengaged and gave her what she wanted -- a world with just her daddy -- and somehow I'm STILL the bad guy, I'm the one fighting with him.

He should be fighting with her to be civil to his wife. After a decade of dating, then a decade of marriage, I'm obviously here to stay.

Of course, SHE doesn't argue with him as I do -- but why should she? She got her way. She doesn't have to be civil to me, she doesn't have to look at me, she gets to do the fun stuff with dad while I'm at home. It must feel like a win every time he shows up there alone. Disengagement rewards the offender more than the offended.

And he should be thrilled with my disengagement -- he has carte blanche to indulge her every whim with me not there.

Disengagement almost feeds the monster more than it slays it.

But I realize it's about self preservation -- not about fixing the problem.

"But looking back, I should

"But looking back, I should have dealt with her myself rather than let my stupid husband bungle through a discussion with her about my grievances."

Tell me about it. And with small issues, I agree. But why, oh why do these men always make it about us instead of making it about respect, specific misbehaviors, or they way they are being mistreated by their own flesh and blood? *sigh*

When my DH finally found the orbs to engage and say anything to his eldest daughter and his sisters (aka The Coven), he never once referenced himself, his hurt feelings, or his boundaries - you know, things they might actually care about. While it's great that DH did stand up for me, he did it in a way that continued to make me seem the problem. It's a no win scenario. DH had suggested I handle his daughter in the first place, but I insisted DH do it because I felt it was his responsibility and I was tired of him hiding behind my skirts.

Oh well. If we had handled it, we would have been labeled an interfering !@#$* with father and daughter united against us. . And TBH, if these men werent such weak, conflict avoidant poor communicators, we wouldnt have these issues in the first place. So, all we can do is draw hard boundaries and take care of ourselves.

Preach, Sister!!

Nothing more to say...

I hope it all works out for

I hope it all works out for you, hon. Disengagement should only have consequences for DH and SD while you enjoy the absence of drama and BS. {{hugs}}

You make a good point, ExJulie...

You make a good point. I think my husband believes he is special -- especially weak, especially people pleasing, especially torn between two women pulling him in opposite directions.

Clearly if your husband is the same, and so many others on this site, they aren't special, even if there was childhood trauma, yada, yada. He brought up that he was raised by an abusive narcissistic father and SD was raised by an abusive narcissistic mother. I was not joining the pity party. I was like, "Big damn deal -- HAVE YOU MET MY MOTHER??? She's an abusive narcissist and I didn't treat YOUR daughter badly because of it." He knows my mother at 85. He was not there when she beat the hell out of us and broke my sister's toe literally over spilled milk.

And you are spot on about the stupid, weak approach they take when they do open their mouths. Just once he should have spoken up about HIS needs -- I need you to treat my wife well because it hurts ME when you don't. Just once.

To be honest, I could never have stood up to SD. She's frightening. She has a mouth on her like nobody's business. I guess her narcissistic mother made her aggressive and overly confident. Mine left me completely swimming in doubt and unable to take my part even when it's owed to me. As a result, I took it until I backed away.

Yea...cry me a river that you've been through so much because of your awful parents. At least my husband's bad parent is dead and SD's bad parent is many states away. I heard a lecture yesterday from my dear mother about how I shouldn't be so hard on my husband becasue, "She IS his daughter." No one fucking has my back...except maybe you ladies! Thanks for that.

It would be interesting to

It would be interesting to know how many of the members on this site were raised by an Nmom. A few have shared that they were, and they give some of the most insightful comments.

That would be interesting. It

That would be interesting. It is a common thread -- or so it seems, but I think a lot of people throw the narcissist term around fairly loosely. I've tried to be judicious in labeling my mother with it. I'd rather she not be, but after 51 years of being her "greatest failure," I'm ready to pin the badge on the old bat.

When I'm not obsessing about why my SD is the way she is, I obsess over why my mother is the way she is. She's very peculiar. My mother is an adult child of an alcoholic father and supposedly schizophrenic mother. My mother is probably borderline, and probably narcissistic, but I'm no psychologist. From my amateur eye, my grandmother's crazy never even approached my mother's crazy, but maybe that's because my grandmother was pleasant and kept her mouth shut. I sometimes wonder if my grandmother was completely healthy, but was completely overpowered by my mother. Maybe my mother just projected her own mental illness onto my grandmother.

Long after my grandmother died, my mother went one time to a psychologist and came home ranting that the psychologist is out of her mind because she had an aquarium in her office with no fish in it. I still hear that story 30 years later. Like, it couldn't be that the tank was new or all the fish had died. She never went back.

On good days, I just obsess over my little dog

Many of us were, I bet...

Why else would we be attracted to men (or their situations) whose packages included personality disordered people? And why the hell do we stay? ...trying to mend our childhood wounds, I bet.

I love my mother most days - she's mellowed out with age, regular nookie (love you, Stepdad!) and my STEEL BOUNDARIES, but damn if she wasn't Queen of Crazyland while I was growing up, and being the only child, I got both the golden and black sheep treatment. No wonder I attracted a nearly narcissistic dude who had children with a borderline. Can't escape psycho stew I tell ya!