Starting my day the disengaged way.
I wake up in a good mood, go downstairs to start my day and walk into husband's almost-whispered phone call with SD. Usually I just turn and go the other way, but I wanted to get my day going. I make my dog's breakfast, do a few dishes, making noise so I don't accidentally overhear something that pisses me off.
Damn that pizza cheese I had to quietly wrench off with a knife. I heard him responding to her apparent inquiry about when he will retire.
He gets off the phone and there's that awkwardness of her "presence" between us. It will shake out in an hour or so. But I so resent her even asking about his retirement. I know that's ridiculous - he's her father. I guess their history of them making plans between them for all of us and then dictating them to me like I'm a child just came rushing back to me: ("Oh yea, didn't I tell you? We're all going to the this movie and then getting seafood. Oh. That's right. You're allergic to seafood. Well, maybe we can go somewhere else to eat.")
Ugh, I hate her. I hate starting my day like this. He'll be back to work next week and all his calls with her will be made elsewhere. It's better like that.
She's a sturdy one. I can't believe she hasn't dropped dead yet with all the mental heft I've put into wishing it.
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Oh my, I remember the days,
Oh my, I remember the days, lol. So sorry that it's having such an awful effect on you. I used to think that bending steel with my mind would be easier than attempts at ignoring my (now X) Adult SK's.
For the record, I'm old school in the fact that I don't think HIS retirement is any of HER damn business. How we got to this place where parents feel as though they owe their adults (or underage kids) explanations in to their finances and such, is beyond me. Parents who get in to that kind of sharing, have serious boundary issues, IMHO.
Try to find ways of not hating her. Indifference is so much better. Indifference will drive SK's bat$hit crazy. It's a SP's best line of defense, lol. Seriously, when my X would start talking about his kidults, I would let him rattle on for about 2-5 minutes, then as soon as there was a tiny break, I would start talking about paint colors for the kitchen or something equally innocuous. Occasionally, I would keep fake reading my book, barely looking up, and just say, isn't that nice, then immediately change the subject. A few times while on a 'secret call' I would act as if I had no idea he was talking with one of them, then I would barge right in, and start a rambling conversation about absolutely nothing. Eventually he would make the calls while out of the house.
Just keep working at it. Best of luck to you!
OMG, I haven't seen you
OMG, I haven't seen you around here forever and this is a nice surprise!!
Indifference....the opposite of love. So glad you brought that out because it is the only tool I have used against a narc that worked. They want to play with you like a cat with a mouse, crazy ass little fools. May not work on the next one but it got the biggest one out of my head and allowed me to breathe...
What is up with these secret calls? AS IF the DH is not permitted contact with skid. I did the same thing you did and alas, those calls no longer happen in my presence either:)...yay me LOL!
I used to get so jealous of
I used to get so jealous of SD and DH's little private phone conversations. Drove me crazy. She was "the other woman". Things got better after she started dating, tho, and Daddy wasn't the center of her world. In fact, it drove my husband crazy that she wasn't paying attention to him. He actually was upset when she got married.
Made me realize that SD really wasn't the problem; it was DH creating their own little world that he deliberately left me out of. I learned to disengage. It's hard; sometimes I still get a little pissed but I remember it's really not her; it's him and you just can't change people like that.
Oh God do I remember that,
Oh God do I remember that, secret conversations on phone-her showing up and him leaving her $ in his car since I'm home....(that still happens). Walking outside everytime she called...like WHY? I NEVER EVER have done that w/any of my friends, family. It's just so crazy to me. "The Other Woman" that's how these 'men' set it up, as a competition- and somehow they seem to 'like' that-especially if they aren't messing around-like the excitement of being secretive of 2 women jealous of eachother is an ego boost.
They're idiotic.
This is ridiculous. I can't
This is ridiculous. I can't believe he had to make that call with you just standing around like that.
Early on, my husband pulled some stuff like this. We were on our honeymoon and SD called to cry that her mom was sued by a neighbor who tripped on her sidewalk. I was standing in a museum waiting for him to tend to SD's woes about his ex's woes.
Not surprisingly, we ended up in couples therapy. The therapist put a stop to him taking SD's calls no matter where we were or what we were doing. My SD was an adult. Yours is still fairly young. But the therapist made a good point to husband that him always answering the phone was crippling SD to the point that she relied on no one other than him when she was upset or needy, which was often.
To my husband's credit, this stopped. It never happens anymore. But it took a therapist to change this behavior because he just couldn't see it was destructive to us and to her without a third party saying it.
Does your husband call his daughter every night to say good night? That's really too much. She's 13 - not 6! All kids need to learn they are loved regardless of whether their parent is in ear shot. How will they ever go away to camp or college if they're still relying on that nightly call? It's just not healthy.
WHY do they do this?? Do
WHY do they do this?? Do they not see how idiotic they are? I want to throat punch them all.
DH would walk away, always
DH would walk away, always take the skids calls no matter where we were or what we were doing back when we first started dating. We talked about it but he couldn’t/wouldn’t see how wrong it was.
So I started to do it with every phone call I got (my kids didn’t call me, not sure why, they just didn’t)
My mom, walk away, leave the table or worse sit there and just chat.
My BFF, same thing.
Work calling, of course I have to take it, why are you even asking?
He got the message pretty quick.
We made a pact to leave our phones in the car when we went to dinner or a show or whatever. It worked for us.
I had a similar experience.
I had a similar experience. DH was just unable to NOT take a call from his grown kids. "It might be an emergency." And we live 1000 miles away from them, so what did DH think he would do if it really WAS an emergency?
After having dates and meals and even intimate moments interrupted, I would just go on about my business. "Oh, you left the table. I thought you were finished with dinner so I cleaned up." "Oh, you left the bedroom so I thought you weren't interested. Now I'M not interested." He was always so SURPRISED that I just didn't wait patiently for him so my life could go on.
This still hasn't completely stopped. Sometimes he doesn't answer at all. But usually he sees who is calling and then asks me, "is it ok if I take this call?" And my response every single time is "Up to you. I'm not your mother." When he does answer the call he first asks kid if everything is ok (because, you know, it might be an actual emergency that he needs to handle for another adult) and then he tells the kid he'll call them back. I can live with the 30 second interruption as a reasonable compromise.
I don't know, Merry. I'm old
I don't know, Merry. I'm old school. I was one of the first people I know to get a cell phone...from my employer. I still view it as an evil black Pavlov box for which I am expected to be the slobbering dog rushing to it when it rings to see if I need to drop everything to go to work. To me, it's merely a long leash that yanks me from something fun to something obligatory or worse - bad news. But that was my job and I was in a field that required me to be first on the scene when something bad happened.
Most people don't have jobs like that. My school teacher friend is a slobbering dog when her phone rings, killing herself to answer it like she's a brain surgeon with a patient on the table. I don't see her often and I resent when she acts as if she's listening to me as her eyes dart to her screen, then back at me, then to the screen, then back at me because she cannot stand to ignore it. It's pathetic. She's like a junkie. And because phones now ring for news alerts, emails, calls, messages and any number of other nonessential events, people are totally beholden to them. This stuff used to wait until we got to it. I HATE IT.
I don't stop conversations or watching TV for ringing phones, I don't stop dinner parties, and it's in my purse during social occasions. My host or guests deserve that. But apparently, I don't - I've actually been an invited guest in several homes where the host became engrossed in their phone while I'm sitting there. WTH????
So when husband and I hashed out this issue, he pulled the old, "But what if it's an emergency???" And I said, "She'll let you know in her message." Isn't that reasonable? Why does your husband have to answer the phone every time it rings, asks if it's an emergency and then say he'll call them back later? Isn't that still interrupting his life? Isn't the callback sort of...a given?
Honestly, I hate those f*****g phones so much. It is a pet peeve, so just ignore me!
ah know exactly what you are
ah know exactly what you are talking about and I've learned through the years no need not get upset about it,
If I hear these wonderful conversations between SO and Princess, about his retirement, Will, holiday plans, I turn into a silent bitch,
I simply change the holiday plans..... not my problems he promises her the moon and the stars and can't deliver and I will not allow a 18 year old to make holiday plans, sorry girl... SO still has not learned to tell her, our holiday is our holiday you are not planing it....
Then retirement and Will etc, what ever he tells her is totally not what will be, I think he's just going with her to keep her quiet, poor child will have a bad wake up call one day.
Ok, wait, your sd is what,
Ok, wait, your sd is what, 18? WHY tf? is she discussing his will/retirement w/him?
1- I don't think my kids even know about these things yet and I have two boys 16-18.
2- They do know if I pass they will be taken care off well financially
3- Typical result of adult status given to a kid, making them your equal partner/status in life. There is no reason your CHILD should have anything to do with YOUR retirement/will?!
To be fair, SD31 might have
To be fair, SD31 might have been casually asking if my husband is considering retirement anytime soon - I only heard one side of the call. But after all the water under the bridge, I still resent it!
I should probably be glad she's showing any interest in him at all. Usually his side of calls with her is just him listening and interjecting a question: "So Samantha is angry your boss isn't giving her the promotion???" It amazes me that my husband could know all the names of people in his daughter's workplace and all the office intrigue there. She is 31 and lives two hours away. WTH? Why does she think he wants to hear stuff she should be discussing with co-workers at lunch?
I guess he's her bestie! So weird for a 63-year-old man who has his own career and life to be in the weeds on this stuff. She does the same thing with gossip about her mom's family. He divorced almost two decades ago and SD is still telling him her mom's family gossip. Weird. But it's better now: SD used to do this in front of me. What the HELL was I supposed to contribute to THAT conversation? Looking back, I wished I had totally butted in and taken sides and gotten all up in that business like it was mine. That would have been fun!
My DH either worked in sales
My DH either worked in sales or in managing medical facilities where he really needed to answer calls. He used to answer ALL calls that came in no matter what. He's retired now and has learned how to ignore phone calls (even from his son).
I totally get it if that's
I totally get it if that's your work - that was my work at one time. I hated it, but part of my job was answering the very occasional emergency call and responding. That's different than answering every call from your mother, your kid, your husband...whoever.