What?! Why the hell are these grown women camping out at their father's every weekend? And bringing their sister who is not DH's kid? Do they live with BM? What pleasure do they get from cramming into your DH's tiny apartment every weekend?  I thought you were going to say you had a nice pool or something, but nope.

This would be a total deal breaker for me. Why did you agree to marry him with this going on?

Why are you living in a 2 bedroom/1 bath apartment if there are 3 or 4 skids coming to stay every single weekend?   Have they all been cramming into that little space for years, or did you and your DH move into a new place?  Does his court order for the youngest skid provide for every weekend visitation, or is this something that's worked out separately?  (Frankly, I could never tolerate every weekend visitation - that seems like the worst of all worlds).  If you've been with your DH for 3 years, how is this any kind of surprise to you? 

More importantly, what is wrong with his two oldest daughters that they want to hang out at dad's little apartments every weekend?  Don't they have jobs/friends/lives outside of their parents?  That's just odd.

If your husband isn't willing to change the status quo, and it's not acceptable to you (heck, it would not be for me!) then you'll need to make the changes.  I'd suggest an exit plan or a separate place for you and your daughter to spend weekends.

We lived separately up until a few months ago.  Made the decision to get a two bedroom for my DD and his youngest when she comes over. 

If the two of you made this decision together, then he needs to explain to his two oldest that visitation weekends are over. He agreed to downsize, which means he knows that they are too old for visitation. Visits, such as dinner or whatnot occasionally, but no overnights, and certainly not entire weekends.

The daughter of the ex-wife, who is not even you husband's kid, needs to stay home. Although, if you don't mind her coming occasionally, I guess that's your business.

Put your foot down, now, before this goes on for years or before the two oldest come to stay and never leave (move in). Don't let them get comfortable, there.

It seems he's just continuing a visitation schedule from when they were younger -- and it seems you have been gracious about it so far. So that's good for both of you -- it's a nice thing and it would be a shame to wreck it because your husband is unwilling to compromise a little. I had to set boundaries regarding my SD's visitation. The good thing is you've been doing this for long enough to probably know exactly how you'd like things to be -- I say you carefully put that scenario to your husband and let him bite the bait.

The distinction your husband needs to hear is, "Look, to you, they're your daughters. To me, they are houseguests. Neither of us is wrong. We must find a compromise."

You can be gentle when you say it -- you don't dislike adults SDs, but you just don't know them the way he does and not even having bedrooms for them makes it all the more difficult for you to feel comfortable around them instead of packed in a little tin can with them.

If he's reasonable, he'll at least concede that the sleeping arrangements are not ideal. That becomes you're in for forcing the compromise.

Likewise, if the plan was to downsize, then any reasonable person would have assumed there would not be people sleeping in the only common space in the whole apartment all weekend, every weekend. What a hassle for everyone!

THis is another place where you can force compromise: "Honey, if you wanted all your kids with us every weekend, you should not have agreed to downsize. This sleeping arrangement isn't working for every weekend visitation, so we can move or we can agree to change the visits, but we aren't going on like this."

When you speak, speak gently, but with the message loud and clear: We aren't going on like this. See if he's willing to compromise anywhere. But before you have the talk, make sure you know exactly what you are willing to live with so you know where to aim when negotiating compromise. Know what you want at the end of that discussion and make it clear, but keep reinforcing that he agreed to downsize so he can't pull the "you just hate my kids" card.

He might become angry or otherwise emotional when you have this talk with him because he will probably immediately want to blame you for hating his kids. When you see that happening, say very brightly, "Well, I was thinking a good way to handle it might be to..." Then give him the ready-made solution that is FAIR to all -- that scenario you'd like to see with the adult skid visitation in the future. Be fair -- If you try to take too much, he'll bulk. But rather than get emotional (men hate getting emotional), he might concede to whatever solution you suggest that will avoid conflict (if he's like my husband) as long as it doesn't rattle him too much.

I'd suggest your solution be a sweeping one that gives you some control over your household. If you say the adult Skids only come over once a month, he'll bulk. If you say only twice a month, that's still a helluva lot of visits for you to endure. So say something like, "Not more than twice a month and we agree they'll call to ask if they can stay the weekend by Wednesday of that week or we will assume they are NOT coming so we can make our own weekend plans."

He's going to give you a bunch of shit that kids shouldn't have to ask permission to come to see their father. This is where you remind him that you are not their father, but they will be seeing you too. And they are coming to your house too. "We are a family now, we share living space now, so what you decide affects me. So let's decide together."

If you try to show your husband that someone made a decision that you knew nothing about (downsizing AND allowing his adult kids to still spend every weekend at your place) but that greatly affects you, you might be able to persuade him to compromise.

Read this board for some strength - you will need to go toe-to-toe with Disney Dad.

The younger kiddos, Im assuming share a room. I read that this union is recent - time to start laying down the law that this is YOUR sacred space. Start establishing yourself as queen of the queendome.

When I first moved in, I was hesitant to lay down certain rules and ask for things to be done as far as cleaning up after themelves, so I started to get resentful. By the time I would ask, I would have an angry edge. I try not to let myself get to that point now. Plus - rules like - no eating in the living room, eat at the dining room. Everyone cleans up after themselves.

Now the 20-somethings -are they not working JOBS? Do they not have lisence and CARS? Dadee is enabling them, big time and if you do not do somthing drastic and make things REALLY uncomrtable, then things will not CHANGE for you.

You have tried approaching them like the young ADULTS they are. Time to get serious, and 'open that can of whoopa$$'

Sure, they are welcome, but not as weekend campers.

I don't blame you for not being happy about having your home overrun every weekend, but I'm confused as to why you thought that downsizing was goiong to work?  He obviously wants them over.. so was it maybe you that thought that it would stop?

Not certain why you or DH thought this would work.  I think you need to tell him, unless he is willing to get them to visit less,  you guys need a bigger place.  Whether it is reasonable that  he wants them to come over or not,  it is not working. 

Your H needed to shut this down from the beginning. The 1st time his daughters half sibling came it needed to be addressed. Now that she has stayed several times he has set the precedent that it's ok. Also telling his older daughters to come visit every other weekend as he has other things planned would help your situation. Your H is not taking control of any of this and is simply just allowing it all to happen with no boundaries. His lack of inaction is making you resentful and you need to communicate it to him again in a way that he understands that this arrangement is not making you happy and something needs to change NOW.

Give him a deadline to see how he will handle this and if he doesn't I'd make new living arrangements for you and yours.

I'm sure BM is just as sick of them as you are!  And when she sends the 8 year old, she is FREE!   

Maybe DH and BM could work on a plan to help them get an apartment together, like normal young people.

Start making their visits very uncomfortable.  Don't buy any snacks.  Snacks you do buy for yourself and your daughter, hide in your room.  Take the TV out of the living room or cut the cable bill, forget to pay it, whatever it takes.  Lose the remote.  Be extremly passive agressive.  Turn off the air, tell them you are trying to save money with everyone constantly hanging out.  Walk around in your bra and panties, lounge on the couch that way in front of them.  Whatever you need to do to make them not want to come back!

This whole story is wild to me. What 20/22 year old Bio or Skid WANTS to sleep/sit on their parents couch all weekend? I can't even wrap my head around it.

The 8-yr old BM non-Skid blows me away - what is DH saying about that kid coming over? Is the BM paying DH money for that kid (food, etc.) while she's with you?? If not that needs to stop this weekend, it's only a few days away!!

Why did you move into a two bedroom apartment when he has a 13 yo and a 20:yo  you expect them not to visit there father.  You are not being fair.   Move into a bigger place.  You move into a small place so the kids would not come over.  Why do you think you are going to be that lucky.  

Wtf, they're adults, not little kiddies coming over for visitation. Haven't they got their own lives to lead? And why is thaf other kid coming over? You've basically got some random child descending on your home every weekend, as well as 2 grown ass adults who clearly have nothing better to do? Fuck that.

Jesus Christ, screw passive-aggressive acts, screw leaving your own home for the weekends. These are adults and it's time for the relationship between them and their father to change accordingly. The time of them hanging out at dad's, laying all over the living room, watching Netflix, acting like children on visitation, is over.

Your husband needs to man up, he's not living in a bachelor pad with an open door policy. He is married, now. Your feelings and needs need to be taken into consideration. He made vows, no?

If this is truly the life your husband wants to live, you and your daughter should get your own apartment. This is not what you signed up for.

Free babysitting for an 8-year-old that isn't even his. Wow- I'm just speechless ove rthat. BM's got some brass balls, doesn't she?

I am so struggling with my 2 step children, they come to the house ever other weekend, when I know they are coming to the house I change completely, I become a total bitch,I am awful to my husband,I say horrible things, to tell you the truth I would rather not be here when they come,I have tried many times to change how I feel but cannot, I hate myself for my behaviour.  I feel so bad for my husband because he gets on with my grown up kids,one of which lives with us.