Help; How to deal with an evil mother
hello, I am so glad that i found this site, hopefully there's someone out there that can help with my situration. I have be a Step-mom for almost two years now and here in the last year our family has been though hell and back and then back to hell. Last year some time my step-daughter who is now 6 years old had started telling us that she want to come live with her daddy and me, so my husband and I started to get our ducks in a row to file for physical custody. Well the mother didn't like that very much and decided to get a DNA test which suprized the hell out of us. Well come to find out that my husband; who got married to this women and supported this child and raised her as his for the past 5 years as his child, is not the bio-parent someone eles is and that person doesn't want to be a part of this childs life. Well so during court all of his joint custody got taken away and we now have visitation rights. Since court in June my step-daughter has been force to call my husband by his first name and no longer daddy and we can't seem to talk to her anymore on the phone. I feel so much for this child for it seems like her own mother doesn't care about this child and just wants to hurt my husband and our family. This child has been told mean things like she not allowed to love her grandma or even talk to her if she were to see her in the store. There has to be more negitive things because the child doesn't want to talk to us about her home life which is because her mother lives a very secret life from the rest of the world and communation is not there in the home.
I have no clue what to do for the child and my family. We don't get to see her very much and now we don;t even get to talk with her on the phone 
I miss her very much and I dont know how to provide what this little girl needs to hear or for us to do. She still tells us that she wants to live with us when she is older and can talk to the judge herself but that's still so time and I don't know if the mother won't force us totally out of her life. I get very upset with this situration because there seeems to be no justice for this child in court, plus the mother goes into court and lies her butt off. I have so many questions and My biggest one is what would be the best long term thing to do? Cuz Long term I don't know if it would be better for the child to not visit with us and my family because then she won't be hearing all the negitive stuff about us or if we should continue to fight and see the child and just suck up the bad feelings with all the depression? So maybe some one out there can help me, I hope.
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WE have court ordered
WE have court ordered visitation so she HAS to give us visitation,but if it was up to the mother we wouldn't see the child at all. The law here in VA states that only bio-parents can have custody of any kind. We were paying child support but that stopped because my husband is not the bio-parent and in VA u are not required to pay support if you are not the bio-parent. The mother seems to just want to move on with her life but she was the one who lied to my husband and family about this paternity thing and now the child is the one who is still suffering, which sucks the most
How heartbreaking ! I feel
How heartbreaking ! I feel so bad for children that have parents who can't see beyond their own manipulating ways to care enough to protect them.
Its a tough call to know what's right. I would lean toward making sure the child knows you arent' giving up on her. And I think all you can do is let the child know over and over that no matter what you care about her. Even if names and situations change she is still a part of your life. While it might be easier in the short term for a child if you backed away, I think the long term would be life changing to loose what stability you bring to her life.
Good luck !
". I have so many questions
". I have so many questions and My biggest one is what would be the best long term thing to do? Cuz Long term I don't know if it would be better for the child to not visit with us and my family because then she won't be hearing all the negitive stuff about us or if we should continue to fight and see the child and just suck up the bad feelings with all the depression"
This is very sad...but honestly I really think in the long run, what is best for the you guys and the child is to let her go and start your lives w/just you, possibly children of your own.
The poisoning won't stop, only worsen-he already doesn't have legal ties, no cs, just visitation-the mom will damage the kid more everytime she visits you. He's not the dad-heartbreaking but I would cut ties now that she's younger and has time to heal. Unfortunately her life will turn out how her mom raises her-you and your man cannot control this. As for how to go about doing this (cutting ties)...I don't know but I really do believe it's best.
I'm in a similar situation so I do understand-pm me if you want.
This sucks for you and your
This sucks for you and your husband. Another BM detroying a child for her own selfish reasons. But, I do agree with the others and it may be the best thing to cut ties now so the child has a chance to heal. The BM will never let you have a normal relationship. For her sake, it may be the best thing you can do as much as it hurts. Poor kid. I would wait until she is older and then try to reach out again if you wanted to, but for now, step out of her life.
If you have court ordered
If you have court ordered visitation, I would definitley keep seeing the child. At least she can come to your home and see you and her father (regardless if it's blood or not, he is her father) and have some peace while she's there. It will get easier as she gets older because she'll realize she can call her dad "dad" if she wants to especially while at his home, she'll learn to disregard the negative things that are said about you and your family, and might even stick up for you. Also, when she's old enough to have her own phone you'll be able to talk to her a lot more.
It sounds to me like this little girl needs as much love as she can get so why deny her that? Kids are resilient and in the end she will be very happy you stuck around. I think it would utterly break her heart if you both stopped seeing her. It would be very emotionally traumatizing. Much more so than dealing with the negativity her mother is spewing forth.
Believe me, I know it's hard but stick this one out. She'll be happy she has a dad down the road who stuck by her side and a step-mother who loves her.
To possibly make things easier, you both should be as nice as possible to the BM. Do the right thing with her instead of getting caught up in her game and bs. Don't talk negatively about her in front of your SD and just try to be the peace keepers. I whole heartedly believe that is the best and right thing to do and that God/the Universe/Karma (whatever you want to call it) will reward you for that.
A quote that I read on a website about Parental Alienation Syndrome has stuck with me. A father fighting for custody who won against his ex said, "I don't know how to make things better with the birth mother but I do know how to make them worse." He was the peacekeeper and eventually proved that the bm was an unfit parent. I would keep that in mind as well. Even though VA law says that your DH can't have custody, if the BM at any point starts getting really bad and is obviously an unfit parent he could still fight for adoption.
I feel for you and your family. Your SD just needs you to be loving and caring and to stay in her life. Hopefully and most likely it will get easier.
Thanks for all the advise. I
Thanks for all the advise. I still don't really know what to do other then not to center our lifes around the drama with the BM. She is curel and I can only hope that our girl will see her for who she really is one day. The BM is getting ready to have another baby with her current husband and I can Hope that this will give her something eles to work herself up about and Then quits trying so bad to hurt our girl. I can Hope Right. But I think that i will enjoy the visits that we get and not worry about the time inbetween, which is hard to do.For this little girl does come to us and says things like she wants to live with us when she gets older and can talk to the judge herself. I have been hosent with her from day one and I don't sugercoat what happens in court. I try hard not to bad mouth the BM but I do tell my SD that her mother is a lier and is unhappy because she contines to not anwser the phone when we call. Sometimes I wish that I could tell her what a mother should be acting like and not the selfish mother who puts her needs first but I'm not sure that doing that would even help.
The best way to tell her what
The best way to tell her what a mother should act like is to not tell her but show her...as I'm sure you already do.
Even though it's the hardest thing in the world, I've found that when I stop fighting, my step-son's BM stops eventually too. We don't let her walk all over us but we don't play her games either. I'm actually nice to her and it's great because it's the right thing to do and it drives her insane!
Good luck. I wish you peace in your situation soon.
Thanks for The advise
Thanks for The advise everyone. This situration is diffcult and even more difficult to make a decsion on what to do extracly. I know that this little girl is hurting and that we don't get to be in her life as much as anyone really wants but what can i do about this, nothing but worry less and try to not think about how this child is suffering. I still have no clue what would be the best in this situration because my husband is so confused on what to do, that it makes my choice even harder. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue this battle or just let them both go; When it comes to me I really have to start asking these questions for the simple fact of having a child on the way I don't want to be upset around my little one and be aguring about this situration around my child and even more so around my step-daughter. I really have to big decsions to be making here soon and Have NO CLUE what direction to turn to.