It's so sad when they are so caught up in themselves that they fail to see the humanity in their own father and at least offer some words of compassion before his surgery. 

I'm sorry that you're left dealing with the fallout from this. 

These same shit spawn will be sobbing on their knees at the services, then have their sharpened horns bared at the will reading.

Funerals in our world, my family, are celebrations of life and not grief emersion and look at meeeeeeeee sobbing fests.  Lots of smiles, laughs, stories.  Estate settlement is always simple as well as Wills are in place and executors are named.  

In my IL clan, things are a bit  more convoluted as there is usually some dirtbag stealing things as the deceased is being uplugged.  The services are celebrations, the undercurrents are tangiable and the polarization is only covered by the facade of approriateness.

Unfortunately, no one will drag the theiving dirtbags to account.  This is a multigenrational thing on both sides of my IL clan.  When my FILs mother died, his sister cleaned out her house though FIL was the executor.  He chose to just let it go.  I would not have.  When FIL died, SIL claimed that valuables that were left to MIL, DW, BIL1 & BIL2 FIL had given to her.  She still has not surrendered most of those.  No no one will put her crook ass in jail for it.  I would.

MIL was very hesitatant to address SIL's crap in the Will. DW insisted explaining that if it was not done in the Will that as executor she would have to sue her own sister.  The Aunt, is a record diva. She keeps and tracks everything. SIL "sold" a truck for the Aunt then kept most of it claining that she only got what she had given to the Aunt.  The Aunt is extremely well networked in the community, with law enforcement, and with several state agencies. She knew before the paperwork was submitted by the buyer how much SIL had sold it for.  SIL also "bought" a truck from Aunt and her deceased DH and never paid them.  SIL has told everyone that the Aunt and Uncle had "given" her the truck as a wedding gift.  Nope. When confronted.... "Oh, (dead  uncle did), aunt doesn't know about it."   SIL also "borrowed" competition match grade fire arms from FIL.  Those were to go to BIL1 and BIL2.  SIL tearfully proclaims that "daddy gave them to us (he and her DH).  

Because of this ostrich mode & Emperor's New Clothes willful cluelessness, the dirtbag gets what they were intended to get and what some others were intended to get.  I call them out publicly which sends the whole IL clan into blank stare mode.  They are about the facade rather than reality.  I, tolerate no crooked shit.  I may not be able to collect the stolen goods but I make sure the thief has their ass bared repeatedly and I do it when everyone else is within ear shot.  

Meanwhile at a IL clan family gathering: "Hey SIL, did you ever give the rifles your dad left to your brothers to your brothers?  Hmmmm?  When is that going to happen."  

SIL turns purple &  bursts into tears. Everyone else ducks and covers.

My DW is the executrix of her mother's estate and her aunt's.  She has a legal responsibility to recover assets that belong to the estate for equitable distribution to the heirs.  SIL is a nasty crook and has been for decades.  When MIL and her sister pass, DW would have to press charges and sue.  The facade is so important that MIL and Aunt have updated their Wills working with my DW to stipulate that SIL has already received her inheritance and will receive nothing more.   Which will cause a shit storm of tears, woe is me, nobody loves me, y'all need to share bullshit from her.  DW.. .has the documents outlining the theiving crap SIL has done including the value.  However, if what SIL has stolen exceeds the value of the equity shares going to all other heirs (DW, BIL1 and BIL2 for MIL) and (DW, BIL1, BIL2, and 3 cousins for the Aunt) then .....   The estate will take legal action against SIL.  Letting them steal up to the amount of their share of the estate is one thing.  Stealing beyond that... game on.

Though it will gut my DW to have to deal with all of that and sue her sister if it comes to that, she will, and she will do it as agressively as is necessary to perform her duties.   I will be breaking my no carb model and popping a bale of popcorn (butter and OldBay of course) to watch the show. In my mind anyway. In reality, I will be at DW's side and provide whatever support she needs. 

DW's cousins will be all bowed right next to DW protecting their interests against SIL's theiving crap.  BIL1 and BIL2 will likely just ignore it all publically but do the talking behind the backs of whoever is currently pissing them off at any given time.  Once the estates settle, SIL will pout and cry until the end of time.  Everyone else, will be very quiet and do some home remodeling or acquiring a fresh vehicle. Wich will just rub SIL's nose in her stench. As she should experience.

IMHO of course.

 "set the doctors straight."  Right, Mr. Dropout is going to take on a neurosurgeon.\

My IL clan has this trait as well.  My DW generally does not, until she speaks with her sibs and mom. Then she picks us some of it as well.

 I remind her that people who barely graduated from HS are entirely unqualifed to declare a professional incompetent or set any professional straight in the realm of that professional's profession.

DW is a graduate degreed CPA.  I remind her that she does not tolerate it when her idiot sibs pull their idiot crap around taxes.  Then I ask her why it is any different when they try the same crap with medical professionals regarding health care?  This happened with my DW sibs when FIL passed.  I had to pull BIL1, BIL2, and SIL aside and jerk a knot in their tails that their mother and their sister do not need to be hearing their ignorant bullshit about how the docs and nurses killed FIL or how if the docs and nurses had done XYZ instead of LMNOP, FIL would not have died.  No cognition that the man had been on home dialysis for years because he did not take his BP meds (too expensive), had two bypass surgeries that his body had absorbed, had multiple 90%+ blockages, had two sets of replacement hips, and multiple shower strokes preceeding his demise from heart failure.  I had been engaging him for years on the criticality of taking his meds, retiring and not violating his income restrictions while on SSDI, etc, etc, etc....  Reminding my DW's sibs of all of that... makes me mean and none of that matters because... the docs and nurses killed him.

Yep, of course they did.

 "set the doctors straight."  Right, Mr. Dropout is going to take on a neurosurgeon.\

My IL clan has this trait as well.  My DW generally does not, until she speaks with her sibs and mom while they are all in their "the docs, nurses are idiots" cycle. Then she picks us some of it as well.

 I remind her that people who barely graduated from HS are entirely unqualifed to declare a professional incompetent or set any professional straight in the realm of that professional's profession.

DW is a graduate degreed CPA.  I remind her that she does not tolerate it when her idiot sibs pull their idiot crap around taxes.  Then I ask her why it is any different when they try the same crap with medical professionals regarding health care?  This happened with my DW's sibs when FIL passed.  I had to pull BIL1, BIL2, and SIL aside and jerk a knot in their tails that their mother and their sister do not need to be hearing their ignorant bullshit about how the docs and nurses killed FIL or how if the docs and nurses had done XYZ instead of LMNOP, FIL would not have died.  No cognition that the man had been on home dialysis for years because he did not take his BP meds (too expensive), had two bypass surgeries that his body had absorbed, had multiple 90%+ blockages, had two sets of replacement hips, and multiple shower strokes preceeding his demise from heart failure.  I had been engaging him for years on the criticality of taking his meds, retiring and not violating his income restrictions while on SSDI, etc, etc, etc....  Reminding my DW's sibs of all of that... makes me mean and none of that matters because... the docs and nurses killed him.

Yep, of course they did.

I'm sorry, Merry. It's hard to watch the men we love be ignored by their kids.

Your DH is lucky to have you.

Wishing for your dh surgery to be a success and for his recovery to be quick. 

Please let us know how you are doing next week, IF you have time, ok?

This is hard to witness. My heart broke a little more after DH's major surgery when he acknowledged how crappy his kids had behaved before, during, and after, and how ulterior motives about certain things were so obvious. We both thought the skids could at least act like decent humans for a short period during an unusual circumstance. No such luck. 

Hoping all goes well with the upcoming surgery. 

My heart goes out to you and DH, especially during his surgery. Super stressful.

Yep, SD Feral Forger and SD Powersulk neither really work towards a relationship. Im sad for him on one side, but on the other I see how it happened over time. Of course Im the one to blame, the easy scapegoat, but withdrawing as I have, really makes it easier for me. It doesnt hurt, because Im not to blame.