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watching another family's vacation

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 11:41am

I am "on vacation" this week with DH and stepkids, SS8 and SD6. It has been really rough. SD hurt her leg while playing outside, and she hasn't been talking much and has been clinging nonstop to DH (usually SD and I are a team and we do things together). SD hasn't wanted to come near me, barely talks to me and seems really jealous when DH pays any attention to me. SS has been behaving terribly: demanding toys and time, talking back to DH, screaming randomly at the top of his lungs and not listening at all. Due to the extreme heat, we are spending a lot of time inside with movies, and during movies the kids take either side of their father on one side of the sofa, leaving me alone on the other.

I am so lonely, and I feel like I am watching another family on vacation. I also feel like I have no say in how we spend our days. I think I am coming to the realization that I will never really be a part of this family, regardless of all the years that we have been together.

Comments

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 11:47am

This sounds exactly how I felt when BF and I took his 10 yo daughter to an amusement park on Father's Day. I found myself wondering why I came. That trip only lasted a day, so I can't imagine what its like for you. No advice, but I can relate. Did you think about calling any members of your own family-parents, siblings, etc. It might go a long way just to remind yourself that you are loved in those moments when DH might not be able to do it.

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 11:53am

Yes, thanks -- and it is funny, because it is during these family vacations (or long weekends, or whatever) that I am totally in touch with my own family, which always makes them suspicious that i am just calling THEM because I feel lonely.

The annoying thing is DH really hates it when I do anything away from the family, but when I'm with them I'm totally excluded. Such a crazy dynamic.

stepsoftly's picture

Submitted by stepsoftly on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 1:02pm

I know what you mean -- I have felt just the same now that sd8 is on summer break and daddy does so much fun stuff designed for them together, while I sit by and watch. Two things have worked for me: Plan something with my own family and friends, or actively take SD out and do something with her just the two of us. In your case that sounds hard cause of SS Sad

Does your DH know he is excluding you? He shouldn't be creating situations where you are the odd one out. But he just may not "get it" at all, or not realize how you are feeling. Maybe ask him to do specific, concrete things, like ask you to sit by him instead of the kids, or plan an activity that includes you. if you ask him to do something vague like "be more considerate" well, he is a guy, he may not know what you mean or not know what to do to make that happen.

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 1:05pm

yeah, he sort of gets it. i notice that from time to time he makes a big effort to include me...but he is a guy, and so the whole empathy gene seems to be missing from time to time.

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 12:03pm

I don't know if this would work for you or not...Have you tried taking vacations with other families? My Dad, Stepmother, and 2 sisters always invite us on vacation and when DH wants to stick his head up SS's butt, I always have my family to fall back on. We have also gone on vacations with friends too, and it works even better, I can drink with my friends, lol. Wink

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 1:04pm

that is an excellent idea! i love it. i guess we need to find some family friends...i'm in a weird situation where i literally have no (ZERO) girlfriends with children -- all of my female friends are living exciting, single NYC lifestyles...and DH really doesn't have friends with kids, either...but one of my resolutions is to find families with moms that I like to hang around with.

thanks for the suggestion -- really good.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

Submitted by Soon-to-be-Step... on Wed, 07/07/2010 - 3:48pm

I've been with my BF 5 years.....and STILL feel like an outsider when FSD7 is around. Because no matter what....BF ultimately caters to FSD's every want and need. Whether it be where we go, what we eat, or what we watch on tv. She pretty much rules the roost. And I come in 3rd. Almost always....:(