New member, but I've been reading the forums for a few months.

I'm 3 things. As far as parenting goes. I'm a stay-at-home, work-mostly-from-home, full time mom to my daughter with DH. She's 2. I have a 5 year old son who lives with his dad. He comes by 3 weekends per month, alternating extended holiday visits, and for the month of July. I've had to deal with a lot of inaccurate judgements (from complete strangers, usually) for being a non-custodial mom, but the fact is, my son's father has a lot more money and I did what was best for him (while getting it shoved in my face constantly by BD).

And while it's not "on paper," I consider DH's 6 year old daughter my stepdaughter. Why? Because she lives in my house and I take care of her just the same as my own children. DH works a lot, and she's an absolute ANGEL when he's not here. She plays with her little sister and makes her giggle, she helps me fold laundry (without being asked), she helps pick up after little sis, she cleans up after herself, she gets dressed (quite stylishly I might add), teeth/hair brushed, all before I'm even far enough out of my early morning stupor to ask. Lol. She's smart, beautiful, and as polite and charming as all get out...when she wants to be.

I'm jealous. Girlfriend can turn on the charm like a tap. I appreciate that, because she does it during playdates and lunch dates with friends who also have kids. I can't front like that.

Problem? It goes from day to NIGHT when DH is home.

Let me give you a little back story first.

In early 2011, before she was even two, BM wouldn't let DH see her and had no reason why. BM married someone else shortly after her and DH "broke up" (they were never married) and the guy was a little...nuts. Killed her cat with his bare hands by breaking it's neck. A baby cat. Trashed their house and broke all of the dishes, smashed walls, etc. This was provoked because he got it in his head that DH and BM were still screwing. They weren't. But that's crazy people for ya! So DH at the time told BM she could sleep on the couch at his place until she figured something out, because he wanted his daughter to be safe. Great guy, right?

Fast forward to me getting involved. I'd known DH since the mid 90s, we actually dated for a while in high school and then went our seperate ways when we hit college. Well, we started talking again - about his drama with BM and her DH, about my BD and his subsequent wall-smashing temper, etc (my BD and SD's stepdad would really hit it off, i think). I started going over to his house and hanging out. I didn't care if she was staying there or not. They broke up. Whatever. But she started getting uncomfortable with me being there. So he started coming to my place. She didn't like that and started trash talking me to my now MIL (who thinks i'm awesome BTW).

I think when she moved back in with DH she kind of saw him as a "dick in a glass case," someone who she could fall back on, and a meal ticket. He was respectful enough to tell her that he and I were starting to feel serious. That's when she went nuts. She moved back in with the psycho husband and started withholding SD6 from DH. Then she skipped town (12 hours away to her husband's home state). Lawyers were hired, injunctions were filed, things were worked out/agreed upon (albeit forcefully on her end). But in the end, he and his toddler daughter went for almost 6 months without seeing each other. She cited "safety reasons" as the reason for withholding her. How fucking ironic considering she willfully moved herself and her daughter back in with her violent husband.

And when she came back she was a textbook example of a child with attachment issues, even at 2. She didn't want me near him, touching him, talking to him, anything. Which I was totally understanding about. Poor baby hadn't seen her dad in 6 months. I'm surprised she even remembered him.

But now? It's been years. We all thought she'd grow out of it by now. But it's worse, because after the agreement, BM moved permanently out of state and we maintained a 50/50 schedule until she started kindergarten. Now, she lives with her mom for the school year, and is back here for a week here, a week there for holidays, and is also here for summer break.

And when DH is home...oi vey. She won't come out of her room until HE is awake. She will follow him to the bathroom and wait outside the door. And then want to hold hands as they walk to the kitchen where I - forever on top of my game - have already fed my daughter and could have fed her too had she not been so co-dependent. She interrupts any and all conversations he and I try to have. After a few requests from both of us for her to be more respectful, he finally just has to tell her to straight up shut her mouth and that she's not the only person in this house. She tries to refuse to get dressed/cleaned up without his help. I call her out and say she does this without me even asking when he's at work, and he has her do it herself, which results in screaming tantrums because she "can't get her socks on." ??? Really ??? And that's just the tip of the iceberg with her.

This is horrible to say, but I am worried about what goes on at BMs, with her stepdad. She asks DH if they can shower together. She asks him to spank her. She tries to ..i don't know, almost seductively pose around him, and on his lap, and she tries to touch him. He says no to all of this of course but thinks it's "normal" and doesn't want to "make waves" with BM. I don't think it's normal! I want to make waves! But she's not my kid and I feel absolutely powerless. I really hope I'm wrong. Tell me I'm wrong. I didn't act fucking sexual with my dad - ever - let alone with anyone - at age 6.

The attachment issues really irk me because nobody who is "actually" related to her is doing a damn thing about it. I think therapy would be a great idea - hell, I talk to a therapist in order to cope with BD in a healthy way for the next 13 years. It's a good thing. DH doesn't want to put her in therapy because he doesn't want her to think something is wrong with her. Le sigh. I don't either. I care about her, and I want her to feel safe and loved and get the attention she needs - without her being starved starved starved for more. It completely changes our family dynamic when she comes to stay and honestly interferes with my daily routine. When she's gone, I look forward to DHs days off, but when she's here, I dread them, because of the way she acts when he's here.

I take care of her. I feed her, I help her bathe, I clothe her (I. I. got her ALL. of her clothes. and always do). I read to her, I take her to do things. My whole family treats her as our own. My MOM takes her to do things. I treat her just the same as my own children - and maybe even a little better, because I don't know, maybe I feel like I have something to prove to DHs family? MIL actually called me on the phone to tell me she thinks I'm doing an AWESOME job with the kids and that I'm worth my weight in gold (and my value seems to keep going up every time I can't resist Entenman's chocolate donuts). FIL says the same. But why can't I be the good guy for a day? Why can't I play video games with the kids? Sometimes I feel like that's all DH does with them. The FUN stuff. While I do the time-outs and the reprimanding and the cleaning and the meal cooking and the nagging and the laundry.

If I keep going, this is never going to end. But please someone reassure me she's not getting fucking molested. I don't know if reassurance from people online will get rid of this sinking feeling in my gut. But it's worth a shot. Should we send DCFS? I tend to think that's the worst thing for families, and I'm not sure what it would prove. But maybe some advice (kind or not, i can't control that) from some more "seasoned" step parents will help.

What kind of attention is she going to be starved for 10 years from now at this rate? Hmmm...