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Looking for Reasons to be Mad (FIXED POST)

lemonlime's picture

Ok. I think I fixed it. PLEASE IGNORE MY PREVIOUS POST. 

So my original post is like... 4 pages long. I wrote it last night after the events and it was very therapuetic for me to vent that way. However, due to the length, it won't allow me to post it. I'll try to make it short. 

So, last night, I got into a ridiculous argument with my bf's kids' mom whom we'll call Lisa. She started it. She came up to me, and went off. From 0-100. The reason for this petty outburst was that I had posted a picture of her daugher (and mine) onto my FB and she claimed I did not brush her hair. After repeatedly telling her I had in fact brushed it into a ponytail after telling K (her daughter) to shower because I was going to take a picture and because I showered my daughter as well. I wanted them to both look cute. The kids (K and her brother) went on to play on their scooters before I took the picture. K's hair got messy, because duh. My bf fixed it as best as he could. My daughter's hair was messy as it could get considering she didn't play outside and she has 18month old baby very thin very fine ALMOST NO HAIR. She has just enough to put into a tiny pony tail. I posted the picture, Lisa's half sister (don't know why the hell I had her as a friend) saw said picture and, for some stupid reason only people who (alarmingly) care so much about looks, sent a screen shot to Lisa to which Lisa responded ridiculously to. Lisa refused to get it through her head that I had tried my best to brush it. I put it in a high fanned out pony tail. (K has very thick frizzy curly hair and she had not washed it as she had washed it the day before). I am not good at doing elaborate hairstyles. I know how to do simple braids and ponytails. All I ever do to my hair is a ponytail that ends up looking extremely wild within the hour with flyaways all over. I brushed her damn hair. I did a damn ponytail. Stop repeating to me that you get that I brushed it but then proceed to tell me to brush it better. 

You see, what I found out at the end of this argument (I just rolled up the window and had my bf drive away) was that what Lisa wanted to get out of this argument was for me to apologize (for fucking what? Brushing her hair but apparently not in a way that was good enough for Lisa?) tell her I understood what she wanted, repeat to her word for word what she was telling me, and agree I would do what she wanted. She literally told me with arms crossed, head cocked to the side, and a pursed lip smile "Tell me what I just said" The absolute nerve of this woman. She may be 10 years older than me and used to getting her way with her kids and possibly her boyfriends, used to "intimidating" others, but to me she is a lunatic with actual behaviorial problems that she needs to see a therapist about.She also argued about something that happened 3 years ago. I made soup, her autistic son didn't like it. We had him eat some so as not to send him to bed starving. I had made it again the next day because there was nothing else and we all wanted some. We had him eat some again, he was crying because he didn't want any, but like I said we had nothing else. We rewarded him with a carmel sundae after and he even exclaimed "That actually wasn't that bad." Lisa yelled at me "He's autistic! Do you even know how to deal with autistic kids! You need to learn how to deal with autisitc kids! If you're going to make something new you have to teach him about it 2 weeks in advanced!" This is hilarious. Because even she does not have her life together enough to know what the hell she is going to make for dinner 2 weeks in advanced. I don't even know what I'm going to make for dinner the morning of. My bf and I even told her, "Wow. It's like you've forgotten you used to wake him early in the morning after he had wet his bed to force him to take cold showers. It's like you've forgotten that you used to lock yourself and your boyfriend in your room without checking up on the kids when they'd stay with you. It's like you've forgotten you didn't defend your son when you're boyfriend would get mad at him for rocking back and forth (coping mechanism) in the car." It's like she had forgotten she used to full-force punch her pregnant belly and say "I want this asshole out of me!". Of course, this last part I did not mention. But can you say deflecting much??? And as for the hair issue. It's like she's completely forgotten she'll oftentimes send them over unbathed, hair messy, clothes dirty, teeth unbrushed, and bellys empty. Nah. But me? The one who tried her best? The one who has no legal obligations to these kids? The one who doesn't have to do anything for these kids but does so because she wants to? I'm in the wrong? haha please. 

I really think she's just frustrated with her life. She tried to move to PR with the kids but my bf put in a motion in the court and because it took so long she had no option but to stay. She got kicked out of her apartment because she couldn't make payments and is temporarily living with my bf's mom. Shit happens. I don't look down on her for any of this it's a sad situation. But maybe she feels she currently has no control of her life and saw this stupid invalid chance to try to take control of me and do as she says. Not today, hon. I've decided if there's a next time, I won't engage. I'll let her talk. And when she's done I'll say, "If you want something done your way, then do it at home before you send them over. Brush their hair, make sure their bathed, make sure their teeth are brushed, make sure their clothes are clean, make sure you've fed them THEN send them over. Otherwise, either don't send them or live with how I do things." I think that's fair, right? I get she's the mother but as long as I'm not hurting them or their safety is in question, she has no right to oblige me to do things her way. Or am I wrong? 

TheRightThing's picture

Well I would have personally shut that down the second it started. 

Bm tried to yell at me once, in the street. I shut her down, told her that there was absolutely no reason to involve me at all, we are not friends, any concerns or conversations about her child need to be conducted with the childs father not me. Told her in no uncertain terms if she wants to have a screaming match in the street I would happily oblige but warned her she had considerable more dirty laundry than me or my husband. Told her this was now my home town and she has no ability to make me do a damn thing. If she wants me to ignore her then fine but then she needs to ignore me too, if she wants drama I'm more than happy to bring it but dont start a game if you dont know how to play. 

Never heard a peep out of her since. Step son is now 10 and outside of that conversation I've had two 30 second conversations with her when I've bumped into step son whilst out and about. (Her I will ignore, him I will not) 

Sometimes we need to draw our own boundaries and make it crystal clear where they are. The second she starts talking about step child she needs to redirected to your partner. 

Sparkl3s's picture

I'm no contact with BM and it's returned but.... I do fantasize about telling her off just once and letting her know that I know ERrrrTHANG due to things I found cleaning out her abandoned junk. .... just one time 

Winterglow's picture

You are giving her way too much space in your head. Stop that immadiately! There is absolutely no reason for you to be in contact with her - that's your bf's job. Block her number, her email and don't forget to block her on all social media. If she tries to engage with you, either roll up your window, shut the door, or walk away. Do NOT engage with her ever again. 

lemonlime's picture

What do you mean by this? That I’m letting it get to me? Believe me, I know. I tried my best not to but when anything like this happens to me It nags and nags at me until it’s all I can think about. It’s something I hate about myself. I let things get to me and I try hard not to. But thoughts creep into my mind even when I try to distract myself (while watching movies, washing dishes, doing laundry etc.). 

That’s the thing we aren’t in contact. I don’t have her number or have her on any of my social media. I’v never even tried to be friends with her and she hasn’t either. So i don’t know why the sudden mental breakdown towards me. 

tog redux's picture

This is why boundaries are important with BM.

1. Stop taking care of her kid's hair, let DH do it.

2. Stop posting pictures of her kid on your Facebook page.

3. Block her from your Facebook page.

4. Do not speak to her ever, let DH do it, all the time, there is no need for you to be involved.

If she was a normal person, yes, you could work with her and have looser boundaries, but she has shown you that she IS NOT.a normal person, she is a control freak, and therefore, you have to strengthen your boundaries. DH has to be the wall around you that protects you from BM's nonsense. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I understand your frustration, but you absolutely should NOT say that last part for 2 big reasons:

1.) You aren't mom, and it's not your place to tell BM how to care for her kids.

2.) Never give her permission to not send the kids over because, again, you aren't a parent and she can use that in court later if she tries to move again.

What you CAN do that will get you the desired effect is:

1.) Tell her goodbye.

2.) Roll up the window.

3.) Drive away.

If she beats on the car, steps behind it, or in any other way impedes your ability to leave, ask her once to move or you'll call the police. Then call the police if she doesn't.

THEN your BF goes back to court to set up the pick-up location at a public venue or the police station and you stop coming since you trigger her.

If the best interest of the kids is what you care about, then live your life how you want but keep BM at arms length. If you want to post pictures on FB and your BF is cool with that or wants you to, do it but block BM and any of her family/friends from seeing them. If you want to do SD's hair when she is in your BF's care, do it.

Now, if you feel OBLIGATED to do something, that's a problem. You should do things because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. And your BF HAS to do the actual parenting, not because you aren't capable, but because it's his job and his kids will always respond better when having a strong parent in the house.

You're making some rookie mistakes, and that's okay - we all do. But listen to those of us who have dealt with crazy and realize that engaging with it is what they want. Don't play into their hand.

lemonlime's picture

I know I’m not mom. But she was talking to me as if she actually believed I had these obligations to do these things. That’s the whole thing about this argument she had. I kept wondering the whole time after why she had talked to me and not him?? He had even posted the same pictures on bis FB page.  So how did she know I took care of her hair. Or actually, she didn’t know because she kept asking me why I didn’t brush her hair in which case why does she think I have to? We don’t have her on either of our FB and we both had her half sister on there. Why didn’t her half sister also mention to Lisa that my bf had the same photo on his? This is all too ludicrous.

It’s not me trying to tell her how to parent. Simply if she’s going to tell me what to do and how to do it then I won’t do anything. I won’t tell her that though because I agree, it’s not my place. Like I said, I’m just baffled she actually believes I have to do these things and do them as she would.

I’ve brushed her hair before and have had no problems. One of my bf’s exes who hangs around his mom’s house (don’t ask) will brush her hair, straighten it, and even apply makeup to her. Lisa has had no problems with this. This particular ex takes on the “motherly” role when even I don’t and has even gone as far so to firmly tell K “Finish your dinner first!” when K was on the phone asking my bf is she could come over (but that’s a whole different mess). So why did she lash out at me?

When the kids ask a favor of me (simple favors like hair brushing) I do it because I have no problem doing so. I don’t insert myself into doing these things because I feel I’m their mother or that it’s my job to. They ask and I don’t mind. 

What do you guys suggest I do the next time they ask? The next time K asks me to do her hair? The next time she asks me to straighten her hair? etc. 

ESMOD's picture

You didn't make that child with crazy.. make your SO deal with her. period.

Did you brush my child's hair?  "It's your exhusband's responsibility to brush his daughter's hair.. ask him"

"you need to prepare a kid with autism".. "no.. your EX has to do that.. I'm not his parent.. and your EX does a fine job in my opinion".

"I'm not having this conversation with you"... then walk away.

ETA:.. agree with others saying to not post her kid on your FB... and dang sure make sure that you have zero friends in common with the witch

Thumper's picture

OP---welcome to step talk.

Based on what I have read, it appears to me that part of you is taunting your boyfriends ex.  OR marking your territory like a cat.  I don't want to sound foul---but so many women do this. 

You should consider hitting the reset button and making yourself like an Enigma.

All exchanges should not include you at this point.  Boyfriend should deal with it. If he is working then BM and boyfriend will figure out times that WILL work.

By the way---you want to date a guy who's ex is living with his MOM?????

You must like drama....

GoodLuck and I hope things simmer down....stay away at all costs from his x and that means do not talk, text her either. Block her telephone number.. Put a cement wall around your home and your life IF moving forward you want a calm, reasonably normal-healthy home life. IF not, well you like drama.

What kind of adult woman are you...drama free OR not.

HIT THAT RESET BUTTON today...

 

lemonlime's picture

I’d like to know where you came to the conclusion that I like taunting her? Anything not in quotes that is me complaing about her I have never mentioned to her in real life nor treated her in any way as I have hardly ever talked to her.  I’m allowed to have my opinions of her. These ones are newly formed though if you managed to catch on that I always had this idea that she wasn’t a rude person and I actually thought she was capable of adult conversation. I’ve never told her anything rude or have been rude to her in my life. I’ve never had any problems with nor wish to have any because why? What for? 

By exchanges do you men dropping of and picking up the kids? We were on our way to the store which is why I tagged along so we could drop them off and be on our way. She took my bf waiting for the kids to come back outside (they had wanted to come along and needed to ask their mom for permission) as a chance to come and say all she had to say. Off the bat intensely rude, I might add. 

I’m pretty sure I said temporarily seeing as how she got kicked out of her apartment and is waiting for her applications to be approved. She’s been living there a total of 3 days now. 

I’m confused as to why some think I initiated? I was in my car in the passenger side and she came out to my window and went off. 

Also, what do you mean what kind of adult woman am I? 

lemonlime's picture

Just realized you never said “like taunting”, so my bad, but anyway yeah I’m bitching about her because this is a place to vent right? And again, like I said in my previous reply, never have I let on to her any of these thoughts, never have I said anything rude to her, because we’ve never had a full on conversation. 

The real encounter didn’t involve me calling her names, insulting her, not even a scoff or eye roll from me. No, that was all her (minus the name calling). 

advice.only2's picture

Either you lock down your facebook and ignore the whore, or get used to dealing with drama and expect it to ramp up.

lemonlime's picture

Oh I will ignore from now on. Like I’ve said, this was our first ond will be the only actual encounter we’ve had. I tried to deescalate, but upon realizing there was no getting throught to her, I left. 

bananaseedo's picture

I can see where you were cornered, but now you know how she is and know better.  My worry is your bf and his moms severe lack of boundaries. They are allowing his ex wife and child to live with her (temporarily) and then there is another ex that spends a lot of time with your MIL as well?  So both exe's stay around MIL and are aroudn the child?  This guy is raising some red flags.

lemonlime's picture

Just ex. They were never married. Personally, though none of my business, I understand why. Grandma is only doing it for the kids. BM literally has no where else. She has no other family here other than my bf’s side whom she does not consider family understandably. 

I can see why you would think the red flags are coming from him, but they absolutely are not. That is all his mother. She’s a whole different issue and I’ve cut off contact from her except for the occasional “hello” and “goodbye” when  we do have to be around each other for whatever reason and sometimes not even that. She’s her own person and although he’s tried, my bf has no say who his mother lets in her own home or who she interacts with. My bf recognizes his mother’s toxic behaviors and also avoides going to her house and if he has to it’s a quick in and out. His mom’s own sister who loves her has even told us she’s not right in the head and to ignore her. She’s old and won’t change at this point. 

ESMOD's picture

Actually.. the kids do have somewhere they could be.. with their FATHER.

Here is how it should go... EXDH.. I am temporarily homeless can the kids stay with you until I figure out my living situation?

Then she calls a FRIEND or RELATIVE of HERS and camps on their couch while looking for an apt.

his mom doesn't have to host her... the kids could be with their father.  She is doing it because she wants to help his EX.

lemonlime's picture

Of course they can be with their father. You think we haven’t thought of that? But she never brought it up, and my bf didn’t bother to ask because he knew the answer would be no. She doesn’t want them actually staying with him more than the days he’s given. She’s afraid he will use that to try and get primary physical custody. 

I did also say she has no relatives here. Not in this state. The majority are in PR. 

I’m also not defending bf’s mom’s choices. Like I said, enough has happened that I’ve had to cut off contact with her. 

I know she loves stirring the pot and BM loves making things difficult for my bf and she’s a little coocoo. 

CLove's picture

I went no contact with Toxic Troll BM.

Time for you to as well. I get the whole wanting to share a piece of your mind, but its a waste of good brain power.

lemonlime's picture

Like me attempting to share my side to her? Yes. I’ve learned my lesson. Not worth my time nor stress. 

CLove's picture

Some have suggested the whole "writing an open letter to BM" and then burning it as a way to have that catharsis. To unload somewhere into the ethers and leave the POS BM alone to her own festering foolishness.