new to the wonderful world of step families
I am all new at this. No one in my family has been divorced or married anyone with kids from a different family, so I'm the first. My boyfriend has full custody and the BM has visitation, which she chooses to cancel at whim. I've been reading some of the other posts here and it seems pretty universal that most step parents have some troubles with the BM's. Question - how long were you with your partner before you met the BM? I've been with my BF for 9 months now and never met the BM of his son. She had a chance, once, but is so immature that she actually refused to meet me. She knew I was in his apartment one day and she actually refused to even come up to the door - she called his cell phone from the bottom of the stairs and made him come down there to speak with her. She said it would be too hard knowing that someone else is in the apartment. I thought it was just crazy! Who acts like that?
Anyway, after 9 months now of hearing about her crazy behaviors and witnessing her general lack of parental ability (she is really more like her son's baby sitter than mother), I don't want to meet her. She doesn't actually participate in any decision making about her son (she chooses not to), she cancels visitations all the time, she takes him begrudgingly for special purposes and sometimes seems like she may actually be somewhat mentally imablanced. However, she did just find out that my BF and his son are planning to move in with me soon - so now she says she actually wants to meet me. She's playing the "concerned parent" role. I suppose if I have to meet her - fine (although my suspicision is that she will back out at the last minute and not actually have the balls to meet me). I just have no idea what I would say to her. I guess just tell her that her son will have his own room, his own bathroom too actually. We're painting his room, buying a new bed - and doing just about anything else we can think of to make him feel at home. Other than that, I have no respect for her and nothing to say to her. Any advice about first time meetings?
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Comments
Take the high road!
Meeting the BM for the first time can be nerve racking. Is she going to be psychotic? Will she try to make the rest of my life miserable? I've been on both sides of the fence on this one. I've been the BM that the step parent has to meet and I've had to meet the BM of my SD. I absolutely adore my EX's new wife. She's good to my daughter and she works with me on things when it comes to my daughter while she is visiting her BF. She knows that I don't want him back nor do I wish her harm or have ill will toward her. I simply told her that as long as she was good to my daughter we would get along great....she is and we do. I have also had to meet the BM of my SD and let me tell you she is a piece of work! My SD is basically a paycheck to her and a bargaining tool to get more money. She is an over paid baby sitter as well. I'm still having a difficult time dealing with the fact that she's a terrible mother and I can't do anything about it.
Anyhoo, I say be the bigger person. If she wants to meet you then let her. If she's as you say then the meeting probably won't take place until your 5th wedding anniversary anyway.
Good luck and keep coming here....this website is AWESOME!
Be Straight Forward
She sounds immature and unstable... the type you and your BF will have to be straight forward with. I would meet her and be pleasant but to the point about your future relationship. Make sure she understands that punctuality is important in picking up and returning your SS, if that indeed is important to you. Lay it all out on the very first visit. Clothes washed, homework done, etc. Let her know what your expectations are and that you look forward to a seemless transistion for the SS's sake. Actually, the BF should say most of this, because she may take offense it coming from you. Nonetheless... you can interject by letting her know you have his best interest at heart and look forward to being a positive role model and contributing to his developement. Just be stern [while smiling of course] about what your expectations are in the beginning. Good luck to you!