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What do you do when your kids don't like/get along with the stepkids?

Mom on the Edge's picture

Hello! I'm new to posting on this site. I've been on before but got so caught up in reading the other blogs that I never posted my own. It's nice to know that other people are going through similar issues that I continue to deal with on a daily basis! I certainly don't feel so alone anymore.

My crisis of the day is this - what do you do when your kids don't like and/or get along with their step-siblings? I have two children, both boys, ages 9 and 10 1/2. My fiance's children are 9 1/2 (girl) and 8 (boy). We have been living together for about 4 1/2 years and have been together for more than 7 years. We both have primary custody of our children; therefore, they are all here the majority of the time. Some days don't seem too bad, but days like today, where my son complains that he doesn't want them around and is upset that I've included them in a "family" outing, are pretty tough. I try to keep them separated as much as possible but since my fiance picks them up in the afternoon while I am at work makes that difficult.

Am I being a horrible parent by forcing my children to live with these children that most days they can't stand to be around? I love my fiance but I am seriously considering separating for the happiness of my children. They still do not consider the "steps" (including my fiance) as family. Will they ever? Do I just stick it out and hope it gets better? That seems to be what I've been doing for a while now, to no avail.

I have to admit that the stepkids can be difficult to be around. They fight constantly, follow my children around ALL the time, copy what they do, and any rule that comes out of my mouth, they feel they don't have to abide by. I ask them to do the same things over and over again and they just ignore it. My kids continue to ask why the steps don't listen to me or do what I ask. (I could go on and on but that would get off the subject.)

Is there hope that we will all get along some day?? I'm sure I'm not the first to deal with this. Any advice to help me get through it would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Comments

goingcrazy's picture

It is always great to have new friends to share with us. As for your situation.... you described mine to a tee. I have only two tho... My daughter is seven and SD is five. They clash so bad. Pretty much everything you said. BD would tell me often that she couldn't handle living with SD anymore. SHe and I sat down and discussed it and I decided that I needed to split from DH for BD's happiness. I told DH that I was leaving him because of BD's feelings. He said he wouldn't let it happen because BD was as much his real daughter as SD is. He said he would put SD in therapy and do anything because he couldn't lose me and my daughter. He understood and began givig more attention and understanding to my daughter's inability to put up her stepsister. It helped BD knowing that we were on her side and that we felt our family was worth fighting for. She has developed more meaning for our family. But, things didn't stay good for long. It got bad again (if you have read any of my previous posts you will see that my SD is impossible)I had it and told DH to pack his and SD's crap and go. This was the time that I found this site. As BD watched DH and fight about splitting, about SD's behavior, about what to do, she came crying saying she didn;t want to lose her daddy or her sister. She said that she just gets so frustrated that she says she wants us to leave because it would make it stop. But once she saw reality that they would be gone forever, she didn't want it. She now has more patience for her stepsister, but we have had to put SD in EXTENSIVE therapy and have for seven months. I periodically ask BD how she is feeling about the situation and she says that she still gets upset with SD and wants her to go away sometimes, but when she visits her dad for a couple days, she comes home really missing her little sister. They are now to the point where BD reads SD a story before bed and helps her say her prayers before I tuck SD in. They are starting to get much closer. SO, yes there is hope. Just think about life without the other half of your family. Sometimes things are tough in regular families... and some blending and it can be impossible. The kids are clashing because they are so close in age and they are all in a power struggle. It is normal. If they were all your bio kids, the option of leaving wouldn't be there. That is what I had to do. I put my mind in a position where I stopped looking at SD as my husband's child. They are my kids. I am not going to choose one over the other. I married my husband knowing that I was also marrying his daughter. I chose to have them in my life and ow it is my job to make sure it works. Therapy has been a great help, but it took us awhile to find the therapist.

I hope this helps. It will get better, it just takes ALOT of work!

Overwhelmed in Texas's picture

this is one consolition in our marriage...we have 10 kids altogether...the older boys all hit it off right away, this was 5 years ago. The two teen boys and the two teen girls although hated each other from the get go!

For the most part, we tried to treat each kid the same, and let them work it out, and they all get along pretty darn good now. I read some where that it takes 2 years for a blended family to even begin to start having some kind of history together...so don't lose hope!

Chocoholic's picture

All of our kids fight the same as bio sisters and brothers. For the most part we let them hash it out and move on.... We don't pay it too much attention because it seems like normal sibling fighting and we don't want to a huge deal about it. My daughter has complained about my stepdaughters manners, IE: she chews on things, breaks toys, and touches things that are not hers. I talked with my DH about it and now if SD breaks something that is not hers, she has to replace it with one of her favorite toys.... After that happened a few times, now she won't touch anyone else's belongings without asking first!

Mom on the Edge's picture

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. "Overwhelmed" - 10 kids! Wow! How do you do it?!? I have all I can handle with just the four!

The thing that bothers me the most is the way my children sometimes talk and act towards their steps. They are miserable and sometimes just outright mean. (not usually in front of them) I mean they REALLY don't like them sometimes! Then I get angry with them for being like that and wonder where they get it from? I don't like who they are becoming and the attitudes that come out toward the steps. This is not who I want my children to become. But then in the next minute they can all be playing nice and getting along! That is when I start to think that there will be an end to the resentment at some point and we're going to make it through it.

Have any of you dealt with the kids feeling that one child gets away with things the others don't and always gets his way? The youngest of them all is VERY strong-willed and tends to be very difficult at times. He was in therapy and that did seem to help some (and of course his therapist has relocated and we haven't found another one yet) but my fiance tends to give in to him a lot just to avoid confrontation. He knows that he shouldn't but sometimes it's just easier. Of course, the other kids see this and they resent it. (understanably) They have conceeded to the fact that the youngest will get whatever he wants no matter what. And, unfortunately, he can also be a trouble maker and then lies about what has happened. It's never his fault and he never does "it." My fiance then thinks he's being picked on and reprimands the others. UGH! Sorry, I'm getting way off the subject here....(there are just soooo many issues!)

Overwhelmed in Texas's picture

that kids pick up on your feelings and if your own kids sniff out even a little that you don't like the stepkids they will be all over it...I tried very hard to never say anything negative about the stepkids to my own and I think that made a big difference....and as far as them bickering and arguing, this is a good thing....its what natural siblings do and I think letting them work out their problems on their own whenever possible works best...

and yes 10 is a lot!!!

Mom on the Edge's picture

and I admit that I have to catch myself sometimes with the comments that I make but I usually don't say too much in front of my kids. I don't really have to. My kids come out with the comments that I am thinking all the time. I will have to try to put on a happy face a little more though. It's just so hard.....

QUINJAI3's picture

hi there i completely understand i have 2 boys aged 2 & 4 and a step daughter aged 6, but the problem is that the sd is turning very vicious and nasty towards my boys and now has resulted in my 4 year old not wanting her to visit any more. our weekend access has turned into a nightmare, i have considered leaving my hubby due to the strain to, i guess with yours being a bit older it is harder as they can truly express their upsets about step siblings.i hope you find some peace and trust your decisions with the situation.