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Take THAT

mommadukes2015's picture

So let me preface this by saying, I have a daughter. I am someone's daugther. So while this may jepordize my feminist card, I think it's something really important for everyone, espeically young adults, to have brought to their attenion early on. 

My SO is 35. When he was 20 he was in a relationship with a young woman who assisted him acruing a substaintial amount of debt-all in his name. Furniture, jewelry, cars, credit cards. 

And then they broke up. She left, the debt stayed. While chivalry is cute and all, if I had a time machine, I would have few choice words for my SO back then, like DON'T and NO. 

Now, some of his financial problems that he came with are his and his alone. Medical debt. Unanswered tickets. ALL him. She's not responsible for any of that-no matter which way you spin it. 

5 years ago, I started on the incredibly daunting journey of somehow unwreaking this train. First it was the tickets-which span over the course of 10 years, resulting in 12 scofflaws (12 suspensions) and over $8,000 in fines and lawyer fees. With that remedied, I turned my attention to his "filing box" more like "pandora's box" of paperwork. 

Just as I started on that IRS letters and state Dept of Taxation came rolling in. As, someone who is not versed at all in tax law, this sh*t is terrifying and confusing. He said he had been receivng letters  for a while but didn't know what to do with them, nor did he have the time. I'm pretty sure I started sprouting grey hairs at this point. A petition for POA and 365 days ago, I started to make a plan for what needed to be done, when and how. As of today, he is 100% current on all his taxes both State and Federal.

On Friday, we paid for his bankruptcy in FULL.

Why does any of this matter? Please for the love of all that is holy, teach your children (both male and female) about how important it is to be financially responsible from DAY 1. While all of this amounted in some sleepless nights and undue stress for me, my SO took it far worse having to watch ME deal with HIS mess because he didn't have the know-how to deal with it.  Many of those nights, that directly followed days of stress and frustration for me, were spent comforting a man who has always felt "less than" what he thinks I deserve because he made poor financial decisions that will continue to effect him and his children for years to come. 

As an unresponsible party, who didn't deserve what I have had to go thorugh to fix it, make sure your do your kids and their future families the favor of teaching them financial responsibility. 

So part of this post is that, the other part is because I am so FREAKING excited that I finally did it. So yay me! It also feels really good knowing and seeing the notes she left him about how happy she was to "ruin him" (eyeroll 20 somethings man) that she will be named in the bankruptcy and she can't go after him for the 1 joint judgement against both of them. You ruined him. I fixed  him. Don't do that to people. 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Yay YOU!  It can be incredibly frustrating to fix a financial mess that is years in the making due to someone treating their issues with their heads firmly planted in the sand.

There is a toll both emotional and financial to letting things fester.  Most things can actually be fixed much easier if we just face them head on.

It is also extremely good advice to NOT mix finances with another person... not your kids.. not your boyfriend..etc.  If you want to help someone, give them a gift of cash.  Co-signing isn't a good idea and in many cases will leave you saddled with a debt you didn't get the benefit of. It IS possible to establish credit without a cosigner.  My SD's have both done it by starting out with small secured debts and now have decent history in their own right.

But again... kudos to you for helping him fix this problem.  I just hope he will move forward with more financial savvy.

mommadukes2015's picture

When my Dad walked away my Mom had 0 clue how to even balence a checkbook. Luckily I caught the tail end of the “home ec” era and had a history teacher who took it upon himself to diviate from the curriculum to teach us some important things like how to write a budget, how to stay within  agrocery shopping budget, how to shop for good deals and how to balence a check book. 

It’s so great you’re being mindful of this with your SD’s. They will thank you later! 

 

 

notsobad's picture

When my Grandfather died my Mom had to show her Mom (Gma) how to write a cheque. My Gpa would drive her to the store, have a nap in the car while she shopped, then come in and write a cheque for the groceries. She had no bank account, couldn't drive and not the first clue about any thing financial. My Mom had to teach her everything.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yay! Go you! We're still working on my DH... His wasn't even as bad as yours. But I understand the stress, still waiting for my grey hairs to start spurting up super noticeably in my dark hair.

It's frustrating and a bit painful to have to deal with your SO/DH having come with this huge financial mess brought on by some past relationship. We're short $15k and counting. Hopefully we'll be out of it within the next year and maybe be able to leave the area to get real employment.

Cover1W's picture

I was on DH about the SDs not having bank accounts or being in any way financially responsible when they each turned 10.  He just got them bank accounts at 12 and 14, which is good.  Finally!  I had to practically force him to get SD12 one since we were there signing up SD14.  Tearing my hair out.  BUT - he is not responsible himself.  And I don't know who will teach them about maintaining their accounts.  Maybe BM?

I just found out that his credit card debt, which was almost paid off when we purchased our home 3 years ago, has skyrocketed.  For what reason I have no idea.  I couldn't understand why he often (not always) had no funds to pay our joint debt, so I've been covering for him for some time.  I tried to broach the topic last week and got his normal very, very defensive reaction - he hates talking about finances.  I kept a cool head, told him I wasn't mad, but whatever is going on with his spending is effecting me.  I didn't even know about the credit card debt until just a couple days ago.  Now I know.  He hasn't told me about it, but I was clearing out junk mail and opened what I thought was junk mail to him and whooops. 

So I'm going to re-open the conversation with him, gently but firmly.  He makes as much as I do, and even with me paying most of the joint debt, I still have some left over each month (which gets cycled back into paying off debt), which matches, I thought, what his payments were.  He has so much emotion wrapped up in money/finances he often can't see straight.

I have offered, several times, to look at his accounts and help him sort out what to do.  I am thinking now I have to somehow get him to do this *now* which won't be easy.  Just also thanking my good judgement in not having joint accounts but for the house account and not giving him ready access to that at all.

HowLongIsForever's picture

As someone who grew up with the what not to do financial education I agree wholeheartedly with you.

Congratulations on conquering his financial demons.  Hopefully he is more educated and has learned from all of your hard work.  And recognizes how absolutely amazing you are for taking that mess on.

thinkthrice's picture

Now I hope he APPRECIATES all that you've done on his behalf!! Hope he doesn't get a "short memory" like Chef-- who I had to remind the other day WHO shut down the phoney CPS report launched by the now 47 yr old Girhippo when she was WORKING for CPS and which was rapidly snowballing towards doom had I not fought it with my poison pen!  HE was taking full credit right smack dab in the middle of his "placate the BM and kiss the skid's posteriors" days!!  I reminded him that he didnt think it was such a big deal to be falsely accused and sent to the NYS Child Abuse and Maltreatment Registry whilst the Gir tried to keep us from refuting the report by having her clerical staff "forget" to send us the report!  As long as we sucked it up and were a doormat for her, he was ok with that back then!

Oh and the time I bailed him out of trouble with the IRS because he "trusted" (TM) the Gir with their last joint return...BIG mistake!  She "forgot" to report her premature raiding of all three kids college funds before the ink was dry on the mediation agreement.  And she was about to leave Chef holding the bag for back taxes, interest and penalties before I stepped in and filed innocent spouse on his behalf.

Now he regrets all the financial strain she put upon him WHILE THEY WERE STILL DATING!!  He paid for her to retake her college classes after she was caught plagiarizing all her thesises!  He paid for her orthodontics!! He paid for her skin tag removals.  I could go on and on!!  Amazing what being eye level to a pair of tits can do to a man!!!!

notsobad's picture

Good for you! It feels so good to be being free and clear of debt.

DH isn’t good with money but he’s very good at making it. He’s one of those hard working guys who makes great money doing something that he loves. 

However, when it comes to looking after that money, he sucks. His attitude is he’ll just make more.  

BM simply spent every penny that came in. They had new cars, she and the kids were well dressed, had the latest fashions and accessories. She didn’t work and spent most of her days shopping.

When I met DH he was overpaying CS, paying for all the skids extras and still paying BMs house/car insurance and cell phone bill. He wasn’t in debt but he had very little savings. 

In the 10 years we’ve been together we’ve saved, invested, built a business and bought a house that’s worth over 2 million. The only debt we have is our mortgage. We have money for retirement and vacations.

BM on the other hand is deeply in debt and very close to sinking. She is way over extended. She didn’t change her spending habits after she lost access to DHs income. She did go out and get a career, which is great, but she kept spending and borrowing and spending and borrowing.

She’s in her 50s and has no retirement funds. SS told us once that he’s so happy we are financially ok. He’s worried that he’ll have to look after BM in her old age. 

StepUltimate's picture

Not to go off on a political rant, but why aren't our public high schools teaching kids how to manage finances and track oncome & expenses? One of the few truly useful lessons. I always ask the cute young fashion clothing store clerks if they can tell me the interest rate for the credit cards they ask if I'm interested in to get a discount... so far, none have known the answer. They don't even know what they're selling. 

thinkthrice's picture

are too busy teaching insurrection when they should be teaching something truly useful such as financial skills.   I was in a grocery store and saw an "antifa" type looking like a hobo with his unshaven, unshowered and unemployed self in the prime of his life with his protest gear on paying for his stuff....with an EBT card.

WalkOnBy's picture

Insurrection?  Drama much?  None of my kids were taught insurrection at their public schools.  

"Antifa" type?  Again, drama much?  Stop.  Just stop.

thinkthrice's picture

just an observation

WalkOnBy's picture

My district has a whole slew of financial classes available to students and I made my kids take at least Personal Finance.

All three are fiscally responsible adults Smile

thinkthrice's picture

must be in an affluent area.  Here in upstate NY, civics are not taught nor how to budget, balance an account, nor do taxes.  And most parents aren't teaching those things anymore.

bearcub25's picture

Congrats!!!  I pulled myself out of almost losing everything when my late DH was fighting and succombing to cancer.  I worked hard to get it all righted and now I'm in a pretty good spot financially, and retiring at 59.5 is a possibility.

That is a big reason I haven't gotten married to DSO.  No way is his kids or ex gonna touch anything I busted my ass to keep.

I think you deserve a special gift for all that hard work....jewelry?  a trip?