It's laughable at this point - Advice!
Back again! Just ventting since I have no one else I can be honest with. And maybe some more advice on how to disengage further I guess. Last night I heard DH digging into SS11 last night about grades and missing assignments. He still has a D in 1 class and an F in another. Not much different from last quarter where it was the same and SS was "grounded" from xbox which never happened. DH grounded him from Xbox again last night... and less than 24 hrs later he is playing Xbox with his Dad. Did his grades suddenly improve overnight? Nope. Lol honestly it's laughable. Nothing DH says he follows through with. It's just comical. I have completed disengaged from most things including screen time, which when the kid isn't sleeping or at school he is staring at a screen, and grades, etc. I will occasionally remind him to do his chores but pretty much given up on enforcement since he does it so poorly its almost pointless. However DH still wont back off my own BD 11. He likes to keep inserting his opinion and how I should or shouldn't be doing x,y and z. It's so annoying and I pretty much told him a few months ago to back off and stay in his lane. He did for a short while but has picked up old habits. This evening at the dinner table was hectic as my BD was saying this like "no cap" and "slay" which is typical words kids are saying now and he really got frustrated about it saying she needs to speak with real words out of the dictionary and just really picking on her about it and after I said "that's enough" multiple times it didn't stop and ended in the 2 of them getting pretty heated until I yelled "ENOUGH!" I told him he was arguing with a child and picking on her. I do agree the words are not proper English but I remember using kid slang words too. Mind you she reads all the time is far ahead her grade reading level and consistently has an A in English so why do I care? She has a strong vocabulary but she is a kid let her speak how she wants. She knows how to be polite and speak when it's important. She shouldn't be judged by her family. I don't know maybe I'm sensitive but DH refusing to back off really set me off and I don't know why he can't just stay in his own lane and maybe if he worried more about his own kids habits his son wouldn't have a D in English. Whatever. Anyway thanks for listening! Any advice on how to approach these situations will be appreciated and humor greatly welcomed.
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Sounds familiar
When you talk about your DH "disciplining" his sion then backing off, it reminds me of DH86's technique back in the day. All 5 of the bios and SKs lived here full time, all within a 6-year age span. In short, 5 teenagers at once. Curfews, cars, friends, SOs, grades, liquor, drugs, smoking - the whole thing.
DH would verbally explode at length and ground the offender for some time period. After that, he'd have a "serious talk" with them. Result: offender was back on the road the next day.
The girls, SDnow62 and my daughter, Gnow57, were the worst. SD would run away after one of his blasts. We'd get her back then a honeymoon period, then back to whatever. My daughter was a habitual curfew offender and I'd be so happy to hear him give her a blast. Not so happy when she waltzed out the next night after "the talk" with a smile on her face
They all lived thru it, us, too. I've blanked out a lot of it. Lol.
"DH, I'm fed up with your
"DH, I'm fed up with your double sided issues. You treat my child poorly and put unnecessary pressure on her simply because she is being a kid while at the same time you allow your child to fail in school, avoid doing anything chore wise and give him punishments you both know neither of you will follow up on. If you have a need to heckle and pressure a child, do it to yours and leave mine alone. I will not let you treat my child one way and treat yours completely different. After some time of watching and seeing you actuall parent your child perhaps I will revisit this issue and take your opinion into account."
100% that is what I think of
100% that is what I think of saying and likely will when that happens again. There are enough scenarios that it occurs. The gaslighting is intense sometimes because he will refuse to acknowledge any difference in treatment. Usually because they do behave differently but I'm like listen, you do not expect nearly as much from your own kid than you do mine. SS can pretty much get away with anything and it's not a big deal or the "talk" is pointless since there is no follow through. My BD regularly gets privileges taken away for poor behavior and it's just annoying when the standards are VASTLY different. But great response, especially revisiting when he takes action into actually parenting his own kid then maybe I'll consider your opinions.
SAY IT! Stop just thinking about saying it.
Keep on SS
" I will occasionally remind him to do his chores but pretty much given up on enforcement since he does it so poorly its almost pointless." You keep on SS about his chores. So you control his life. Better be the giver then taker. You must get DH involved in this. Because he's picking your DD. Maybe he will get the what's up. He's picking on DD because his DS is such a loser he needs to cut down DD to make his DS look better. Very unfortunate. Very nasty.
COome here and ventt away
Yeah I try to involve DH as
Yeah I try to involve DH as much as I can but it's such effort. I feel like the house manager always reminding everyone to do everything. I usually try to just have them both do chores at the same time when I am asking my daughter to do hers I have SS do his. DH rarely reminds them UNLESS he noticed my daughter hasn't done hers then it's a problem. Or he will just just do SS chore for him. Whatever as long as it gets done what do I care? He pays him chore money not me so I don't care if he wants to waste his own money. I have thought that many times in the past that he picks on my daughter for that reason. But if anything is wrong with SS it is always an excuse. Bad grades? Teacher isn't doing her job. Not showering? DH just needs to remind him more. Room smells? He just needs to wash his clothes more often and DH should be reminding him. Like okay... clearly you need to be doing some more parenting. I'm not perfect by any means but I check my daughter's grades almost daily, messaging teachers, reminding her to shower if she hasn't, she still needs reminders about her laundry quite often but her room is almost always very tidy which I find impressive for 11. Where SS room you can't barely see the floor. But yes pick on my kid!!
School isnt as important as practical skills
yep, its laughable until you got to the part where he puts down your BD.
Hes putting her down, so that she is at the same level as his spawn that sounds like a major underachiever. Sounds pretty low-level. Focus on your BD, and keep doing the sane parenting. Dont do anything for SS 11, let his father "parent" him. As to chores, its your household, hold SS to the standard. Unless your husband is like mine and anytime you hold a standard you get "you just hate my kid!"
Pretty much! I've been
Pretty much! I've been accused of being too hard on him and picking on him with chores. And it always defaults to "well BD11 didn't do it well last time either (they switch chores every other month)" yes I actually make her do it again or show her like I'm doing to him but I refuse to always take that burden for SS every time since it's time consuming and should be a partnership and isnt especially when DH doesn't notice the poor quality or the chore. I just keep focusing on when I'm doing. If he doesn't care enough about his kids cleanliness then good luck in the future.
He likes to keep inserting
Take that!!!
Yeah I've noticed in some cultures they're harder on the girls to be more studious.
Boys can be lazy slobs pulling Ds and Fs but girls have to be meticulously organized making straight As
Complete double standards
This is unfortunately a topic where y'all are not in agreement but need to at least keep your differences from the kids because if they know y'all are divided on this they can subconsciously (or not so subconsciously) drive a wedge between you two (which disrupts your relationship) since it seems easy to do so.
Also just know he might be raising a bump on log so be CRYSTAL CLEAR RIGHT NOW if you are against degenerate spawns sponging/living past 18
Oh and your DH should learn
Oh and your DH should learn to use reverse psychology on these kids.
Don't like their slang .... no problem --- get really excited and talk to them ALL day and night in their exact slang.
Literally use the exact words they use.
As soon as they set pinky toe in the door greet them like this "Wasssup! Dap me up! ... What? You gucci? Because you looking kind of mid right now. Got some food in kitchen and it's hitting!!! On G0d ... No cap....Bruh Let's Goooooo"
They'll get so triggered and stop using them simply because the parents now using those words
Skibidi. Haha. Your doing
Skibidi. Haha. Your doing too much.
Advice? Tell DH that until
Advice? Tell DH that until his spawn is passing all classes DH can STFU about your DD.
Tell DH 1:1 that you have called him on staying in his lane before so next time you will rip out his throat in front of the kids. Then tell him that he either gets rid of the PlayStation or you will since he has no testicular fortitude to enforce grounding his underperforming spawn from the PS even when SS has been told he cannot play PS until his grades are recovered.
Keep baring moron DH's ass and do it in an increasingly embarrassing manner.
Letting this dumbass shove his head up his own delusional ass while being a juvenile with your performing DD is obviously not working.
Yes!
Yes! I needed that. I will say that next time because I am FED UP with him looking down from the pedestal he placed himself on while SS isn't even passing his classes. I am constantly playing referee when it comes to him and my SD to keep him from swimming in the lane he doesn't belong. I do think I need to step it up though. Thank you!!