I still have to remind myself not to make kind gestures. Only in step-world!
What world is this? My god. For the survival of my marriage and my own mental health and peace, I put some strong boundaries in place two years in. Because the skids were still somewhat young, we had faith that they would one day "see the light." I kept trying with them. Kept getting smacked down, kept getting my feelings hurt. 5 years in, I threw my hands in the air. It's been steady with SD; it was on and off with SS, except he took a downward turn about 5 years ago and fully went to the BM dark side (all the while, we naively believed that adulthood would change their skewed perspectives and crap behavior).
It went against my nature to stop buying gifts for them, but I felt had to. I never received a thank you. Never was acknowledged on holidays or birthdays myself. As passive aggressive behavior from their end got worse, I also stopped signing birthday and holiday cards that DH had bought.
Then came SD's first pregnancy and I received an invite to the shower (they knew I wouldn't go; we live in another state, but a gift was wanted and they wanted to appear to be doing the right thing). I fell into the trap of getting excited about the gifts, so I bought some and mailed them well ahead of time. SD is an adult now...maybe she turned a corner. At the shower, they put all the gifts together and took photos of them, later sharing them. My gifts were not there. I felt like an idiot. Again. (They had also chosen and shared wedding photos that I was not in--or they had digitally removed me.) Baby #2 was arriving and I received another shower invite. I ignored it. I have never met the grands. I told DH I don't want to get wrapped up in that hostage situation and replay the bs.
Even through the years of having crap thrown at me by human beings who have behaved more like deranged monkeys, every once in a while (not often), something kicks in and I think, "Oh, I need to send SS or SD this photo, or share this story, or. . . ." -- and then I have to walk myself back. It is so odd. I have to purposely not reach out again, purposely not try to make that hopeful move, purposely remind myself that there is zero hope, that any kindness would be setting myself up again. And all is ok. I know I'm doing the right thing.
Disengagment has saved my sanity. Although it feels right, I don't know if it will ever feel normal to me. Because, in nearly 2 decades, nothing about the step situation has been normal.
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This proves...
.... that in spite of all the craptastic skid/adult skid abuse you've received, you remain a decent, thoughtful, and kind person.
It also serves as a case study in the similarities that brought me and so many others to StepTalk over the years. Like skids and Failed Former Families really do use the same twisted Playbook. I experienced many of the exact same things - no acknowledgement of or thank you for gifts, ghosting on my birthdays and when my cats & dogs passed (all due to old age, and all of whom my xSS24 lived with & loved throughout his teenage years when he lived here in my home), the "Gift Grab" invitations, etc.
And lastly, that no matter how much we've disengaged, accepted this is reality, and come to terms with the fact that we didn't earn or deserve their sh*tty treatment (even after years of No Contact, and in my case actual divorce), it still hurts the heart and baffles the mind.
the "Gift Grab" invitations,
LOL!!! ...
This is actually clever af.
Mail out a 2.99 card under the rouse of an "invitation" knowing your guest is too far and most likely can't attend so they'll most likely receive a gift worth 10x or more of the gift grab invite.
Quite an ROI for these slick skids
Thank you. They do seem to
Thank you. They do seem to come off an assembly line, right? Same here with dogs passing. I can't even talk about when my mother passed. Let's just say skids use certain times (holidays, etc) to take their cruelest jabs. And we know that any confrontation about any of their behavior just results in their denials. I'm over it.
If I heard my story, I would wonder: what the hell did this woman do to these kids? DH and I forever racked out brains, wondering if there was something we DID do that would be so awful as to result in this kind of behavior toward us (primarily me). It's so hard to find any sense of the rational in their actions.
Thank you for your response. I am so grateful for this community,
Sometimes "rejection" is the
Sometimes "rejection" is the universe (or g0d's, or whoever you believe in) protection.
I know it may sting not to have the SG's in your life however, There are a billion cute babies and kids on this planet with much better behaved bio parents. Be a g0d grandma to someone close to you, perhaps.
FWIW --- I experienced similar treatment when my now ex demanded I welcome his domestic t3rrorists on Mother's Day (when that should have been her parenting time), I reluctantly agreed while silently protesting (because how dare I call these people out when all they'll do is double down and gaslight me), only to have this Disneyland mfer leave me at the house to take his spawns shopping for their beastly breeder.
Only one of those ingrates barely acknowledged me for Mother's Day...
After that I was done. Disengaged and demanded that conniving c*nt keep her kids on Mother's Day since all they prefer to do is worship their breeder then they can worship, disturb her peace, drive her up the wall on that weekend at her lair.
I saw a meme the other day
I saw a meme the other day that said something like, "The universe removed you from a table where you were being served poison." So, yes. I am actually glad not to have these two in my life. The situation is awkward, though. One minor example is that when we come across new people and "skids" ever come up, I always see the natural expectation in others that we are actually a family. I never explain the real situation...I let it go. When people use the term "stepmom" to describe me, my spine tingles in horror.
And, yes, we have embraced the nice people in MY family. I have concentrated on the kind people.
"Domestic terrorists" = perfect. DH used to label BM and skid assaults as "getting nuked."
The language you use is on point. Thanks.
Unfortunately you are normal.
Normal people don't like hurting other people. SD is not normal she doesn't care , just trying to rub it in your face and cause a fight between you and DH. She not worth the space she is taking up in your mind
You are right. Many times
You are right. Many times right! Thank you.
I am in a similar boat - I
I am in a similar boat - I really don't do too much and when I do it results in ungratefulness so...I've trained myself to stop. They aren't going to be kind people ever and I am aware of it. Keep on the path of disengagement. It's not always happy but when you get the urge to do something nice for them turn that around and do it for someone else- anyone ! Even a complete stranger. Put your resources elsewhere, you'll be surprised at how grateful other people are and it will restore your faith in humanity.
Great advice! I will remember
Great advice! I will remember this!
I can relate.
This is only one reason why disengagement is a process - we have to learn to curb our caring impulses and resist all the social training we received because it simply doesn't serve us in steplife. How sad is that?
THe only way the toxic
THe only way the toxic progeny of failed families and shit parents ever will see the light is if they are forced to stare into the sun until reality and truth is seared into their retinas and their brain.
It is a tortuous process but well worth the commitment to force it to happen. IMHO.
Being kind and caring to these types, in the traditional sense, is painful to ourselves. I think that adjusting our perspective to that of holding them accountable, forcing the light to sear into their brains, and not allowing them to ply their shit gene pool antics is in fact the untimate in caring and kindness.
If we can learn to gain the peace we feel in being caring for and being kind to quality people when we are searing the retinas of the toxic, that is where we are delivering care and kindness in the way that the toxic need.
When my SS was growing up under the CO and was splashing in the challow and polluted end of his gene pool while on SpermClan visitation I had to learn that providing him with the blinding light of facts was the greatest kindness I could peform for him. It was sometimes upsetting, but it was necessary to guide him down the path to being a quality person. Even if his character had been unsalvageable, learning that choices are important and behaving decently toward others is far less painful than being toxic would have been the kind thing for me to do for him.
I know, it sounds like a stretch. But.... our outcome with him has been outstanding. His mom and I are very proud of the man that he is and the man we raised.
IMHO of course.
I understand. It was a
I understand. It was a torturous process for me trying to wrap my brain around having to STOP myself from participating with SKs, buying things, contributing, etc. I am a giver by heart (sounds like you are, too) and just felt so evil withdrawing natural affection, care, time, and love that you should naturally feel you can give to your supposed ''family.'' I had to train myself to start leaving the house, going in another room, separating myself, anything but to keep wasting my time, money, and resources (not to mention the incredibly fatiguing drain it puts on you mentally) on those who would not care if I was dead or alive. Start putting that energy into you. A friend. Anyone but toxicity. The guilt will fade in time, hopefully. I'm used to the intentional outcasting as well. It is a pain no one can imagine until they themselves are in the midst of it. It's almost like a sick game to them, in my opinion. They have power in controlling the dynamic, where they rope you in, then twist the knife. Remove that power and watch them flail around because they can't harm you or get to you that way any longer.
It's almost like a sick game
Yes!!!
Winning is how we end them.
Winning is how we end them. They are the ones playing the game. Out job is to end them.
Scrubbing their noses in the stench of the stains they create in their own life's toxic carpet is the win. Never stopping that is part of living our best lives IMHO.
Keep them marginalized while living well, is the best revenge. It is also the only chance they truly have of overcoming their toxic crap and just maybe learning that being reasable is a far better choice than being toxic.
The more DH and I enjoy life
The more DH and I enjoy life and the more evidence there is of us having relationships with others, the more resentful and jealous the skids seem to get. We were to be miserable. It was a hard pill to swallow that that is what they (led by BM) wanted. When we moved into our nicest home, SS was visibly bothered. When I've mentioned us talking to this person or that person, or if I've said in his presence, "Jen said xyz," he has almost snapped, "Who's Jen?!" This is the skid who is openly jealous of our dog. Of course, this behavior came after years of turning their backs on us, attempting to punish us, and behaving like s***-throwing monkeys.
Yes, winning = living well. A big win is not having their presence in our day to day lives. Unfortunately, after DH's health crisis last year, they are in much more frequent contact with him, so, they are "there." At least DH and I are on the same page that they can stay "there" and never again HERE. They will never change.