"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

You want an end to the conflict over sd-boy, that's a tough one. And at 13, I fear it will increase as the teenage years continue.

Let's hope you have an excellent counselor and that your wife actively participates.

i said to DH about a month or so ago: maybe i wouldnt OVERreact to everything if u didnt UNDERreact so much to everything.

pause to take that in...

while i do admit i blow the smallest things out of proportion, its a sign that NOTHING is handled correctly, so its just another thing. to him, i flip out over the smallest stuff. to me, even the smallest stuff he refuses to deal w. im sure thats the same for u.

i do think counseling is a great step, and if shes willing to go, maybe she really might change someday.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

We have SD15 and BDs5 and 2. I am much more strict about what they watch than DH is, and I don't care who's in the room. So, I handle it several ways. One, if something is in appropriate for BDs and SD is watching it, I either tell DH directly that it's not appropriate and wait for him to get her to change the channel (which may take a while, as it did in your situation). If that does not happen, I will take BDs and leave the room. Take them for a walk, go somewhere else to play. By removing them from the situation I remove the negative influence, without a direct confrontation with SD. If, when I come back the offending program is still on, I will turn it or turn off the TV. I've already made my stance clear.

In your case, when you turned off the TV, you should have just said, "This program is not appropriate for BD2 to watch." Period. No argument, no "How come you didn't listen to your mother?" If mom wants her to listen, mom can make her. But no need getting into the dynamics of their relationship. You'll never win. I've learned that over seven hard years.

Example: DH, SD11, BD1 and I went on vacation one year. We were playing frisbee golf. EVERY shot I made, SD would make a snide, nasty comment. I finally said that was enough and she kept doing it. I blew up and quit playing and took BD and left. DH and SD followed along behind me, wanting to know what my problem was. DH said he and SD "joked around" like that all the time. I said, "Well, I don't like being talked to like that." He thought it was my problem because if it was acceptable to him, it should be acceptable to me. I don't think so! He can let her talk to him that way if he wants (and he does, and I don't interfere). But she's NOT going to talk to me that way.

be in my prayers. It's a tough situation that you're in, and it's wonderful to see you put forth the effort into your marriage. You need to let DW know that... how you feel. I'm sure you probably have but did you let her know what parts of the marriage bother you? The parts of the marriage that make you want to leave? Maybe if you tell her that you are sometimes at a point where you just want to give up, she'll realize that you're serious. Maybe she'll see how much you're going through.

And sums up 5 years of the majority of the problems in our marriage, too! DH is way too "hands off" when it comes to parenting his girls, leaving me totally frustrated and causing me to overreact to his lack of parenting. (And also leaves me resenting both him AND the girls at the same time).

I'm more of a 27/7 "hands on," no-nonsense type of parent. Break the rules- I hold you accountable. And guess what- it works every time!

And if I can get my special needs son to "tow the line" and follow the rules, I don't see why his darling princesses are exempt from the very same rules.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

There's something you're doing for your SD that I have no intention of doing for my SD's-providing financial support. It should be a given that as you've been raising this child, you should be able to take the remote away without enduring a huge scene, for crying out loud.

But you also financially support her. You mentioned her fathers c/s barely covers tution. Your wife is not working. So you are currently the sole support. Where is your W's respect and appreciation of you for doing that? I mean, this kid is standing there in clothes you paid for, sleeping in a house you pay for, eating food you pay for, but you aren't allow to parent her? Even over a remote control???

I know my H is totally unfair to me with his SD17 (read some of my blogs, you'll see what I mean). But at least he does not expect me to support her financially and take her attitude too.

But DH is the one who blows up and I'm the one who can neutralize it. For a while that bothered me because it shouldn't be my job, and makes me out to be the overbearing one.

I think you handled this one perfectly. And I would tell DW if she doesn't think it's appropriate to discuss it, then what time is she available? It may be better to discuss it later anyway, when all tempers are cooler. BUT DW needs to know you will discuss it at some point. And you have not forgotten about it just because she would like you to.

I over correct my SD because she is constantly provoking. I think though that she can handle it, if I balance it with positive interaction and believe me that is hard with her. She has bled me dry and used me, and doing nice things for her makes me feel like a chump. But I do need to do them for a few more years.

I agree with VicM that you need to talk to DW about this because it does affect BD as well. My BD is 3, and when DH blows his top yelling at SD, or SD yells back when he remains cool, it negatively affects BD. Sometimes she just cries and is a little scared of them both.

You don't want that to happen. It's a sad little face, and sometimes causes me to snap at him to control himself (which doesn't help even though he's not mad at me.) It's not scary to me, or to my sons, just one of them or both of them raising their voice. But those little ears are more sensitive.

Goodluck, and welcome.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

First off welcome! It's nice to have another guy here to talk to - I'm probably gonna have to email you to ask an opinion on another subject but anyways your wife and you (if you stick around long enough)have got to get control over this kid. Your wife is either too lazy to deal with disciplining or her own daughter or she feels guilty about something. From what you described - you sound like an awesome stepfather and those two should be worshiping the ground you walk on. It also sounds like you would have split a long time ago if it wasn't for BD. Would your wife be open to going to family counseling? Just perhaps start off with just the two of you and then bring SD in to the mix. This way the counselor will get you two on the same page and then you can ged SD in the mix. I'm not too good with skids issues because my SD15 is a really good kid (except for the fact she just stopped talking to us for the past mth cuz her mom started lying about somethings) but all these ladies have givin you some great advice here. Good luck to you and we hope to hear more from you! Take care

you sound just like my I wont over react if my DH would handle it right the first time.

I can totally relate to your blog...You pay all of bills and provide for the kid but DW treats you liek you have no parental rights or autority!! For years, I raised Dh's brat practically all by myself..Hubby is Army and has been deployed to IRAQ 2 and a half years out of the last five..Yep, the step brat was in my care exclusivley during both deployments..Then DH comes home and basically strips me of all my parental authority and respect with her..He undermines me, critisizes how I did things while he was gone infront of all the children, and basically undoes any progress that I made with his little "darling" while I was gone.. Basically, he wants me to take on all of both him and the egg donars parental responsibility but not have any parental authority...

He just got home from his second tour a month and a half ago...I spent 15 months in a foreign country with my two kids and taking care of his ingratful snot of a kid..Only to have him come home and do what he did after his first tour...I told him that I will NEVER keep her during another one of his deployments ever again..He says, "I have no place else to send her"...I told him "That sounds like a personal problem to me!" If I am the only one he has to keep his snot while he is deployed it would seem that he would show some appreciation for me keeping her and taking care of her all that time..Rather then just expecting it and then critisizing me in front of the children when he gets home...

I don't care if the snot has to live in a car outside a drug rehab with her bm during his next deployment...I just know the snot isn't staying under my roof when he isn't there anymore. I could use a nice year long break from the trouble making snot when her dad is gone...Maybe sometime living with the BM might do her some good!!!

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And it takes two to save a marriage!

The picture I'm getting is this: You mentioned a large home-perhaps one that is a financial strain? Your Sd goes to Catholic school-expensive. C/S barely covers the cost. Your wife stays home with BD, which is great IF you can afford it. You shuttle SD to school every day. You pay for SD's needs. W will not support you, in fact, does the very opposite, every time you try to correct SD. SD views you as substandard. No respect there. So in essence, you are good enough to pay for her needs/wants, but not good enough to discipline.

So we know what you bring to the plate. What does your wife bring to the plate, as far as you as a spouse, you as a provider for her and the children? You mentioned lack of physical affection, so I'm puzzled. What is her contribution, where are her compromises?

or did I read correctly that you are for all intents and purposes, the "father" in this child's life? She was what, 7 or 8 when you became a part of her life correct? So, what is the problem with you parenting her? If she has an absent(basically) biodad, and you are there full time... then it would be silly for you not to be a "parent" in your home. Where else will this child learn the true dynamics of a family? Where else will this girl learn what a real man should act like, and how a husband and wife should work together and communicate, and back each other up when making choices that affect the home and family...?? I may take a rather strong position on not sitting back and letting your DW handle it, but I would think the lenght of time, and age you came around would play very big roles in this...

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I don't know what your answer is. Guess you could tell the W that if she doesn't want you to have any say in the discipline, then you have no responsiblities either. And I mean none. Zip. No more rides to school. DW will have to work to pay for SD's clothing, food, etc. Sorry, game up!

Or you could play the what do you think we should do. DW asks SD to change the channel. No response. You could turn to DW and say...dearest DW, what would you prefer I do now because your darling child is turning a deaf ear to your instructions to change the channel. I don't wish to upset you by saying or doing the wrong thing, so how can I help you here without damaging SD's fraglie little self, or making you feel badly about me deciding I need to correct poor little SD blah blah blah etc.

If your Sd is being disrespectful, your wife is constantly siding with her, what other choice do you have? Believe me, I deal with it with my SD17, and it's even worse than a 13 y.o.