Help Me

I am a new mom of an 8 month old who is my whole world. I love being his mommy....here is where the problem lies. When he was just 3 weeks old my SD bio mom was arrested for drugs and she came to live with us full time. She is 10 and a HOTMESS. Her mother has signed off all of her rights and lives in some apartment 40 minutes away. I love my husband and he is a great daddy to our son but the relationships with his daughter if just weird. He feels like he has to be her hero...swoop in and save the day. The kid is a mess she is the size of a 5 year old, has a poor diet, severe excema and acts like a grown ass women. My house is no longer my house, my husband is no longer my husband and my son has just been pushed aside because all anyone seems to care about is her and her drama. He can't tell her no, and treats her like his wife. I feel like I am only here to watch her while he is at work and take care of the baby. I want to leave so bad but I hate to do that to my son. He deserves a home with two parents but this kid is ruining everything. I hate her and everything she stands for. Please help me

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Did your husband knee the

Did your husband knee the condition if his daughter health before she moved in with you guys?

All the stuff you listed seem like red flags for abuse/neglect and I wonder if your husband knew about it. Especialy the fact that she is the size of someone half her age. How can you not feel pity for her if she looks malnourished?

Edited:

I didn't mean to attack you in my comment. Just I personally know cases where children have been neglected and as a result they act older than they are because they are force to be independent at a young age. I do not blame you for disliking her though. You do not have to love her. But from what you wrote o can see why she is having some issues.

Yes he fought hard and spent

Yes he fought hard and spent tons of money but didn't have enough evidence or support to get her taken away from mom

Don't hate the kid, its the

Don't hate the kid, its the PARENT'S fault. Your DH is parenting by guilt; essentially not parenting AND giving SD 100% authority and 0% responsibility. You have been assigned just the opposite. It's DH's behaviour that needs to be corrected before there will be any improvement.

If he sees nothing wrong in the way he is spoiling her, you have a BIG problem. Try to bring up these points with him. If he is dismissive or worse yet, defensive, (ye olde chesnut "you hate my kid") you'll have to think about your options.

You definitely need to make

You definitely need to make sure you're explaining the risks of parenting out of guilt. I get it... especially if the kid is malnourished and mom just up and signed off on her. Any parent would feel terrible for their child, but he can't parent out of guilt. It's going to make the situation SO MUCH worse.

Have your DH read a book

Have your DH read a book about Disney parenting also known as Marshmellow parenting. Or if he's not the type, then when the two of you g somewhere let him drive and casually read out articles you find about it to him. I've done both. I've encouraged my DH to research parenting issues and other phases/habits that SS5 has gone through and I've read excerpts to him in the car and asked his opinions to get a discussion going.

Her father tried very hard to

Her father tried very hard to help her and get her healthy but she would just go back to moms and end up looking the same. He fought hard and spent tons of money but he had no one to back him up and not enough evidence to support him getting custody.

I appreciate all of the help,

I appreciate all of the help, dad has been trying to advocate and fight for his daughter these past 5 years to no avail. Bio mom and her family have fought him tooth and nail. Since she has been with us she is healthier but yet we have serious issues. I will not live in a house where my son is overlooked....that is not fair for him. It is not my sons fault that his father married a dead beat and had a kid with her. This little girl goes to visit her mothers parents once a week and throws it in my husbands face all the "stuff" they bought her and if she wants it they get it for her. It has to hurt his feelings. She is manipulating, and odd. I am not the only one who sees this. We have sought after counseling yet she won't talk. I just don't know what to do. My husband and I fight all the time and talk about divorce daily. This is not what I signed up for.

If you don't have helpful,

If you don't have helpful, positive advice please don't comment. I have enough negativity to deal with thank you

What a rough situation all

What a rough situation all around. You've got an 8 mo old that is consuming your world and time and he now gets his 10 yr old full time who has as many or more needs than your infant.

It sounds like DH really has no idea what to do with his daughter, how to address her issues and how to parent her. Perhaps it was not fully his choice but DH has been absent over half of her life and is now trying to play hero and make up for it.

You need to put yourself and your son first. I would stop talking about divorce and consider time apart instead so that he can get his priorities straight and figure out this situation with his daughter. He may come to realize that she may be better off living with her grandparents while he visits and learns to parent her gradually.

Have you seen the movie "Gimme Shelter."? Its based on a true story, a similar situation to yours except the girl is a teen.

Take care of yourself and that sweet boy. Best to you.

Still learning thank you for

Still learning thank you for the advice. I think that we both need to reevaluate what is important and right now that is my son. I appreciate you taking the time to understand and help me out.

dang - this is enough to

dang - this is enough to drive any one to the looney bin....

simply ignore the SD, she's not the problem here, your husband is.... nothing stops you from controlling him a bit more, just give him his son and say, Hon you have 2 children now I am busy you need to look after "John"

BM signed over all rights and powers to DH, good, start parenting SD, if she has a tantrum after you told her NO... simply take her to her room and say, you can stay here now till you have manners and apologize... if DH tries to intervene give him the evil eye and say.... are you sure you want to do this.....

Thank you...not to mention DH

Thank you...not to mention DH and I have only been married for a year and a half. We never had the newlywed phase. I feel so ripped off, I never got to experience that with him and I feel my son got ripped off because he has never been able to have his mom and dad to himself. I get that he is only 8 months old but this is the only baby I will ever have and I can't help but feel totally ripped off. I just want her to go to her grandparents and give us some time to establish "our" family. She has had 9 years for it to be about her now it is my sons turn. My husband will not plan anything or do anything without her being involved....I get so angry by this. While SD is at her "other" families she gets to do so much...well basically whatever she wants because like she says "they treat me like a princess over there" and here we sit with this beautiful baby boy and making zero memories with him...so sad...I tell him all of the time that we will never get this time back with him...so sad...I am lost, depressed and so unhappy.

Hon, who's stopping you to

Hon, who's stopping you to build memories with your BS? No one.... you plan a thing, DH does not want to shrug it off and you and S simply do it alone.....

laugh at DH and say - you will have to explain to BS one day why you where never there... but stop putting lives on hold because DH can't do a thing without his daughter...

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