We Met the Therapist
The never-ending saga continues...
I blogged on Monday that BM finally agreed to a therapist for SS 6.5 to address his "issues," and my fear and reluctance about it.
DH and I had another monster blow up on Monday night about everything, and I ended up a blubbering mess because of how miserable the constant dealing with his ex is making me. They're email only for communication, but there have been something like 40 emails in the month of January, and it's only 1/27! In December, there were something like 20. And nothing ever gets accomplished, except that DH gets upset. I'm not even getting the emails, but just the mention of more of her drama is enough at this point to ruin my day because I know that the purpose of them is to keep DH focused on her bull sh*t--to remind him she's in control--rather than actually accomplish anything for anyone, least of all the kids.
A big piece of the problem is DH. He won't set boundaries, and when/if he tries, he's inconsistent about applying them. I've expressed my frustration with this and reminded him that his CO is his boundary, if nothing else. He's starting to get it, but enforcing boundaries of any kind is really hard for him.
So we met with the therapist last night to get ahead of BM's distorted narrative. We explained the situation, that SS has been AWOL since July (other than 30 minutes at Thanksgiving), that it's a loyalty conflict at best and PAS at worst, that the relationship with BM is horrible, the whole shebang. I also told her that I would not be participating, except to support DH and that SS is not welcome in the house because I have my bio-daughter to protect from SS and his mother's BS.
I liked her, I think. She was unflappable, even through our stories of the worst of the crazy. She's been around awhile, was in the military (both DH and BM are active duty), and picked right up on both the PAS and BM's narcissism, without us having to tell her about them.
So at the moment, I'm hopeful for DH. As much as he'd like to deny it, the rejection by his son is killing him and he is concerned about the boy's future under the thumb of BM.
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Comments
Well, if she didn't start out
Well, if she didn't start out with "YOU need to try harder and love him like your own!" then I'd be cautiously optimistic.
I once had a therapist I was seeing alone just to help deal with my frustration at dealing with SS and BM, I went in asking for help with learning coping mechanisms and relaxation techniques I could use when things got shitty. After three sessions of seeming to be "ok" she said, "Well, now that you're a little more relaxed let's talk about what you can do to bond with your SS...I think you should ask him to bake cookies with you!" (I shit you not, the woman suggested I ask him to BAKE COOKIES so we could BOND after I told her how miserable he was making my life!)
When I told her that I didn't WANT to try BONDING, I just wanted help ACCEPTING the situation, she told me I was ridiculous because I had to learn to love him and start treating him like he was my own. I told her she had no business anywhere near step families since she obviously had no clue and never went back.
I hope this one works out, it does sound like a good start! But, I tell everyone, if the first doesn't work out then try another. Don't throw away the whole idea because you don't get a good fit first time around.
I agree with Jasper. I told
I agree with Jasper. I told my DH I didn't want to hear about Puke or BM. I asked him not to jump to answer BM's phone calls as that was disrespectful to me. Well, that didn't last long. I just don't saying anything about it but have filed it for future reference if needed.
Not knowing has made me much happier.
The therapist SS7 goes to is
The therapist SS7 goes to is amazing. He has even explained disengagement for certain situations and how to not feel guilty if you are disengaged. He also explained right away that I would not be able to change how BM is or the way she thinks so she is a moot point. Keep listening and try to implement as many techniques as she gives you. It really helps to keep from going insane. I was on the brink before talking with SS and therapist and am slowly learning what I can control and change and what to just walk away from!