I don't know why I stay
I'm not sure why or how but I let SD get into my head. My SO and I got together because I got pregnant. And I just feel in my gut he's always going to love his ex. Even his kids notice a difference. My SD10 told me how her dad loved his other kids mom and how he would act with her and honestly I let it go until I started thinking about it. He's always remembering "innocent," things about her and making comparisons between the two of us. And another thing I found out they are still legally married and that bugs me. I just feel like I'm always going to be the poor mans substitute of her. My SD10 only acts like she likes me in front of her dad and I feel like if I ever told him how I really feel about her he would leave me. He had told me on many occasions that the kids always come first to him. Maybe he's with me only for our daughter??
Am I fighting a loosing battle? Am I setting myself up to get my heart crushed more than it already is? Maybe it would be better if I just left. I'm a horrible step mom. I can't stand my SDs. I hold so much resentment and bitterness. I want someone to want me and put me first and love me. Am I asking too much? My heart is so heavy. I feel like I'm a broken piece of glass that just hasn't fallen apart yet, but one little bump and I will be in a million pieces.
Thanks for listening.
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You need to talk to him. You
You need to talk to him. You and him are together. honestly if he really wants to be with you he will want to talk this out and help you. If he loves you then he wont mind talking about this. From what it sounds like he still has something for her. sorry. But he should respect your say in the situation and i would come out and say it. do you have a thing for her still? He could just be lost in the situation and maybe he needs you to bring him back so you need to talk to him most deffinitly.
In my oppinion I believe he has a thing for this woman. If i were you have the talk and if he blows you off then thats a huge red flag. after that i would say I think we need time away from eachother. if hes like ya your right... ok then ya leave him, you sound like such a sweet and caring person and you deserve better than him. but if hes like no no lets try and work it out then he obviously still wants to be with you.
As for you being a bad SM and not likeing your kids lol i think its the situation with him and you blowing over to them and maybe having stress with the kids from your guy.
good luck i will pray about the situation and you.
First off {{{Hugs}}}...I'm so
First off {{{Hugs}}}...I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a terrible feeling.
I agree with Jeffrey, talk to SO. Try and keep your eyes wide open for signals. I think your gut will know if he's sincere. I would worry that you just found out he's still married. I know his kids are important, but if he's going to be with you, YOU have to be a priority too. You're not a horrible step-mom...you're in pain. And it doesn't sound like skids are very nice to you.
Approach him in a very non-confrontational way..let him know how much you're hurting, but don't blame him. If he just gets super defensive, that's a red flag. If he really loves you, he will want to work this out, just as Jeffrey said. Don't let him compare you with any ex. You are you, and if he cannot appreciate you for that, he doesn't deserve you. Stay strong and good luck! Please keep us posted how you're doing.
I agree with what they said
I agree with what they said honey. Forgive me if you have said this before, but how old is your baby? I am wondering if you are struggling too with post partum depression, which I understand can be devastating. I would definitely try to give him the benefit of the doubt but watch what he does objectively if you can, study him and then have an honest discussion of what his feelings are for ex.
I have read on here a lot of times of people having feelings for their ex at first or in the early stages of a relationship but then coming to realize what they have now in their new partner. My DH was actually like this at first, I encouraged him to go to ex and try to make it work, but he said - after what she did to me, no way, then I was like, well then shut up about her I don't want to hear it. And he did. But we had to have that talk, he didn't realize how he was coming across maybe.
But talk to him. And realize too, that maybe you are depressed over the whole situation and don't beat yourself up dear. Do you have any friends or family who support you in this situation? just asking because most of us don't. So I am glad you are writing here. Keep us posted. HUGS
I'm thinking this is partly
I'm thinking this is partly baby blues (DD 4 months). But, I did gently bring up stuff with SO. I have very mixed feelings. He does still feel for his ex. He said he never thought they wouldn't be together forever and she hurt him more than anyone could. He doesn't want her back, and he does want to be with me. He's just not where I'm at. He did get very defensive and doesn't think my feelings have any grounds. And he did make it clear he feels his kids are the only thing he will have forever so its always them over anything. Though he had no idea SD10 was disrespectful to me (I only told him a VERY little bit of what she does) so he's going to try not to put responsibility of her on me and put me in those situations.
So I'm just kind of processing. Its hard knowing that I'm in a different place then him. It makes me wonder even more how often he's thinking about her. And I'm realizing while some things may change there are things that could stay the same. I'm trying to give myself time and process taking into account my emotions are haywire. And I'm going to try to take advice I've given others and just be a mom to mine right now. The step parenting will have to work itself out at a later time.
As far a support or friends, I met my SO while I was working in another state. All my friends and family is 1000 miles away. All I have here is him. And most people think I'm crazy for staying, there's so much more to the situation then I can share in a few blogs but I find sharing and the camaraderie of steptalk so helpful.
Well it sounds like he was
Well it sounds like he was unaware. I am wondering if you guys are young? because those kind of 'long lost love' feelings seem to come at their height at that age I believe, I mooned over one guy forever but it really held me back until I stopped.
And it sounds like he is willing to try, and does care. So that is great, you are not working completely by yourself in a vacuum.
I know what you mean about having no one to talk to. I still feel that, because no one I know is in a step situation, plus there are things I feel I can't discuss even here, due to privacy issues. But it does help tremendously to know we are not alone
Hang in there, I think you have a good chance for real happiness with him!!! fingers crossed
He may have "feelings" for
He may have "feelings" for his ex, but they're probably not like the feelings he has for you. He is in pain, and that can really cloud your judgement. It sounds like you both need a little time to process things. At least now he is aware of how you feel. See what he does with that knowledge. The good thing is, you don't have to make any decisions now. When I was married to my first husband, I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay (he was an alcoholic). I realized what an important decision it was and it should not be a rash one. So I waited it out...it took me 8 full months before I finally made my decision, but I knew it was the right decision.
Just take that time you need, enjoy DD. Be a good mom and a good wife...the answer will come to you. He will either get over the ex and appreciate what he has right in front of him, or he will stay stuck where he is, but you will know. Your feelings are very valid, so don't let him tell you they aren't. And it is NOT your fault. He probably got defensive because he felt guilty for having feelings for her.
If you can, try and find a "mom's" group locally that have play dates with their kids or somewhere else that you can meet people, church, etc. It will help to get out and make friends. You won't feel so isolated. I hope it all works out how you want it to. Hang in there!