I love my wife, but can't stand my SS!!
I know that this sounds horrible, and I feel like a horrible person for even having these thoughts, but it's true. I can't even pretend anymore. I've written a couple of blogs in the past kinda venting about him, but it's gotten SO much worse now. The problem is that my wife and I have had a lot of issues over this, and our relationship isn't looking so hot right now either. I love her, but I just can't live with her son. I've attempted counseling for him, but he won't talk, and my wife doesn't feel that he even needs to go to counseling. As a matter of fact my 9 yo son just started counseling himself because my wife feels that he has issues and the counselor pulled me in her office and asked me why he's even there, so I explained to her, and she told me that my son is a typical boy. I then went on to explain the mean, nasty, rotten attitude that my SS gives my son, and she asked why he doesn't come in for counseling then. When I brought it up to my wife she about bit my head off because we can't make him go if he doesn't want to..."NO BUT I CAN KICK HIM IN THE ASS TO MAKE HIM TALK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!!" My relationship with my SS used to be o.k, but it's never been any better than just o.k., and my wife blames me and tells me that I'm being immature. I keep my cool usually for so long that when I do lose it, it's not good, and no I'm not abusive(although sometimes I feel like grabbing the little punk by the throat!) I dont' even know why I'm on here. I guess that I'm looking to find somebody who may be in the same boat as me who can give me some advice. I've tried talking to my wife, but anytime I bring up any kind of issues I see with my SS, my wife gets mad and then proceeds to tell me that my kids are just as bad and that maybe I should look into getting them help and not worrying about her son. Her son is very rough with all of the kids in the house, but especially my 9 yo. One day while I was at work they were screwing around and my SS left bruises all over my son's arm. When I asked my son he told me what had happened. I brought it up to my wife during a disagreement and told her that I didn't appreciate her son abusing my son, and then she got all defensive and told me that my son was a liar and that he needs to toughen up. She also says that I baby my son too much and I need to let him take some pain. I do agree that you can't put your kids in a bubble, but I also don't think that you should allow them to be bullied in their own home. Anyway, a week after our little argument my wife took it upon herself to sit down with my son while I was at work and tell him that he is a f#cking liar and that he shouldn't be staying stuff about her son, and that she will not lose HER kids over anybody especially not a liar like him. Well, in my opinion enough is enough, and my wife already told me that if it came down to it and she had to choose between me and her son, that he would always come first. It's no wonder that my SD doesn't live with her mom. Well, help me if you can.
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PM MSloan
He is having the same trouble with his wife and her daughter. He might be someone good to talk to this about.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Wow...
What your wife is doing is wrong on so many levels:
1) She should NOT be talking to your son or ANY of the kids like that. Period. And you need to make it clear to her that you won't tolerate her talking to ANY of the kids (yours OR hers) like that.
2) She is not doing her son any favors by allowing him to treat people like that. It sounds like he has behavioral issues and could use some counseling and more discipline from her.
3) She needs to apologize to your son for talking to him like that, and she and SS need to apologize to the entire family (including SD) for how they've treated you all.
4) Not only should you consider couples counseling, but counseling for the entire family and each family member (including SD) as well.
If you ever feel like you're going to explode on SS, go for a run, bike ride, walk the dog, blog here, do something to make yourself feel better. This is a great site! Welcome!
RE:
She is a bully and she is raising a bully. She has classic motherhood denial where her child can do no wrong and any dysfunction is everyone else's fault.
Search your heart and think long and hard on whether you want to stay in this relationship. If you do, I think it's going to take a LOT of work on everyone's part to get on the same page and stop the finger pointing and animosity between not only your kids and hers, but between you and your wife.
This seems more like two families living under one roof and trying to force a union. It seems like the only person even trying to promote harmony and make things work is you. If you guys are going to stay together then your wife and her son are going to need to jump on the wagon and work with you.
I agree with Anon - counseling for EVERYONE would be a good option. But you can't just send one person to counseling and expect it to fix things. It's not one person at fault for making things difficult. Everyone needs to work at making this family whole. If that can't happen then you can try and try and try but eventually your head will get really hurt from banging it against the wall.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
oh how I can relate
I feel the same way about my SD and I am so sad about that. I wish I had some advice for you. If you get any good advice, please send it my way.
Good luck.
Angeliabb
Life is what you make it.
Hi there Nofear. So much of
Hi there Nofear. So much of what you wrote is a similar reflection of my trials with DW and SD13.
As far as advice, my 1st suggestion is that both you and your wife should see a counselor together. Your marriage is at stake and you are 2 seperate divided camps. That cant work. If you can both gain a better understanding of each other and how you see your kids and skids that will help the 2 of you act united when dealing with either child.
It isnt easy at all. Ive been on a rollercoaster of highs and lows (more lows) the past 2 years. We have been in counseling for over a year. We are making progress, though at times it seems all progress is lost easily.
My wife and I have BD2 also. If we didnt have BD2, I would be gone. It would break me but I would leave. I love my wife dearly, and though things are strained, what we once had is still there, covered in the debris SD13 is stirring up.
Real my past blogs, maybe they will help, maybe they will depress you... I dont know which, but I got some encouraging words that have helped alot, so read through the comments as well. Thats where you might find the best information.
Good luck.
don't fear your not alone
We have the same problems in our home, I have three(2 boys 1 girl) he has one(11) ( boy)my boys are 16 and 19. the 19 y/o doesn't live with us), anyways we have had the same issues, my ex commited suicide so my boys are very angry, to them he is "my moms husband,not MY dad"my daughter LOVES him and calls him dad, my boys have never really respected him, my husband has never overstepped his bounderies. both boys have taken his truck in the middle of the night with no license, the oldest didn't even have a permit,sometimes I wish he would of kicked there asses,(thats probably the worst thing they have done to him.)(but i know it pissed him off and hurt him) we have the same arguments. mine, yours, the truth is we don't treat each others like our own, the only one we co-parents is the girl(11). I think this is what keeps "us" going ,I love my husband to death, He is what I've looked for in a partner ,even though we might not agree with each other on the kids, we respect each other as husband and wife. I got to the point that these kids WILL LEAVE someday (one is already gone) I didn't care anymore who liked who,Don't get me wrong I love all these kids to death, but I wasn't ready to quit living MY life because of them. my husband and I have experienced so many GOOD things between us that he has showen me a life I always wanted. Is he more important then the kids? no,but he is JUST as important , I went threw hell with my oldest but slowly he is coming around, I never thought he would, he caused alot of damage between him and I and my husband. I'm not sure if I helped or not, but if you truly love her,you'll need to try to be on the same page, not all the time, but pick some things that you do agree on and stick with it??????
Your job
should be to protect your son. Her job is to protect hers. That is number 1.
Your love life is #2.
If you can do both, great. If your or her child are a mess because of the "togetherness" with another clan, you two adults need to pull back.
Anyone calls my kid a f anything, they would be picking up their teeth. THEY WOULD NOT BE IN MY HOME FOR A SECOND LONGER.
love life is not #2
I don't agree... because your spouse is not "love life" is your life, if it was an affair, I would understand... but wives and husbands are our LIFE PARTNERS; therefore they don't *just* represent "our love life". And they DO NOT come number second, sorry...
A family should not be about "making teams" with the kids and "you protect yours and i protect mine".
The couple should be the only team and the united front, in order to raise the children equally. If that can't happen, then chaos is inevitably...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
love life is number 2
If you are being a good parent. JMHO
It is not about teams-----it is about love & safety.
so when the kids
become teens and hate you, are you gonna be happy you put THEM first? My husband is very important, we make it a point to do things without the kids, my teenage boys have put me and my husband threw hell, I feel I did everything I could, I TRIED counceling, sports, hunting, Big Brothers program,
me spending one on one time, the schools went beyond the call of duty to do what they could, my boys pretty much crapped on everybody,, Who knows maybe it was because i got re married, maybe it's just what some teens do, i'm just saying putting our lives aside is also once again giving into them. i don't know who's first in my life i just love everyone Differantly.
I agree with Gmama
I don't want to turn this into a big debate. I love my children and my boyfriend much differently. I'm not going to boink my BF when my daughter needs feeding, but then again I will not put the wants of one over the needs of another.
A loving relationship needs closeness, it needs devotion, it needs sacrifice and compromise. And it needs sex.
I have seen so many of my friends' relationships fall apart because one or both of the parents thought they were doing the pious parental duty of putting their children first. Their love life failed, they grew apart from their partners and ended up divorced.
I think that as far as love and attention goes, all members of the family should be equal. If anyone feels slighted or omitted or put off, the balance gets off and relationships suffer.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*