Help with money issues and stepdaughter
I've been married 5 years to my husband and he and I together have 5 grown daughters. My husbands daughter, who has 4 children is always asking us for money. It would not upset me to help her if she was frugal with her own money. She is a stay at home mom and her husband is military and he makes good money. It seems that every month that rolls by, she always needs money either from my mother in law, her mother or us. She's very manipulative about asking. Also, she will post on Facebook that they went to Seaworld or Disneyworld and I think she forgets that we see it when she asks for money. My husband feels the same way and I think it is his responsibilty to talk to her about blowing money and then needing help. His excuse is that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. She will ask for money for the kids to do cheerleading or soccer. Back when my kids were young, they didn't get to do things if we didn't have money. I never asked my parents for money for things like that. Then when we do help, we get no thank you or anything. When we send gifts to the kids, she never even calls to say they got them!! Alot of times when she asks for money, its for stuff that she really doesn't even need anyway. How do we tell her no without hurting her feelings and how do we stop the asking? I'm to the point that I have resentment towards her and I don't even want to send gifts for birthdays anymore. We get along great and she adores me (so her dad says) and I don't want to ruin that, but I'm tired of being manipulated. She's been married for eight years and should be established for the most part. You'd think she has learned from her past financial mistakes that others in the family have baled her our of but I think she thinks that all she has to do is ask us. Any suggestions?
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It is time for everyone to
It is time for everyone to start saying No to her. As long as she knows she has people to help her out she will never become responsible with her money.
I totally agree! I'm just
I totally agree! I'm just afraid that if it is me, I'll be the wicked stepmother that I don't want to be. Her grandmother (my husbands mother) has already "cut her off" but just recently I found out she loaned/gave her 1000.00! I think her grandmother feels the same way I do but I just don't think she has the heart to tell her no. I've had a lengthy conversation with my husband about it and I just think he has alot of "guilt" over not being around her since the divorce from her mother.
There's no way to tell her no
There's no way to tell her no that won't damage the relationship or hurt her fee fees. And Your hubby wont say no because it will damage the relationship. She's counting on that fact to keep her gravy train rolling.
Now I would question whether I would want a relationship with someone that is based entirely on me giving them money when they held out their hand....
Your basic question is how to turn SD and her DH into self sufficient adults.....you can't.
Only thing you can do is tell her no and let the so called jrelationship suffer or continue to say yes.
Good luck.
Thank you and you are
Thank you and you are absolutely right. I can't continue to allow her to manipulate me (I take care of our finances) anymore. I've decided that I will say no the next time, but I'll do it gently. I don't want to use excuses either. My girls bd23 and bd18 are both out on their own, paying their own bills and NEVER ask us for money! My bd23 has a son and is a single mom and makes it on her own and she doesn't even make that much money!! I brought that up to my dh and he knows its the truth! He's embarassed by the SD26 behaviour. We went to visit with SD26 in Texas in May. We did say that we would buy groceries for the week that we were there, meaning that we would provide evening meals. We go to the grocery store and she starts loading the cart down, papertowels (8 pack), laundry detergent, toilet paper (12 pack) and all this household stuff. I was pissed the minute she started doing that. Anyway, when we went to check out $217.00!!!!!!! Needless to say, my DH caught hell about it and I still resent her for it. Thats the way she is!!!!!
One thing I can't stand is to
One thing I can't stand is to be manipulated. I would never dream of asking for money for anything!! Not unless it was a REAL emergency!!!
Next time she asks for money,
Next time she asks for money, make sure you say 'yes we will loan you the money'...use the word loan, over and over if you have to. then see if she pays you back. If not and the next time rolls around, remind her about the loan you gave her back when and she still hasn't paid you for that loan. And kinda let her know that you and her father need to start watching your finances more for whatever reason...retirement, whatever, repairs to the house.
for some people this is a way
for some people this is a way of life-(I've got inlaws like this). They just cannot grasp that they need to EARN their own money. Since dh and I make decent money-they thing we are the Bank of America. If they need money-well, dammit we are supposed to give it to them. We've been asked for cigarette money, money for electric bills, homeowners insurance, money for a yearly fee for a storage unit (2000.00) and bond money to get sil out of jail. These are just a few of the things we've been asked for over the years. Sadly we get this from ALL of dh's family-his dad, his mom, my sil, my bil. It's why I dont speak to any of the losers and dh is down to speaking only to his mom on occassion and rarely my sil (which that definitely needs to stop as well). They are parasites, yet they see nothing wrong with what they do. We have it, they dont, we're family, we need to share the wealth. My guess is that your sd doesnt get it either-I could never ask that much money from my parents-my sense of guilt and shame would be tremendous. Your sd does not have that feeling apparently. I think you are going ot have to be quite blunt with her and just let her know that the money train has stopped for whatever reason. You want to save for a vaca, retirement, your worried that she will never learn to take care of herself-whatever your reason is but you must be firm that under no circumstance will you ever loan her money again.