Summer Vacay, NOPE! Summer Staycay!
A little background...I have been trying to get my DH to take our family (me, 2xBD's) on a small vacation. I was on a leave of absence from work and we had time during the week to go somewhere. DH said no, because SS couldn't go with us.
Fast Forward to summer visitation...
DH picks up SS for summer visitation. When DH arrives home with visiting SS, I am in my room changing clothes, but hear SS say, "so dad, what are we going to do today?" Blood boiling, I finished getting changed, calmly walk into the area where they are, politely say hello, and say, "and as for the question you just asked your dad, the answer is nothing. We are going to do what we do everyday when you aren't here, and that is nothing, so we are going to do nothing when you are here. We can't go anywhere or do anything when you aren't here, so we can't go anywhere or do anything when you are here. So stop asking." I then look directly at my DH, who's jaw has dropped to the ground, and say, "if you don't like my attitude, change it." And leave the room. SS says, 'okay.'
WTH! I am so tired of SS expecting to come over and be entertained every minute of the day! It is DH's fault, but I put a stop to it. Until DH gets it thru his head that he has two families, and stops dwelling on the fact that SS cannot do everything with us, I am going to do exactly what he wants to do...not a damn thing. UGH!
Rewind to earlier this spring...SS comes over and DH decides he wants to go get a movie that SS would like and we all have to watch it. This happens every visit for several months. (DH NEVER goes to get a movie that BD's might like and sits to watch it with them) I put my foot down and to both of them I say, "this is not a movie theater, SS has a dvd player and tv in the guest room, if he wants to watch a movie, he can watch one that he owns in the room." Heck, he won't even go get a movie for us to watch together after the BD's are in bed.
Now, I am back at work and so that the BD's don't have to be with a sitter, we work opposite schedules. Well, DH doesn't want to miss any time with SS, and decides to call in sick to work and schedule all of his hours after the 15th, when SS leaves. This means that OUR BD's are going to have to be with a sitter over night several times. I know, wah wah wah for me. But seriously, I don't believe it is fair for our children to have to be with a sitter because SS is here. DH still has to work. In addition to this wonderful situation, EVERY time the BM is able to get rid of SS, she leaves town so that she won't have to keep SS when DH has to work. MIL sits for SS, but cannot handle our BD's too, so our BD's end up with a non-family member because in MIL's words, "SS is special, he has been special to the whole family since the day he was born." I wasn't around the day he was born. Whatever.
Well, when I got in from work and walked into the house today, I said hi to our BD's and went to my room...SS or DH said something as I passed, and I said, "I don't want to talk to either one of you." Probably not the best thing to say, but soooooo pissy!!! Better for me to say that than what I really wanted to unleash.
Flames are coming out of my ears, I just needed to vent. I will go by Step Monster tomorrow. I know this doesn't flow very well, but I am typing from the top of my head with 100 thoughts going through my head.
Any suggestions on how I could have handled any of this better?
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Comments
I would be throwing flame daggers as well
I find it so interesting how the bioparents act the same, with only slight nuances. My H was just like this I recall H use to say to me when the SD's were with BM: well I don't want to go do X, Y, and Z b/c the girls won't get to experience it. I looked over my eyeglasses and said point blank: welcome to the world of divorce....they have 2 homes and 2 parents....they are at BM's experiencing something that my kids and we are not experiencing. They will have markedly different experiences when they are away and different lifestyles when living with BM because of the divorce, as will my children. We can't stop living when they are away; so you need to get over it.
He got the message and never mentioned it again.
Evilest Diva
I'd just keep the comments reserved for DH.
It's not SS's fault that his father acts the way he does. Have you ever tried to help DH find a balance for all of you- where he can spend 1-on-1 time with SS, but then do some things as a family with you too?
First off let me say that I
First off let me say that I am sorry and it sounds like you and your kids are being punished for your H's guilt. It is sad that he is not at least trying to spend equal amounts of time with all of his kids. I am in the same boat as you as far as work schedules. H works 1st and I work 2nd. We dont see much of eachother.I see the skids more than H.Your H needs to make time for all his kids. It is not fair what he is doing and I think you were in your own right to be fuming mad!I would speak to DH about how you feel and tell him he needs to work on this. Your marriage wont survive if it keeps going in this direction. I think your DH needs some counceling to deal with the guilt and not being able to have a life without feeling he left out SS. I also think that you both need at least one night a week to bond as a couple. Nothing good can come of the disintergration of your and DH's relationship. In order for children to have a stable healthy enviroment the parents must have a good relationship. DH is neglecting your kids and YOU. DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee. I hope that your both able to work this out. I would start by telling him how you feel and take it from there.I would however try my best to refrain from saying things like that to SS. Kids often dont understand or arent even at fault for the issues going on. Try your best to keep this between you and your DH.
It is better to be the hammer than the anvil.
Emily Dickinson
Andeanne
I haven't read any of the other posts yet. I had just had to let you know that my heart goes out to you!
We used to have the same situation. The Feckless Turd would keep the StepTurds so busy running that they expected it in our home too. I told DH that everyone needs some down time and the weekends were our down time. I didn't care if that was the only time they were with us. 1) TFT ran them so much they needed the rest and now 6 years later they look forward to the break instead of just thinking that we are mean and boring. 2) TFT bled us dry. I knew we couldn't keep up that life style for long. 3) I started scheduling parties and events around when the ST'S were not in my home. Partially for spite, but mostly because I wanted to start enjoying myself. Everyone was uncomfortable around the ST's. MIL and SIL used to make asses of themselves around the ST's. Gag!
STEPMONSTER: I feel for ya! I bought Stepmonster and even though (with 2 little kids and school myself) I can barely get through a page a day, it has been a real eye opener and life saver. I am half way through the book and I can't wait to get back to it every chance I get.
Good luck my dear. I'm with ya!
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
Andeanne - how old are the kids
And how long have you been w/DH. I don't blame you for being mad and commend you for letting DH know how you feel. Are there any special circumstances why DH feels extra guilty re. SS?
I had to point out to my DH that he and I and for example you and your BDs are a family, even without our SD. He was the same way and we did try to do special things when we have her but she did get so spoiled that now she does act entitled to these things.
I had no idea she would turn this way but it is a good idea to just have regular time when they visit and not constant entertainment. You have good instincts and I think your DH will hear you but it could cause an irreparable breach w/SS if he feels you don't like him. So be careful in what you say where he can hear. Also if BM sticks her nose in, it could escalate WHEN he reports back to her, like kids and BMs do. So maybe try to work it out with DH just between the two of you.
I would be mad too if you can't do anything all summer though. Hang in there!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Andeanne - how old are the kids
oops