Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world.
I am 24 years old. My story begins about a year ago when I met the man of my dreams. The best friend of my brother in law, this man is everything I never knew I always wanted. He was living several states away at the time and in the process of separating from the Air Force. He would be moving into my area after the first of the year. He also has two little boys, 5 and 7, and an ex-wife. After he left the Air Force, he ended up moving into my 600 square foot shoebox. New relationships, as we all know, don't include personal space. Therefore, us living on top of each other in the smallest apartment in the world was not an issue. That is, until, the real mom decided that the boys should come stay with us for the summer. I've never dated a man with children, especially not with school age children, and I had several nervous breakdowns about it. But, at the end of the day, I love this man and the children that he made. So, we drove 8 hours to meet the real mom half way and make the switch. The was the first time I had met her or the children and it was quite an overwhelming day. That evening, the real mom and I talked and I really felt like it was going to be possible for us to be friends. Not because we had to be, but because we wanted to be. She asked the BF and I how we felt about just keeping the kids with us indefinitely so that she could save up some money to move closer to us. A resounding 'absolutly not' was the answer she got. The space we have is hardly suitable for two young boys for the summer, let alone years of school and such. By the way, I'm just the girlfriend. The very scared girlfriend. The kids are great! Two adorable, energetic, fun little boys. About two weeks or so after they moved in with us (for the summer), the real mom calls the BF and lets him know that she ended her lease at her apartment, sold all her furniture, and moved to another state to stay with some friends. Obviously, she didn't hear the 'absolutly not' that we gave her earlier. This single, totally disrespectful decision has changed the entire course of my life....
I love these children just as much as I love the man, but I have grown to resent them, him, and this whole life that I've had to adopt. I had to find a larger apartment, cancel my plans for school, totally depleate my savings account, and find a way to incorporate homework, bus schedules, book fairs, and birthday parties into a life that I'm not ever sure I can handle. The real mom came to visit for the 7 year olds 8th birthday. She stayed with us. I cried for the three days she was here. I can't believe that I've let this woman bring me to my knees. The truth of it is, though, that I feel completely at the mercy of her twisted mind. As the girlfriend, I don't even get a say in most situations. There is no box for me. Even though I set them up for school and do most, if not all, of the leg work required for whatever they seem to get themselves into, I am still a no one. 'Family Friend' is what I'm known as....and that is just not okay for me.
I am always stressed, depressed and want to do something! Something that has nothing to do with children! I'm just having the worst time giving up the life I knew for the life I have now. I love the children, believe me, I do. But having kids without actually 'having' kids is challenging. Being a step parent is the hardest, most thankless job in the world.
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Comments
NTRM, Welcome
It sounds like you are soooooo stressed out right now and need a moment to chill out. I'm sure this must have been majorly overwhelming for you, to be so young have now have two school age children in your small home!
Are you guys planning to move soon? Next time BM is planning to come visit she should NOT be allowed in your home. Let her stay with friends, or at a hotel. There is no reason why she needs to stay with you guys.
Is she paying your BF child support? If not then she should be.
And why are you the "Family Friend?" Family friends don't do what you do for those kids. Its time for BF to have a talk with his children. They will understand certain things at their ages.
You...
Giana222,
Could NOT have said it any better!
Not the real parent,
If you are wise you will run to the nearest exit door to this relationship. Then NEVER look back with regret. I wished I would have before I realized what I had gotten myself into then it was too late.
You are too young to be settling down with all of this baggage and heartache. You deserve someone who is willing to take your feelings into consideration when making decisions that affect you and the future together.
Go to school and do the things you want to do first before settling down with anyone or a family that you will never really be a part of.
All my thoughts went out the door when you said
she came to visit and stayed with you guys. You're a tougher woman than I am my friend, because it would have been a huge resounding HELL NO at my house.
What does your BF think about the way the kids were dumped on you? Does he realize what this is doing to you?
I sooooo totally
second that!
how did you survive BM staying with you?
I cant get past that statement! Where did she sleep? Why didnt BF tell her no way you cant stay here, get a room!!! It sounds like you are giving up everything - school, savings, freedom. Where is BF? These kids are his responsibility financially and emotionally! You shouldn't have to give up school or your savings for someone else's kids, so they can call you the "family friend" huh????? You are brave, I couldn't do it.
I don't like the sound of
I don't like the sound of any of this... You're doing everything for the kids, including sacrificing your own education etc. Are you guys getting married? Sounds like you've taken on MUCH MORE than you bargained for and you're so young! I think your BF needs to take the lead on HIS kids in terms of their schooling and everything else. Somehow, you need to communicate this to him without being mean because you it's taking a negative toll on you.
Answers!
Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and give so much support. To answer some of the questions here:
We have moved (finally) into a much more suitable apartment. Unfortunatly, for me, it's more expensive also. I pay most of the bills because when the BF left the Air Force, it took 5 months for him to land a job. He was not of unemployment at the time and spent most of his savings. He contributes what he can, but I make more money to begin with. It was plenty enough to support myself, but now that I'm supporting four of us, it never feels like enough.
The BM stayed on the couch while she was here. She told the BF that she couldn't afford a hotel and I felt like I couldn't say no. How could I tell the real mom that she can't spend her son's birthday with him? She is NOT paying, by the way.
The BF knows that I'm stressed the hell out....I think that neither of us really know what to do about it. I just want all four of us to be happy together. I found this website and thought that maybe I could get some insight into other step parents, their situations, and how they deal with...well...everything.
Thanks for listening!
Run away now
Sorry to be blunt, but you are being taken advantage of. This BM is going to be a problem forever.
i have been in your shoes
please get out now. you have just opened pandora's box by letting that bitch bm stay with you. if u dont leave then the 'relationship' will consist of u bf and bm.
read my posts. nothing good can come out of your situation.
stand up for your rights
I am so glad to see this website. In the 80's I started a second wives groop call Second Wives of America Demanding Equality. We had members all over the place. We fought for joint custody, strict visitation enforcement and against the courts using the second wives wage to up the child support. We testified at public hearings, testified for and agaist state legistlation, and worked with of there groups like the fathers rights. We marched from the courthouse to the capital on fathers day with our picked sighns.
We tried to convince the courts if the ex wives would let the fathers see their children they probably would have less problem getting child support. We supported the payment of child support. I would like to ask all of you venting to write your congressman and senator and see if they would be inte3rested in introducing legistlation to protect the second wife.
yours forever
So I had the BM show up at my doorstep when the SS was 8 and say she couldn't control him she was done. We had him for a year got him into karate and he was doing good till one weekend after she had himfor a visit she called my husband to say she wouldn't be bringing him back becausse without both kids in her custody she had no control. Since then he is now 18 she pulls this stuff with both kids all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I didnt' love my husband so much if I'd still be around. She lectured me once about not wanting her to drop the kids off till my husband was home saying I married those kids and the responsibility when i married their dad. She married shortly after and for the past six years I have never seen her husband at a pick up or drop off. Sounds like your in a deep hole you better keep control or your life could become very ugly.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughts. I know, she is a problem. The most prominent sign of this is that everytime I even think of her, my own blood boils. My Mother always told me that 'hate' was a bad word, but I really HATE her. Is there a way for me to get past this....ever?
Getting past that hate is
Getting past that hate is hard. We usually vent it here.
I think for most of us, it's hater her or pity her or go between the two. I'm not even in my relationship, and I still hate her. I found the best way to handle some of that was to know when to take control and when to give it up and disengage. Set boundaries for yourself that respect YOU. Not just the bf, not just the bf and you, but you. Don't be combining finances with this guy right now. And, BM better be paying some CS right now since you're not going to school. I would draw the line way the hell back there. Your school and your future and your financial security should not suffer, especially not at this point in your relationship. You aren't married to this man. I wouldn't make those sacrifices just yet. You will resent her more for this and possibly the boys and bf in the future. At least, that was my experience. Hugs and good luck. It's not an easy road. It's not necessarily impossible, but make no mistake, it's not easy, perfect, or neat.
To every thing there is a season.
Lauren is right....
As time goes on the BM becomes part of the deal after you marry this guy.
know how you feel
I'm 26 and I was in a very similar situation 2 years ago. I'm not going to encourage you to break up with your BF (although I wouldn't discourage you either) because I'm sure people would've given me the same advice back then.
All I can say is that you're not alone. That, and don't give up on school. It's ridiculously hard to attend school in your situation, I'm sure, but if for some reason this relationship doesn't work out, you'll regret giving that up.
Good luck and I hope things get better.
honestly
I feel for you so very badly, being a SM is a thankless task, we are not the real mum so we have zero say in anything but we are still required to put our lives and plans on a backseat to run around, clothe, feed and do everything else for the kids that we did not chose to have, the problem with that is we chose our husband because we love him.
The husband does not notice that we do not sit down at night till about 10pm because we are still doing the dishes or making lunches or ironing uniforms for kids that are not ours. They dont notice that the BM is a manipulating ungrateful bitch who does not thankyou for taking such good care of HER kids but instead makes your life miserable by pulling all the strings.
We still work all day to pay her CS so she can go anywhere whenever she wants and just give us the kids to look after, however who pays us for looking after them??? friggin noone.
I wish i could say that there was an easy way to let the resentment and anger go but i cant because i am also the same as you, my life was never meant to be this way either. All i can hope for both of us is that we keep plodding along and remember that we love hubby and the kids will eventually get older.
But i would also think hard in your situation, is this really what you want for the rest of your life? You are not married yet and you are young you can change things. BM will never ever go away
hugs to you
Definitely get child support AND CUSTODY
She needs to PAY to support HER kids if they are with you. Dads do it, so should mom's, I don't care how she does it, just like no one cares how our DHs do it.
Also I would take this opportunity to get CUSTODY of the kids - so you DO have some say, influence and authority to make decisions and enforce them for the kids. Also if you are determmined to stay I would get MARRIED, so that YOU are protected legally as well.
If your BF is not working, he can handle the kids while you go to school. Let him support you all, don't do it for him!!!!! You have classes to take. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE without getting ALL of these things in return!!!!!!!!!
You are young is why I am spelling all this out, like some ole lady telling you what to do. But there is a reason these options are available, because they protect YOU. And if YOU don't look out for yourself, no one else will either honey. Trust me!! hugs
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2"I felt like I couldn't say
"I felt like I couldn't say no" You are letting those people walk all over you because you cant say no. They found an innocent victim to dump on and to support the whole damn family. You are 24 yo and your life has been flipped upside down by free loaders looking for a free ride and they are killing you.
"Its time to thin the herd"