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Can't get pregnant

Patch25's picture

Submitted by Patch25 on Wed, 07/25/2012 - 10:24pm

So my husband had a vasectomy when he was married to his first wife. He had it reversed about a year and a half ago and we still aren't pregnant. I have had tests to see if I am fertile and everything so far has come back fine. He, however, does have sperm antibodies which may be stopping us from conceiving. I am so angry at him for getting the vas... He claims he never loved his ex, which is believable to me from the way he used to treat her..( besides the point ). Which frustrates me more because why couldn't you just leave instead of staying in a crappy marriage. I feel like I am paying for things he did and it drives me crazy.. Then we have his kids three days a week which makes my feelings worse. I have to be around these kids that he had with another woman, that because they were born he had a vas which is ruining my life. I know it's not the kids fault and I do not treat them badly because of how I feel... But it tears me up inside. I really hAte being a step mom especially since currently we can't have kids of our own. I cry and cry and tell my husband my feelings and he says I am laying on the guilt and he already regrets what he has done. This is understandable but I have to tell him my feelings. I am having a really hard time and it's pretty much tearing us apart.

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step18's picture

Submitted by step18 on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:31am

Danger_Kitty your words made me think of my own behavior...My DH has apologized for some very unkind things he has said but sooner or later he says more stupid, hurtful things and then I beat him over the head about what he said now and throw in the stuff from yrs ago. So Im wondering if he shows remorse for the first act of stupidity but then says more stupid stuff, I can't bring up the old stupid things? Like if he really had remorse wouldn't he not say mean things again?

step18's picture

Submitted by step18 on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 1:11am

That's a nice way of saying it, "impulse control" I'll try to remember that what is coming out of his impulsive mouth does not necessarily match what's in his heart. But boy oh boy he's a blurter!

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:34am

Wow, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer advice on how to overcome it, but honestly, I have no idea. Maybe someone else here has been through that? I think that if you want kids, it will be very difficult to get over it, especially when you have to put up with his kids, etc...I am so very sorry...

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 12:58am

I understand your frustration and pain of TTC and fertility worries. I have been married 8 years, no protection, and actively using an OPK for a FEW of those years with two losses and now finally a pregnancy into second trimester after 8 years and that is with DH not having had a vasectomy or anything. I know I could feel resentment growing that he had a baby with someone else already, so I get it how you feel with his kids coming around.

1. Are you sure he really had the vasectomy reversed? Not that your DH would do that, but it has been done before where the man/woman would SAY they had the procedure reversed then didn't and just kept "trying" until the baby-wanting partner gave up and mourned their 'infertility', and moved on. I think I saw that in a lifetime movie, so take that with a grain of salt. Smile
2. Did you go to a fertility specialist and have them evaluate DH?
3. Are you using Ovulation Predictor Kit? (its awesome! It shows positive on the LH surge day, BUT you have to do it the NEXT two days, not just the day it shows up positive - I wasted a year doing it just the day it showed positive).

step18's picture

Submitted by step18 on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 1:14am

My friend caught her DH lying about reversing his. He had 4 kids already and really didn't want more but wasn't honest. She went to a sperm bank and was artificially inseminated & had her son. They're still married 20 yrs later!

stepmisery's picture

Submitted by stepmisery on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 8:28am

I do not agree at all that DH has to reverse a vas in order to prove he loves you, because you want a baby.

He already made that decision in life. Presumably he shared that info prior to marriage, thus you chose to marry a man who had already chosen to not have more children.

I think you do get to grieve and mourn what you won't ever have. Maybe you didn't fully understand the choice you made and are now realizing it. And you are also realizing the presence of stepchildren is not filling the void, although it's very possible your husband expects that they will.

If having a child is that important to you, you may consider adoption or even the sperm bank but your DH has to be completely on board with this. He may not want the financial responsibility of more children. Three kids are no small chunk of change.

Honestly, the best option is probably to find a partner that wants to have a child.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Thu, 07/26/2012 - 7:54am

I would struggle with the donor sperm idea, personally. My choice would be adoption.

No question DH wouldn't go for it, but there's no way I could carry some strangers baby in my stomach for 9 months.

I don't agree with the idea that "if he loves you he will agree to it. Because when you love someone you do what it takes to bring happiness to that person." I absolutely do not agree. How many stepparents do we have here who love their partner but refuse to participate/not participate in parenting their children?

My DH also had a vasectomy while he was married to BM. I knew it before I agreed to marry him. I chose to marry him knowing that I would never the opportunity to have children of my own. Yes, we discussed having it reversed. Financially, it wasn't going to happen. Even with a reversal, there is a chance it won't take.

If you were aware of the vasectomy before you got married & chose to marry him anyway, you're being incredibly unfair in staying angry with him for a choice he made before he even met you. You're blaming him for "ruining your life" because he had the procedure done, but if you knew that was the case before you married him, he isn't the one ruining your life. You're the one who chose a life with a man who 1)already had kids & 2)couldn't have more.

You're paying for choices YOU made in marrying this guy. If having your own children is what will make the difference in you being happy in life, leave & find a man who hasn't had a procedure done to keep him from having them.

You say, "Why couldn't he have just left instead of staying in a crappy marriage". This is a choice YOU have the opportunity to make now.