So confused
My DH and I are in counseling right now...he says he is 98-99% out the door, yet still calls me and talks to me regularly. We also see each other almost daily, even though we're separated. He hugs me, tells me he loves me and I mean the world to him. We have separated due to too much arguing for 11 days and this is a weekend we would normally have all of our children (7) together. He is staying at his dads and wants to see how much less stressful it is at his dads house without me getting stressed out and then us having an argument.
I have several issues with this:
1. Being in a house with no rules, no jobs, no responsibilities, none of our pets, household jobs, etc..., is not an equal comparison to use.
2. Having 7 kids alone is stressful, right?
3. I don't feel like he is 98-99% out the door with the way he is acting--any input there?
4. I am going to individual counseling, as is he, but his first appointment is on Monday, mine was last night. Counselor thinks our arguing issues are a communication issue and not all my fault. I pray that we can relearn how to communicate...
5. My daughter at home misses his daughters and wants to see them and I think this should be allowed...hasn't happened yet. WE have 7 kids in our family, not his four and my three.
Anyone been through anything like this?? Any words of wisdom? I want my family back...
Thanks!!
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Comments
Pinky
You know from a previous blog that I think your H is being a manipulative a** -- that 99% out the door thing really bugs me.
Your counselor thinks the arguing issues are not all your fault. I'm sure that's true.
Anyone who thinks the issues are all the other person's fault is deluded. Marriage is between TWO people. Two people contribute to the dynamic. They have to learn to communicate respectfully WITH EACH OTHER. Your H is expecting YOU to learn how to communicate with HIM.
I sure as h*** hope that your husband's counselor reads him the riot act and tells him he needs to get off his damn high horse. And I also really hope you guys get into joint counseling soon.
If he's not able to see that he's contributing to the dynamic as well, I'd say he's not worth keeping. Life's too short.
I did go through this with my ex-husband. He also thought everything was my fault -- even though in our counseling sessions the therapist spent 90% of his time talking to ex-H and trying to get him to realize he needed to shift his perspective.
We split up, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm now happily married to someone who isn't an a**hole.
(Sorry to be blunt!) Your husband can learn and change, but ONLY if he wants to!
HUGS!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
OH thank you!! The
OH thank you!! The counselor we are seeing is the same one, with joint appointments in the future but we want to learn to communicate better within ourselves, but yes, I agree with you that sometimes he expects me to work harder than him.
This website is such a great thing...blended families have such "different" issues than intact families and hearing others' stories, is such a blessing.
I think that
If he's not willing to change then its not going to work (sorry, I hate being so negative). Successful relationships need BOTH people to work towards making the relationship/marriage work. He needs to meet you halfway by being willing to work on communicating with you.
Here's my question: He says he's 99% out the door. What's the 1% that's preventing him from doing so?
That is a question I've been
That is a question I've been asking myself over and over. He says he loves me...he is acting as if he is just confused and torn between fighting when we have his kids, even though we fight when we don't have them too, and coming back home...
AH! MEN!!!! ARGH!!!!
That 1%
Is him leading you along by the nose, saying "It's your job to try to figure out how to do the magic thing that will keep me from leaving." That idea keeps him from having to think that maybe HE has to do something to help save the marriage. That way if it fails, it's all your fault.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Just not right...
I'm sure he knows HOW MUCH you DO love him, so he can get away with this kind of behavior. I am sure this is very very difficult for you.
I agree with everyone else that he is trying to make YOU do "all the work" while he just sits back and, well, WHINES. I know I couldn't do that, so maybe you just need some TIME to think about how unfair he is being to YOU. Maybe, in time, your feelings of upset will turn to indifference. Then you'll see him come running back....
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt