Honestly I don't like my skids
Let me start by saying that my DH and I have been together for over 6 years and happily married for 4 with a 3 yo BS of our own. When it's just the three of us, I am unimaginably happy. Its my dream life come true.
Now to reality. DH has two kids from his previous marriage. SD12 and SD 10. DH and BM have joint custody and they live less than 10 mins away so we see them alot. When they were younger things were...okay. Now that they are getting older and developing more personality, I feel like I am sometimes living with two mini copies of BM. I mean the attitude, the drama, the everything. I hate it.
Additionally SD 12 has some mental issues (depression, anxiety, low self esteem). She says she wants to come live with us full time. Like HELL NO. But of course DH wants to do what he thinks is best. We got her in therapy, make her take her meds consistently, refuse to let her on social media and keep her engaged with the family. No sulking in the room or sleeping all day. That's what she does at BM house. We've been doing a test run on her living here fulltime for over 3 months now and it seemed like she was improving and I was feeling good about it. Not anymore. She has started lying to us, stealing away to moms house, leaving without saying goodbye, convincing her mom to NOT call us to tell us where she's at because she wants to be direct quote "left alone".
If it were solely up to me, I'd call it quits and let her go back to her moms fulltime. She's so disrespectful and moody and I don't trust her with my BS because she's literally a danger to herself (she's been put in a mental ward for suicidal ideation twice!).
If that wasn't bad enough SD10 is beginning to exhibit the same behaviors that SD12 did when she was that age and well look at what we are dealing with now. I don't want to deal with any of it. I've tried and tried and tried to talk to them, to form meaningful relationships. They've literally said "we wish you were our real mom" and then they turn around and ignore me in my own home, disrespect me, don't follow basic rules, HIT their baby brother MY SON.
I care about their well being but I'm miserable when they are around. They have all the same issues as their BM and I feel like she should have to deal with the problems she created with her very hands off lazy parenting style.
I just don't like them. There I said it.
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Comments
What does your husband do
What does your husband do about the lying, the stealing, the disrespect? What does he do about them hitting your son?
The idea that you and DH can
The idea that you and DH can save these girls by having them Full-time is a fantasy that he needs to give up. You will not save them from the effects of having a mom like this. It's better to keep joint custody than to disrupt your life with kids who are acting like their toxic mother. In fact, chances are good they will end up at her house refusing to go to your home at some point in time. Don't agree to full-time without a fight.
Don't do it!! Whatever issues
Don't do it!! Whatever issues you see with SDs now, will only be worse when you have them full time and the harder you fight to keep them on track, the more they will act out.
I've learned the hard way kids who are raised in dysfunction, don't know that they are dysfunctional. To them the behavior is perfectly normal and they will not change because they have no reason to.
Cant save them
We thought the same thing of Sd15 Backstabber/Munchkin. They always regress into their Genetic Legacy. The plain truth is that some folks just should not procreate. Mental issues get passed down through generations.
I wouldnt like that either! Honestly the "cute ages" end around 11. At least for me. Because then the pre-teen hormonal changes start heppening, their brains change quickly and patterns of behavior are "set" by then, for the most part.
Just stay at joint custody. Then you can at least enjoy your bio family for a time. I have started relishing my time without B/M there - no drama, no walking on eggshells to avoid drama, no ong ganging up on me, 2 against 1, no more having to listen to her talking (which has become annoying as she has become stunted like her sister, and talks in a high pitched sing-song "Im the good one" voice.)
But thankfully you do have a bio kiddo. I am childless so its a bit harder for me (easier for Husband).
Dont feel bad. I dont like kids that lie and steal - who does?
Such a crappy situation
Such a crappy situation because when you tell DH you don't want them there full time now you are the bad guy. Stick to joint - because no matter what - they will end up hating you anyway and going back to BM. Don't even set yourself up for that.
Ping-pong
Your situation reminds me a little of what we had back in the day. The 3 SKs were here every minute they werent in school. SD wasnt always happy because she couldn't do weekend things with her school friends but BM was adamant, she wanted her free time. I understood SD's feelings but BM ruled.
Flash forward and SD and BM began to clash (more) as SD entered rebellious teen years. Runaways, truancy, thievery, etc. OSS, a peaceful child, had already moved in with no problems. After one particularly dramatic incident, SD moved in here and the whirlwind began. First, the honeymoon period, then back to her normal behavior: truancy, runaways, etc. Then the tearful calls to BM and moving back. Long story shory, this ping-ponging went on until BM remarried.
If I had it to do over, I would have said no to her moving in to begin with. But if it was necessary, I would have made it clear that this was for good. If she ever moved out, that was it, no returns. Realistically, this would have been impossible because DH wouldn't have been able to hold the line. The result was that SD has never realized that her actions have consequences. She, at 59, still believes that if she screws up, DH will rescue her.