Our plan so far

Thank you everyone for all the comforting words yesterday. It made me feel a bit better. Still feels crummy though.

Now, our biggest problem is getting Ss there. There is no way we will be telling Ss about it beforehand. The last time he found out, he put up a real fight. He got bruised, he was screaming, he got so scared he wet himself in the transport van. We don't want to make that mistake again.

Someone here suggested that my Dh tell Ss that they will be going on a roadtrip. They leave Friday evening, do stuff Saturday and my Dh drives Ss straight to the facility Sunday morning. Then Dh stays in the area till Tuesday, just in case. The plan is to do this on the 29th.

Of course we aren't very happy with this plan. It is very deceitful. And it's killing us to have to lie to Ss like this. My Dh has not been able to sleep, moreso than usual. What do you guys think of this schedule?

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Thank you Lucy.

Hugs honey.

Thanks for the hugs smdh

I honestly have no idea how

I honestly have no idea how you would go about getting him there; other than telling him, or goin with your current plan. Hopefully someday SS will understand why you guys have to do this for him.

Hugs and prayers

I think we have to lie. Like

I think we have to lie. Like you said, there probably isn't any other way Thanks for the hugs and prayers.

Thank you for sharing that

Thank you for sharing that Miss_Bits. Ss told my Dh recently that if we ever send him away again, he will kill himself (he said we would bring his body back). He also threatened to make up lies about my Dh. But we feel like this has to be done. Until now, Ss has controlled himself in public. But I am afraid he will likely act out if we tied telling him in public.

I really hope like you, he will accept the help they will give him. The next few months are going to be hell. I am seriously considering taking a break from my Dh. I want to save our marriage.

We wish he would not do it.

We wish he would not do it. But he has made a serious attempt before. If my Dh had been 20 mins later in finding him, he would have died. And he never makes empty threats. He was deadly serious when he told my Dh.

The main reason we picked he facility was that it had excellent monitoring. The staff checks on the kids every 20-30 mins. There are cameras everywhere. We will be able to see him every weekend. My Dh knows he should not cry. They drilled it into us. I won't be there at the drop off luckily.

We have told the facility of his threats. They seem to be on top of it. He will be there for 4 months first. Then, we will making it 8 months if he is doing well. I hope it helps him like it helped you.

Aww, man. I reallllly don't

Aww, man. I reallllly don't like the idea of lying to him, but I don't know what else would work.

Is there a way you can hook him up with a mentor? Perhaps a survivor of sex abuse? I know it's tough, but sometimes a non-relative is able to relate better, and if it's someone with similar experiences...

Praying.

We live in an area where we

We live in an area where we don't have much resources for sexual abuse victims. And I think Ss would be very open to the idea. Perhaps if he met a female mentor, but even then..

Wow, do NOT lie to this kid.

Wow, do NOT lie to this kid. That is wrong on so many levels. Imagine that your husband told you he was going on a trip and then later said "see ya, I'm not coming back"? That is wrong. Do not lie. Put up with the screaming, talk calmly, get a professional if you have to...but do not lie. That is absolutely horrendous, especially to a child.

What else can wr do? It is

What else can wr do? It is not just screaming. He will flail around, grab onto furniture in the house. The last time we sent him to a therapeutic school, the school sent two men to help with the transport. After my Dh managed to pull him free from furniture, the two men grabbed Ss and put him in the back of a van. We followed the van in our car. By the time we got there, Ss was so scared he wet himself. We don't want to do that again. And this time he may hurt himself if he knows we are sending him to the facility. We have no idea what we can do. We know its terrible thing to do. But what other options do we have?

Seriously? Don't agree with

Seriously? Don't agree with you. You don't tell a suicidal teenager, who survived years of sex abuse, who is threatening to kill himself if you bring up the treatment center he desperately needs, that he is going there in advance. You do what you have to do to get him to the center safely, so he can get the long term help he needs.

Praying, Please please please, just get SS there safely; you guys have so much more to deal with than HOW he gets there.

Thank you Bookish.

Praying. You are straight in

Praying. You are straight in saying its a road trip. You are not implying specific outcomes. Go with your plan. It will be messy like every other moment of this, but you will be delivering him to his salvation - and yours. Go. It's not lying. You all can do this, one more big step and then the true healing can begin. Somewhere in him SS knows it too. Let the bigger energy prevail here. You have done an excellent job in finding the right place for him.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to have family support as I found my way. THis is the best support. You can do this!

Hi Arjuna, I really hope you

Hi Arjuna, I really hope you are right. Its going to be rough for us as well at first. I can only imagine the phone calls the first few weeks. Last time, it was miserable. WE felt so guilty.

No matter how I try to swing it, it still sounds deceitful. But our hands are tied. We can't do it any other way and it sucks

Yes, Praying, it all sucks.

Yes, Praying, it all sucks. But in the long run, you and DH are doing the most possible to offer help to SS - now it will be up to him to take it. What would suck worse? Letting him slowly kill himself in his room, in your house. On your watch.

So, fake it best you can for a few more weeks, then do the big work that needs to be done.

Support and STRENGTH to you and DH, praying. You both can do this.

Praying, when I was looking

Praying, when I was looking into sending SD15 to a therapeutic boarding school, I found that there are companies that handle the transportation. Several of the schools I talked to only would allow teens to arrive by transport company. Parents weren't allowed to accompany their children. They said that it helped in the transition.

The transportation companies are experts handling these situations and teens are much less willing to cause trouble if there are strangers there. What they will do is arrive in the middle of the night, the parents are asked to leave and the transportation takes the teen. No contact between the teen and parents is allowed. It makes it far, far easier for the parents since they don't need to deal with it.

Here are several links:
http://www.youthtransport.us/
http://www.safeandsoundtransportation.com/

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