How to pull his head out of the sand???
Ok, the situation is....SD12 will not speak to me, look at me, be in the same room as me, use any gift she thinks I had a hand in picking out, etc. In short she pretends I'm not alive and makes her hatred of me very clear. I KNOW this is a problem for me more so in regards to DH's lack of response to it, not her actual behavior. I KNOW she is a child, I KNOW she will push as far as allowed. My own children, as all children do, sometimes are lacking in manners, have a burst of disrespectfulness, forget their place. So I see her behaviors as age appropriate misbehavior. However, I do as any good parent does and call them out on it immediately. I do not allow my kids to get away with it. DH however doesn't seem to notice when SD is displaying these passive behaviors toward me or chooses to ignore it. If she is outright rude he will say something to her but she is very underhanded and passive in her hate toward me often giving just enough human response to appease DH.
I have disengaged as far as I feel comfortable doing while still respecting my place in our family and without causing conflict in my marriage. This has given her even more room to further develop her distance/ignoring of me. The situation wears on me daily. I feel like a stranger in my own home when she is there. I am stressed and it is affecting my relationship with DH.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get DH to see some of these things without nagging about it constantly and without invoking all his defenses which seems to happen whenever SD's name crosses my lips.
I have suggested to him that she obviously has some issues and that maybe he should get her and/or all of us counseling. He looked into it, made an appointment and BM will not consent.
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Does BM need to consent?
Does BM need to consent? MOst likley she does not. Most likely she needs to be informed, and allowed to participate if she should so choose.
Schedule the appt for when you have her in your custody. Inform BM that it is occuring, offer to let her take part. SHe can choose for her...but she does not get veto power.
Apparently in our state we
Apparently in our state we need her consent. The counseling group wouldn't even make an appointment for her without BM's ok. But she backed out and that was the end of it.
They have joint legal, she is primary custodial parent. I'm not sure it's the law or just a policy of the therapist to avoid conflict later.
In any case, SD doesn't want to to, BM won't make her and it would lead to SD cutting off all visitation if DH forced it. That's our life, what SD wants SD gets.
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I just don't know how to
I just don't know how to bring the behavior to his attention in a non-confrontational way.
I may have missed it, but how
I may have missed it, but how often is SD in your home?
EOW - Fri - monday and one
EOW - Fri - monday and one evening overnight each week
Well, I know you're not going
Well, I know you're not going to like this, but since you said your DH will probably not want to listen to you being confrontational with you and he's not ready to take his head out the sand with regard to her (TRUST ME- I've been there!) you have few options at this point.
I know, it sucks.
Here's what I needed to do when I was EXACTLY in your place with regard to my middle SD when DH was not ready to cooperate. Or listen to the suggestions of the counselor. Or the "Parenting Coach"- yes, you read that correctly- we went to a parenting coach. And he didn't listen to her suggestions, either.
So I TOTALLY disengaged. TOTALLY. 100%. And SD was with us 50% of the time. Oh yes, it was difficult at first- EXTREMELY difficult, I will not lie to you. Escpecially because we have four other children in the home. So how did it play out??
I cooked dinner for her- but only because I made it for the other four. And THAT was it. Nothing else. And we went out to dinners, outings, and even on "family" vacations together! I paid attention to the children who gave me and my DH respect. DH did everything else for middle SD- rides, homework, shopping, attention, etc.
Was I ever UNKIND to her? No. I would say 'hello' and 'goodbye,' but that was it. Everything else was handled by her dad. And when dad worked late nights (which was a lot of the time) well, she was SOL! The other kids were covered.
And TRUST me- she FELT it. Because I was always the one who made things just a little bit...nicer for the kids. And because she refused to "play ball" and because DH didn't step up in time and take his head out of his butt in time, it was too late to change things- she was a "lost cause" by the time he WAS ready to change, step up, and be an effective parent, the way I BEGGED him to be from the beginning.
She has since moved out and has zero contact with her dad. She hates me (big surprise, right)? But that's only because I refused to cater to her every whim the way everyone else in her life did from the beginning. I was the first one she ever encountered who told her "No"- and she had no idea how to handle that concept!
DH has deep regret for the way things worked out and knows he screwed up big time. Of course I will never tell him, "I told you so." Perhaps you could print this out and show it to your DH as a cautionary tale. You have to work on these things early- by the time the kids are teenagers, it's too late. Middle SD WAS only 12 when these problems started...
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comments. I know you are right. I think my SD hates me for the reason you stated.
>>She hates me (big surprise, right)? But that's only because I refused to cater to her every whim the way everyone else in her life did from the beginning. I was the first one she ever encountered who told her "No"- and she had no idea how to handle that concept!>>
I've considered calling a meeting with DH, BM and SD and laying it out for them. I don't like being treated this way especially so in my own home. All I ask for is common courtesy and respect. If they all expect me to continue being a part of their life then they have to make some choices. either work on a better relationship and that includes serious work with counseling. or visitation will have to be outside my home.
Exactly. You know, I never
Exactly. You know, I never thought I was asking for a lot. I raised two boys myself (one with special needs), and even HE was quite capable of following the rules and treating people with common courtesy and respect.
But not this kid. Entitled to the 'nth' degree. Expected EVERYTHING and then some! I had never seen anything like it before in my life. Oh, most people described her as "precocious"-
that's code for "spoiled, entitled brat"!
Anyway, in the very beginning, she was sweet as pie to me- that was until, as soon as I was 'onto' her- then things took an UGLY turn! The jig was up and she knew that I KNEW her true colors. From there, things went downhill quickly...
And because DH made constant excuses for his "Golden Child," we were very close to a divorce.
I'm not quite sure what turned it around for him, but if things didn't change with regard to his parenting approach to her, we surely would be divorced right now, all courtesy of her.
Good luck if you decide to go forward with this meeting. I expect a lot of FIREWORKS.
YOu've just described my SD
YOu've just described my SD and our situation perfectly. I think the other thing that makes her hate me is that I treat her like a child, because she is a child. She is used to being treated like an adult, privy to all conversation, thinks she has ownership of all household possesions, has a voice in all decisions, expects to know all the finances.
I have actually made her cry because I answered yes when a waitress asked if we needed a childrens menu once when she was out to dinner with DH and I.
Almost in tears another time when she (10) and DD(9) where given kids cups with lids and DS(11) was given an adult cup. Apparently the restrauant does it based on ages, they asked how old and acted accordingly.
The most frustrating part is that I have two children of my own. One a year older and one a year younger so I know, or at least I thought I knew, what was appropriate for that age group. But my kids routinely shine the light on her lacking social and behavior skills.
Wow! This was SD at age 12 as
Wow! This was SD at age 12 as well!!!
"She is used to being treated like an adult, privy to all conversation, thinks she has ownership of all household possesions, has a voice in all decisions, expects to know all the finances."
Boy oh boy, I do NOT envy you at all. This is one slippery slope, and if SD18 is any indication of where your SD12 will end up, please have that talk with your DH NOW!!!
Wow. Wow. Wow. (Shaking head).
I recently emailed him
I recently emailed him several articles/blogs I found that detailed similar situations at different stages/ages of the steps. I asked him to read them and discuss it with me because I felt it was spot on for us now and I didn't want us to wake up in 10 years and be dealing with SD at a whole new level keeping him/us, becasue of her hatred of me, away from her wedding, his grandchildren, not wanting me in her home. I can easily see it going that way.
He's had them a week and hasn't even read them even when I've asked again. It's typical, he really want to ignore it all and hope it goes away. Unfortunately, all that's going to go away is me.
Wow AstepAbove and
Wow AstepAbove and 4Teens,
Both your situations are/have been exactly like what I am dealing with. DH and I have come a long way but he still keeps his head buried in sand like an ostrich checking out antfarms. Oh the guilt, guilt, guilt! I need a vacation.
I wish I had better advice for you AstepAbove. Jut don't back down cause you know you're right. Maybe he'll see the light sooner then later. If not, it's like my sister told me yesterday: You just have to let it go. It's his issue to deal with his kids how he sees fit even if everyone else knows it's wrong!
Unfortunately, he's in deep
Unfortunately, he's in deep denial, and until he's ready to face reality, there's nothing you can do for him. You can give him all the facts, you can BEG him, you can cry til you're all cried out, but until HE'S ready to walk in reality- nothing going to change him. It's sad and tragic, but true.
My DH was there. I had him in couples therapy and with the Parenting Coach. Both of them looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world. Now my DH is a SMART man- genuis level smart. But "booksmart". But when it comes to basic common sense and dealing with his "princess"- he was a complete and total idiot. And this Parenting Coach cost a FORTUNE! We might as well thrown the money down the toilet, because he looked at this woman with this blank stare on his face like she was talking in a foreign language.
I threatened divorce MANY times. Threw my rings at him more times than I could count. And FINALLY, something "clicked" in his head- I'm not sure what- but he finally "got it." And from that point on, our lives have never been better. And yes, he even "got it" after it was too late to change SD, but he still stuck to his guns and did the right thing.
Unfortunately, most men don't ever "get it." They continue to give in to their "princesses" forever. They place them FOREVER in front of their wives. Trust me, I was #2 for many years behind SD. He would drop me like a hot potato if she called or texted or beckoned. (And she did it A LOT!) I always felt like he was married to HER for a long time.
But no more. He has finally realized I am his wife- his #1, and SD is his CHILD- the way it is supposed to be.
I think your DH may be placing HIS daughter in the "#1 position"- and his refusal to deal with the issue is just another indicator of his denial. I hope something changes for him- for your sake.
Have YOU considered therapy for yourself? Perhaps a therapist would have some creative strategies for you to help you cope with this.
though, my SD9 (almost 10)
though, my SD9 (almost 10) would probably be highly insulted if she got a cup with a lid...she has long since outgrown needing one...and having someone suggest she is still a little kid ould be offensive to that age category.
It was only a paper soda cup
It was only a paper soda cup with lid and straw like you'd get at any fastfood place, they just gave adults an open cup. It really was nothing to be offended by.