On the nature of love
I joined this group recently to get a better grip on the life of a step, and I've read a lot about steps who feel they are failing because they cannot "love" a skid who is disrespectful, unruly, obnoxious, or just generally "unlovable." I read once, long ago, a story where a wise creature described love as just seeing people for who they are, and then acting in a manner that supports the benefit of everyone. Love doesn't rely on a feeling, but the truth of love lives in our actions.
I believe that those steps who find they can't feel love for their skid(s), but still find ways to act in the manner that best supports the benefit of that/those skid(s) and their extended family, ARE loving those skids. In setting boundaries that cause explosions, disengaging so we don't feel the need to pound the little darling into dust, grumbling when we take them to activities that their parent should be responsible for, or any of the million tiny choices we make every day that takes the skid's needs into consideration, we are loving those "unlovable" skids. Love doesn't live in feelings, it lives in what we choose to do.
So, to all you steps who are bashing yourselves for not being able to feel "love" for your skids, remember that by choosing to act in their best interests you ARE loving them. And that is what makes you fabulous!
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Comments
I love this post. Thank you!
I love this post. Thank you!
The way I figure it, the
The way I figure it, the only thing we have direct control over is our actions. If I act from the desire of promoting love, then I am being loving. What I feel isn't nearly as relevant as what I do.
this is a great post Thanks
this is a great post
Thanks !!
This is a wonderful post -
This is a wonderful post - and you are RIGHT. We've all had sooo many challenges and obstacles. You know what I say? If we didn't really care why would we vent? Why would we cook for and clean up after our stepkids? our future stepkids? even if they aren't our future stepkids and they are our boyfriends or girlfriends children? Why would we take the time to help discipline them? Try to teach them manners? bandage up their boo boo's? Read to them at night and spend hours braiding their hair so it's "wavy like a mermaids" in the morning after we take them out? This makes me feel really good...thank you for this ; ) Even if we don't "feel love" we sure are showing it, right? ahhh relief...
Thank you for your very
Thank you for your very timely post....After a conversation with DH yesterday I have been having those exact same thoughts or wondering if that is true. Do those actions equate love? Will SD ever see that?
DH was talking to me about attending kids events (school, band, chorus, sports, the list goes on and on). We try to both attend whenever we are able (and know about it) for both my children and SD. He was expressing to me that his own step mother never did and it would have meant a lot to him. He felt rejected by her. (whole other story there) So I started wondering if from a child's pov how SD perceived it. I am always there with her dad supporting her. I always offer at least a 'good job', 'great performance', 'good luck'. We dont have a comfortable relationship so it's simple and sincere and left at that. In return I get a cool, or sometimes cold look and generally ignored as if I'm not there. And I never comment on it or make an issue of it. It's about supporting her not how I feel. But I often feel she would rather me not be there.
In other regards I do as much as possible to treat her exactly as I do my own children. I cook for them, bake for them, run them to activities, shop for them, care about their manners, grades. Always careful to not overstep, I am closer to disengagement these days. Much of what I do seems to not be recognized. SD still seems to hate me. I continue on, not so much for her but out of respect for her role in our family and for my own relationship with DH. He needs/wants me to be there with him, for her and do for her.
As an adult I can see that these actions are loving if not feeling like 'Love' but I'm left wondering if the child can or will ever look back and see that.
Unfortunately, what the
Unfortunately, what the child can see is outside of our control. We can only control our actions, so I guess the best we can do is act with love and know we've done the best we can. If the child can accept it, that is wonderful. If the child is too PASd out, or otherwise just unable to accept our love, then that is something we just have to accept as being outside our control.
Doesn't stop it from sucking, tho.
I know you are right, hense
I know you are right, hense my site name, I try to take the high road and make my actions above the level of drama that SD and BM like to create. I try to give them nothing to hold against me.
Wow, you just described my
Wow, you just described my life. Everything you wrote!!
My sincerest sympathies to
My sincerest sympathies to you....because it's a lonely life. To always feel like you have been rejected and by a child no less.
And you know the irony is, I
And you know the irony is, I really don't care. Just go away. You don't want me in your life, I was fine before you ever came into mine, and yet, by our mutual love of one man, we must live together and forge a peaceful existence. It's exhausing!